She said apple-lutely
My 7 year old son tries to tell puns, but he's really bad at it. After going to the zoo, he noticed that his right ear was itchy. Upon inspection, we noticed that the skin around his ear was flaking. We discussed if it was a sun burn, but he had been wearing a bucket hat all day. Without missing a beat he said:
I guess it has to be an "ear"itation. He even used air quotes. Proud moment for Father's Day!
Hope you had a great Father's Day as well!
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Next, I got one on my thoracic that said "4"
Then, I got one on my lumbar that said "3"
After that, I got one on my Sacrum that said 2"
And now, I'm getting one on my Coccyx that says "1"
It's the spinal countdown.
Wait. Sorry, wrong sub.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Now he’s a great grandfather
Because they're Fungi's
... they log in
and the second turns to the first and says “Jeramy, what’s wrong with you?”
"Okay, I'll give it a shot"
I'm sorry
I will find you. You have my Word.
At the last ultrasound appointment they asked me if i had any questions
"What's your return policy?"
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
I’m sure someone else invented it but I couldn’t be prouder.
But then I saw her face.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.
The second one.
and his last name is Oscopy
'Eye-do'
This is my first post pls don't kill me lol.
The people in the comment section is why I love this subreddit!!
Cred once again my sis wants credit lol
My Pfizer killing me now
>It was a Mashacre
I heard parents named their children lance a lot.
First post please don't kill me
Edit: i went to sleep and now my inbox is dead, thank you kind strangers for the awards!
then skydiving isn’t for you.
The first guys drank H2O and the second guy drank H2O too.
Son: Hey day, you wanna go for a run?
Me: Nah, my Keen hurts.
Son: You mean your knee?
Me: Yeah, my Knee got dislocated.
But you have to prove your jokes can land.
Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. Don't love me anymore?'
'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'
They are seeing eachother for the first time
But that was un-Y's.
I looked at it and thought, ‘This isn’t for me.”
He couldn't find Davey Jone's locker
but on the hole, it felt good.
The second turbine said:"I'm a giant metal fan"
I am a construction manager, and a couple years ago my boss asked me to go meet a new subcontractor who we had never worked with before. When he arrived to the site he had a younger guy with him. He walks over and says "Hi, my name is Ron Anderson, and this is my son, Ron". I couldn't stop myself. I looked this stranger dead in the eye and said "Well, you know, two Ron's don't make a right!".
Neither he nor his son were amused. But they still did the work. Honestly, though, how many times in your life are you actually going to get the chance to say that. Carpe diem.
Reads the noosepaper.
"hm.. something seems fishy in here.."
It went off without a hitch.
You fill out a pupplication
It was a grand father gesture.
But I trussed it.
