First child born in a couple of weeks so I thought to give it the good ol try. Sometimes when I’m down I go to the mall and use the elevator.

So it can lift me up and make my day better.

I tried to OC.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnpowers99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted to make a post with a joke about musical notes. I first attempted to use Do or Mi, but in the end I went with

a Re post.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been wanting to go ice skating for a while. My friends bought me a pair of skates recently, but they broke on the first use!

If you ask me, they’re cheapskates.

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunkyFaz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
We were talking about reddit and how she doesn't use it. (First time posting here)
πŸ‘︎ 166
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cstapo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
The NBA played it's first game in France yesterday. I decided to use that opportunity to make a ton of French puns. roto.life/nba-paris-game-…
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bathrobeDFS
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know Moses was the first person to use the internet?

He got information from the cloud and posted it to his tablet.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HydroSpecs
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Moses was the first one to use control-c as a shortcut
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elliot91
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2015
🚨︎ report
I finally got to use this dad joke on my wife for the first time ever.

She hit her funny bone at a restaurant. I told her β€œThat’s humerus.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/asianprivelege
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were arguing as to who gets to use the microwave first.

Then things started to get heated.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
When I first started learning how to drive, I used to be afraid of speed bumps.

But slowly, I got over it.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sodrohu
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I created the world’s first bulletproof vest using pages from recycled books

I call it Plot Armor β„’

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/serialcompliment
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I spelled out the first part of a symphony using only AEIOU

I call it the vowel movement.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JonnySwo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I remember the first time I used a dictionary...

It was a defining moment in my life.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be blind but I cured it. My wife was the first person I saw

It was love at first sight.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M0202
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The first time I used an elevator, it was kinda uplifting

Then it let me down

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
When we were kids, we used books of epic poems as bases. I once slid head first into "The Odyssey"...

I hit a Homer.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I was brewing my first batch of beer with a friend and he told me to add the seed cones that are used primarily as a bittering, flavoring, and stability agents.

I hopped to it!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to own 3 ski lodges, one in the Alps, one in Aspen and one in France. When I got divorced the first 2 times, my exes each got a lodge as part of the settlement. The third marriage, I decided I needed a prenuptial agreement to cover my assets. It was all I could do!

It's my last resort!

Edit: changed "it was" to "it's"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Remotely Yours

So we had this issue yesterday where secure shell commands were failing from our newly enabled backup system to a downstream application.

I logged in manually using the correct credentials to confirm the keys were fine, but I noticed it was the first time in known hosts, so i typed β€œyes” to put the entry in and figured that would fix it.

When the problem came back today, I was surprised at first, but then it hit me...

Same ssh -t different server...

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KCandIO
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to skip the first episode of every series because I have no interest in aerospace engineering
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to wait to poop until my girlfriend used the bathroom first.

I'm just glad she spoke now, instead of forever holding her pees.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSpanishSteed
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I just used the iPhone X for the first time and it is..

Top Notch

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CleverD3vil
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Itsy Bitsy Spider β€” Dad version

Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:

"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!

achoo splat bleah"

Substitute $name for Mia.

Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.

I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeoLittlebook
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A chef on a ship invented the first ever floatation device used in case the ships ever sank. Oddly enough the floatation device was a barrel of root beer.

You see, he knew that rootbeer floats.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gnarwalbacon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2018
🚨︎ report
My father was in the army...

And I remember he used to be stationed in exotic places all over the world. Once he came back home with a very exotic looking bird. I asked him what kind of a bird it was and he told me it’s a rare almost extinct species called a Foux (pronounced Foo). This foux was the apple of his eye and he would take care of the bird as if it was his own child. Sometime during this period the Foux began developing a real bad case of constipation and my father was really worried about it. He tried all kinds of medicines to make the Foux pass it’s bowels, but nothing was working. One day, during this period, I woke up to a huge argument taking place between my parents. My mom was accusing him of cheating on her during one of his tours, she had found some pictures of him and another woman and he was denying it vehemently. I realized then that my father had been quite the philanderer and this wasn’t the first time he had been caught. My mom was trying to get him to just admit to his indiscretion.

β€œWhy don’t you just admit it Harry”, she said;

but he stuck to his denial,

β€œYou think I could ever do something like this Sarah”, he said.

Right then amidst all this ruckus, the Foux began to take a dump, in the middle of the living room.

My mom looked at the bird, then looked back at my dad and with a sense of resignation she just said β€œWell if the Foux shits...”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RangaRedRascal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the woman who won first place in a sewing contest without using any thread?

Her performance was seamless.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mighty_alicorn
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
🚨︎ report
A group of vampires overthrew a farm using democratically-elected leaders. Their first course of action was to suck all the chickens dry.

It was a bloodless coop.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Bill Clinton's wife used to be confused with another woman with the same first name.

It was Hillary S.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mutant_Llama1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife and I started arguing as to who gets to use the microwave first.

Then things started to heat up.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2018
🚨︎ report
The first time i used an elevator it was an uplifting experience

But the second time it let me down

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/potatoman-177
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down

πŸ‘︎ 116
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

πŸ‘︎ 269
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ArpitJain96
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The first time I used an elevator..

Was a really uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

πŸ‘︎ 122
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lunarsee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
🚨︎ report
The first time I used an elevator...

It was an uplifting experience, the next time it was a big let down

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/coffeemist90881
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience

The second time let me down

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The first time I ever used an elevator was a real uplifting experience.

The second time was a big let down!!!

πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PinkDG
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience

The second time let me down.

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ottohelanen
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
🚨︎ report
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience...

The second time let me down πŸ™

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hungryghost02
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/udrys
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KarmelMalone
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I just used my new cloning machine for the first time...

I'm beside myself at the results.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Drondol
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I just used my new cloning machine for the first time...

I'm beside myself at the results.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Drondol
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
🚨︎ report

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