"Finally," she said when I arrived, "you're late."
It was never the right time, so he spent his whole life waiting.
Person 2: “No I’m gonna follow sleep.”
I answered, because she (the dog) looks up to you.
I guess I'm suffering from 'stalk home' syndrome.
I think I’m being storked.
Honestly, I couldn’t see the point.
Ex-POO-se me! 🤦
Actually she just sits around, smokes weed all day and never calls me, but a Dad can dream.
Hi unforgiving, I'm dad"
"Yes you are"
I have some big shoes to fill.
I interrupted and asked if he remembered what type of cat.
[Yes, I used a dad joke on my dad. He taught me well.]
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself
Apparently it refers to the baby.
He approached me after I had parked in my driveway and asked if I knew why he was writing me a ticket.
I told him I had no idea what I had done wrong.
He said that he followed me for my entire commute and not once did I get in an accident. He fined me for wreck-less driving.
I'm pretty sure I have the CORVID.
“Dad says if you kick it, we’ll be rich!!”
I responded with “No, not Eni.”
My only comment was WHO do they think they are telling you what to do?
...and she ran 100m in 10 seconds
My wife and I had just finished watching the Chipmunks movie with our 4-year-old son. This conversation soon followed:
Son: Is Feeadore real? Wife: No, he's not real, sweetheart. Son: Are there real chickmunks? Wife: Yes, there are. Son: Have you ever seen chickmunks? Wife: I sure have. Me: They're usually called nuns, though.
It goes up to the librarian and says "bok." The shocked librarian looks at the chicken and says, "Excuse me, what?" and the chicken repeats, "bok."
The librarian thinks a moment before asking, "You want a book?" The chicken nods and says, "bok," so the librarian goes and gives the chicken a book, and it walks out.
A few minutes later the chicken struts back in and says "bok bok." The librarian, still shocked, asks if it wants two books, to which the chicken replies, "bok bok." So the librarian gets two more books and gives them to the chicken.
A few more minutes pass and the chicken walks back up to the front desk, saying "bok bok bok." The librarian nods and fetches three more books, but this time decides to follow the chicken outside.
Tailing the chicken, she watches as it walks out to the parking lot, where a frog is sitting by a pile of books. When the chicken lays the new delivery before it, the frog takes one look and says, "reddit, reddit!"
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
When we were Christmas shopping for our kids, we went to target. After walking around for a while I got bored and eventually found a bouncy ball. It was a small inflatable basketball about tennis ball sized and being inflated instead of solid rubber, it made a louder noise when it hit the ground.
We were walking around and I was bouncing the ball. My wife got visibly irritated at the constant noise following her around and told me to please put it down. I bounced it again and said "I'm trying, but every time I do, it comes back up into my hand"
Que the groan.
If you want it, you should have put a ring on it.
Johnny and susie are working in a factory, and Susie says “this is a nice day I don’t wanna work anymore” and little Johnny says “well maybe see if he will give you the rest of the day off” and then the boss comes in and Susie is hanging upside down on the chandelier saying “I’m a light bulb” and the boss says “maybe you should talk the rest of the day off. So Susie goes out the door and Johnny follows her and the boss asks “where do you think you’re going?” And Johnny replies “you expect me to work in the fucking dark?”
I told her that I was more like a circle, squares are too edgy for me.
I took it with a grain of salt
I said "My tweets were funny!"
She replied, "Yeah, I heard it snore a couple of times."
Me neither, I couldn't follow it.
What follows is a transcription of our conversation
Me: I hope he helps his patients find Accord in their lives
Her: Well therapy is only one Element to success
Me: He's just doing his Civic duty
Her: He gives them Clarity and Insight
Me: On their Odyssey through life
He says "what do you call it when an environmentalist sets a forest on fire?"
She says "I don't know."
He says "Treeson." The girl laughs
He follows saying "Yknow, if you'd like more of these jokes, I got them from a cool source if you're interested."
The girl says "Yes, I'm interested."
The boy then replies "Good to know SOMEONE is interested in me."
Took a really big dab (weed) and was coughing my brains out, which caused the following conversation between me and my wife:
Wife: "Are you going to make it?"
Me: "Nope.. Cough Hack ..You're gonna... cough ..be a... Hack hack ..widow!"
Wife: "Nooo, you can't die!"
Me: Hack "And I don't even.. cough ..have.. hack ...life insurance!" cough hack cough
Wife: "Wife Insurance?? What is that - If I break can you swap me out for a new one?? Do you mean a pre-nup??"
My body couldn't figure out what the fuck to do. Cough, Laugh, it even got confused and farted. Fucking hilarious.
Thanks to the following individuals for helping persuade me to become vegan:
Ron Acerous, Sal Amander, Herb Avore, Chic Adee, Al Bacore, Paul R Baer, Al Batros, Wally Bee, Lady Bugg, Jay Byrd, Ann Chovie, Anna Condra, Barry Cuda, Terry Dactyl, Ray N Deer, Flo N Der , Erma Dillo, Ann Enome, Terry Err, Liz Erd, Ann Fibian, Dale Finn, Redd Fox, Buddy Fly, Ken Garoo, Allie Gator, Billy Goat, Pan Guin, Ann Gus, Hal Ibut, Bob Katz, Tom Katz, Anne Kelosaurous, Don Key, Ann T. Lope, Moe Lusk, C. Lyon, Chip Monk, Flo Mingo, Sal Mon, Anna Mull, Barr Nicole, Kay Nine, Kyle Otee, Al Paca, Lia Pard, Millie Pede, Ellie Phant, Arthur Podd, Jack Rabbit, Gerry Raffe, Ty Ranaceourous, Mack Rell, Wally Rus, Jack Russel, Fez Sant, Dina Sauer, Drew Sophila, Chris Station, Hal Steen, Clyde Sudale, Ann Teeter, Pan Ther, Earl Thurfworm, Tara Ann Tula, Bea Tule, Ray Venn, Bea Ver, and Beau Vine.
I couldn't have done it without your support !!!
I can't seem to get my diet right - I must be a gluten for punishment.
Apologies for not following the usual formatting. My father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer a few months ago. A few weeks ago, we learned it had spread to his brain. Later that day, he told me:
“Well, everyone came by after they heard about the lung cancer and told me how strong and great I am, and that I’d beat lung cancer...”
pauses for effect
“...I guess I let it go to my head.”
Edit: thank you all for the kind words (and the silver/gold/platinum...I’ll be making matching gifts to St. Jude’s or a similar organization).
Yes he was a great man. At age 20 he was given 3 months to live due to another ‘incurable’ disease. He stuck around for another 45+ years. I could go on and on...
I feel with my hands.
That was my dad’s go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich Me: sure Dad: (does magic hands) poof you’re a sandwich
It’s almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.
Me: I poured some concrete once.
Son: Was that really hard?
Me: It is now.
(This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
