Five More Minutes Puns

A man buys a parrot, thinking it’ll be a good companion. Upon getting the parrot home it starts talking, using really fowl (sorry, not sorry) language.

The man attempts to explain that he doesn’t tolerate that kind of talk in his home, but the parrot won’t cease its cursing. Angry and frustrated, the man punishes the parrot by putting it in the freezer for a full minute.

Upon retrieving the parrot from the freezer it’s incredibly upset and begins hurling even viler insults at the man. So he puts the parrot back in the freezer for 3 full minutes.

This time upon retrieving the bird it seems to understand the situation and through chattering beak promises not to speak that way again.

A few days later however the parrot again begins using filthy language and the man, being fed up, returns the parrot to the freezer for a full five minutes.

This time when taking the parrot out it is visibly shaken, has frost on its feathers and is shivering something fierce.

The man asks ‘have we learned our lesson?’ To which the bird replies ‘yes sir, no more cursing from me. But I have one question.’

Man asks ‘what’s that?’

Parrot replies ‘what the fuck did that turkey say to you?’

"Buk", says the chicken. So the librarian gives him a book. The chicken leaves with the book and returns five minutes later. "Buk," he says. So the librarian gives him another book.

This goes on about eight more times, until finally the librarian leaves the library and goes outside on break in back where there's a pond. The chicken is standing on the edge of the pond tossing the books to a frog on a lily pad. The chicken says "Buk, Buk" and the frog says "reddit, reddit"

Just five more minutes.

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'. 'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.

One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.

Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.

I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.

I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.

I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there.

After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had.

I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed.

So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back.

I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge.

As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin! I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom.

The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliffside and dug in my pocket once more.

I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth. It stopped the coffin.

This joke has been told to me

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.

In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.

An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”

Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.

I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to ‘back dat ass up’.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.

Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.

I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

A: (getting out of the tub) "I'm cold!"

I proceed to call him "Cold" as a proper name for the next five minutes while he gets dried off and I clip his fingernails. ("Give me your hand, Cold." "What's so funny, Cold?")

Me: "Okay, Cold, go get on your pajamas."

A: (laughing) "STOP CALLING ME 'COLD.'"

Me: "You know... if you get your pajamas on... and warm up..."

A: "Then I won't be 'Cold' any more."

Me: "Yep."

(Pajamas on)

Me: "A! Where have you been?? I haven't seen you for a while. I thought 'Cold' was going to be here all night!"

Just five more minutes.