I recently hired a guy to fill some stuff in for me

Filler filler filler filler filler filler

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imkindaspiffy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
As a globe restorer, I never turn down projects where I have to fill in missing countries or islands. But missing equators?

That’s when I draw the line.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CorbanzoBean69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Mom complained when I asked for a few dollars in quarters to fill up my car’s tires.

Dad looked at me, shrugged and said β€œInflation.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jjlet
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I had to fill in several post holes yesterday.

I didn’t want them to make offense.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
The decision for a liquid to fill the shape of whatever container they are in is...

InVOLUMEtary

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Minzato
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you dig a hole in the ground and fill it with denim?

A jean pool

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Payasin70
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Whenever my dad goes to get gas he says β€œregular please” and when the gas station attendant (we live in Oregon) asks β€œfill?” my dad replies

β€œNo, Fred, nice to meet you”

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrDreidel82
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report
As the title suggests, this is how to successfully catch an elephant: First, you need to dig a hole in the ground that is capable of holding an elephant. Fill the hole with ashes. Line the hole with peas.

And when your elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
🚨︎ report
I made this thinking It'd get me farther in life... but then I realized I had nothing to fill it with
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jduncan017
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2016
🚨︎ report
my friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'.

I know he means well.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do a Unicorn and an ocean filled with orange soda have in common?

They are both a Fanta Sea

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heybuddy313
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My brother dug a hole in the ground, filled it with water then designed a moving staircase that was powered by it.

That well escalated quickly!

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
If β€˜2020’ was a movie and in two years there was gonna be another year filled with disaster, what would the sequel be titled?

β€˜2022’.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/singh_j
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Guys, I had a really exhausting day yesterday, filling in forms and calculating the surplus of money I had to pay to the country.

It was a taxing day.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NaziWookie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I was with my son in the sandbox and he said, β€œtake this shovel and start filling up this bucket, got it?”

I dig.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do balloons filled with helium cost more than balloons sold in packages?

Inflation

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A king sat on his throne in his beautiful kingdom. Before him were three glasses set on a table. The first two are filled with water, but the third one is empty. What is the name of the king?

Phillip the 3rd

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/some-tortel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground filled with water? No?

Well well well

πŸ‘︎ 70
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a woman once that was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She started waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead...

She was waving an illegal fire arm.

πŸ‘︎ 583
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kaidendeck
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Y’all need better puns

I come to this subreddit everyday to get my fill of home baked dad jokes and some of these jokes are slackin. Let alone that most of them are puns!

I’ve already read ten puns today hoping that at least one of them would make me laugh but no pun in ten did!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pozd5995
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
My best friend keeps telling me to β€œcheer up man. It could be a lot worse, you could be stuck in an underground hole filled with water”

I know he means well.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boonsnaba
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently started a new job in a cafe where I have to prepare all the fillings for cheese toasties.

It’s grate

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hairyfacedhooman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to a car show in a huge warehouse and everyone was just touching all the cars filling the huge room...

It was wall-to-wall car petting.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/webguy1975
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife has started keeping a dry-erase board labeled 'Grocery List' on the fridge, so I filled it in while she was gone this morning.
  • Kroger

  • Wal-Mart

  • Lucky's

  • Whole Foods

  • Winn Dixie

etc, etc

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chambadon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2015
🚨︎ report
'Right Place, Wrong Tim' - starring Asa Butterfield, in a pun filled, horror comedy set in a 90s clock shop youtube.com/watch?v=f-jsf…
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mc_jakie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
My 8yr old daughter got me with "I can breathe under water"

She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theevildave
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A man filling his car with gas, got some gas on his arm. He got in his car and lit a cigarette lighting his arm on fire. He flails around and other patrons help him put it out, just then 2 cops roll up...

They arrest him for waving a fire arm.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stormtrooper-85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Today I found six toes in my sandwich filling

must be because it's in bread.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itsnathanhere
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Having been raised without a dad, I never realized there was a void in my life until you all filled it. Thank you! In appreciation, I present the only dad joke I've experienced firsthand.

Friends and I are playing Mario Kart 64. Friends' dad comes in.
"Who wants icecream??"
All of us "Me me I do!"
"What flavors do you want?"
"Cookie dough!"
"Rock Road!"
"Strawberry!"
"Ok, I was just wondering."

πŸ‘︎ 304
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2014
🚨︎ report
Obituary for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Pop N Fresh

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyes_and_teeth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
You’re Awful

As in you fill me with awe

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatSlipperySeal
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
In 1998 a balloon cost 2 pence. Today a balloon filled with air will cost you 10 pence.

That's inflation for you.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Mama Frog was really struggling with her youngest, Little Hop. He couldn’t seem to sit still!

That is, at least not long enough to learn any of the many, many important things a frog needs to learn in order to be a frog.

You see, a frog needs to be super slick in order to get by. A frog without proper skills, well, he may as well be a toad.

Anyways, every time Mama Frog went about trying to teach Little Hop something, he would just bounce.. and bounce.. and bounce..

And every time Mama Frog had reached her limit of patience, right before giving up, she’d say to Little Hop, β€œIf you keep on keepin’ on hoppin around all aimless, I’m gonna turn you into a toad!”

Which, upon hearing, Little Hop would stop his hop and settle. You see, he knew well enough that he wanted no part of being a toad.

Well, on one particular day, during one such lesson, Little Hop had taken again to bouncing here, and bouncing there - and just about everywhere besides a place he could listen! And on this same particular day, Mama Frog’s patience was worn real, real, thin, you see, and she got sudden filled with a terrible frustration.

And just like a firecracker went off, in a sudden snap, Mama Frog turned Little Hop straight into a toad!

And when it was done, Mama Frog looked at him direct, shook her head, and said..

β€œI toad you so.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/martianrome
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
There's an apartment building in my neighborhood that is filled with guys who think they're Jesus.

It's a messiah complex.

πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/elvisnake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone aroused by filling in the top line of an Excel spreadsheet?

A header row sexual.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OtterBurrow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Sainsbury's in hilarious pun-filled Twitter chat with customer over salmon joke mirror.co.uk/news/weird-n…
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_danielthomas
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
🚨︎ report
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is walking in the woods. He sees three holes filled with water and something he couldn't identify. All could say was

Well, well, well, what do we have here?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
How to catch a bear

First, dig a large hole and fill it with ashes.

Next, line the hole with green peas.

Then when the bear takes a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shartacuss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard the one about three holes in the ground, filled with water?

Well, well, well

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chio182
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2016
🚨︎ report
How do you catch an elephant?

You dig a really big hole and fill it with ashes. You line up peas around the edge. When an elephant comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CASchryver
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call 3 holes in the ground filled with water?

well, well, well...

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/serpentofnumbers
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
🚨︎ report

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