What's the difference between Iron Man & Aluminum Man?
Iron Man stops the bad guy, Aluminum Man foils their plans.
What’s the difference between in-laws & out-laws?
Elton John rang me this morning & asked if I wanted to buy a Rolls Royce.
I asked what reg?
So he shouted DO YOU WANT TO BUY A ROLLS ROYCE?!
Why did Eminem prefer the Johnson & Johnson vaccine?
I waited & stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun was...
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams & Bruno Mars met in a bar...
But they didn't planet that way.
Visiting a friend at the hospital & noticed that all the nurses had red crayons
Found out they need them to draw blood
After Simon & Garfunkel split up, they considered changing the name of one of their most popular songs
to “Parsley, Sage, and Rosemary” because they just needed some Thyme apart.
What do you get when you mix a penis, potato & a boat?
What is the best character in Raid Shadow Legends?
My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
Pete & Repeat were in a boat. Pete fell out & who was left?
Repeat.
Ok. Pete & Repete were in a boat. Pete fell out & who was left?
Repeat….?
Ok. Pete & Repete were in a boat. Pete fell out & who was left?…
My grandpa’s favorite joke. (Peter 5)
Thelma & Louise was good up until the end
That’s when the movie really drove off a cliff.
Doc told me he has good news and bad news for me. Bad news is my organs are shutting down from my eating only pepperoni, ham & salami.
Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
So Covid and homeschool overwhelmed, I need to schedule a reminder to drain their Mac & Cheese.
I had to create a Google Colander entry to remind me...
I was taught by my driving instructor to hold the steering wheel at 10 & 2 o clock
At other times i would just crash.
I just heard that Snap, Crackle & Pop, Tony the Tiger and Capn Crunch have all been killed.
Sounds like the work of a Cereal Killer.
Getting one dose of Pfizer & one dose of Moderna is called a
Petco has a new Covid vaccine for animals & humans. In tests, some people have reported excessive hair growth on their hands. I'm going to get it anyway...
but it does give me paws.
A detective showed up at my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6
A poet & a thief walk into a bar...
... Bar tender says "Hi Dave".
What is the difference between a Protestant & a Catholic church?
A Catholic church is full of gild!
Did you see Thor put some subtle rouge on his brother’s cheeks with just a hint of eye shadow?
The Queen Mary & The Queen Elizabeth 2
Since you guys like one liners, I thought you’d live two liners.
Art by Cyanide & Happiness
looking for plant & clothing/accessories related puns
I am a butcher by trade & yesterday I accidently backed into the meat grinder
I got a little behind in my work
Saw an Adam & The Ants tribute act
I said “you’re not Adam Ant!”, he said “yeah i am.” we argued all night, but he really was adamant.
Looks like Earth & Mars are fighting again
Earth just told Mars to "get a life"
I need an adult, pls & thank u
The business man opened a shadow puppet theater that should make a fortune!
But that’s just projected figures.
Playing as a Monk in Dungeons & Dragons isn’t so hard.
You just have to roll with the punches and look out for number one.
I was so angry, I was shouting at my own shadow.
In a way, I was beside myself.
I just saw Jesus & a couple of His disciples drive past me in a new car
Looks like it was a Christler
When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
How can you tell the difference between male & female ants
Put them in water. Girl ants sink. The rest are boy-ant
Defeating Predators With Facts & Logic
What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo & Juliet?
One’s a Coronavirus and the other is a Verona crisis
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
I just returned from my MIL's funeral, she was hit on the head during a tennis match & killed
It was a lovely service...
"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.
What do you get when you mix a penis & a potato?
Did you see Thor put some subtle rouge on his brother’s cheeks with just a hint of eye shadow?
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