I can't tell you how proud that makes me.
2021
Tooth:Hurty
My body was really sore as well!
Call it the Stan Lee Cup.
I said it’s always present time
I told the arresting officer "I could explain everything."
.. I was fried for no raisin.
I'm so tired of the ups and downs. I'm just ready to pop.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
The bitter, better-batter bought her butter!
The Owl Jizz Era News.
Finnish: The Book
He said Merry Isthmus!
It's called Sam-are-i
Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?
Get some taller ones!
These zoo meetings are really taking off.
That was the punchline
Atlas, I found it.
It was a late parrot.
I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!
(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)
A story of people coming out of the closet is perfect for Pride Month.
She did not hold Up well.
Seeing an opportunity to break the tension, I called from the living room, "I guess you BUTTER not do that again!"
Mom shouted back that my joke was terrible, but she was laughing too much to stay irritated.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
A Penny shaved is a Penny urned.
Now what’s left is Yellow Pages
"When I was born"
The farmer's wife said "300 times, isn't that wonderful, dear? Maybe you should watch him. Maybe he'll show you how..." The farmer replied "Yeah, he's a hell of a bull, but it wasn't all with the same cow."
I guess I only have my shelve to blame!
It’s textbook Economics.
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I bought 2
The No-Bell Prize 🕺🏼
>!I've decided the title is going to be 'Thymeless Classics'!<.
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
"Guys, that's our last resort."
Keep in mind, my son is 4 years old, so everything is an original to him.
I had to work late into the evening yesterday, and he was just going to bed when I got home. I had left home for the office nearly 14 hours prior, had a long day, lots of meetings, traffic, etc.
When I walked through the door, I was exhausted, run down, and starving. My wife hugged me and asked how my day was, and I replied, "Done. It was a good day, but has got me exhausted. I just want to grab a bite and go to bed. I'm hungry."
From my son's bedroom, I hear him shout, "Hi Hungry! Nice to meet you!"
Not only did it make me laugh, but I completely forgot about how hungry and tired I was. I went to his bedroom, and we laughed together about it. It was exactly what I needed.
Edit: Thanks for all the awards, kind strangers! I'll let my son know y'all enjoyed his joke too!
Carter Burr
I’ve never been so proud of him. My wife’s sigh and eye roll made it that much better.
Plane ones.
But the kids still get in.
The woman simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
