I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.

He said, "No the steaks are too high."

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46

The dog says, β€œbut I rounded them up.”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoeJascoe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, β€œTwo guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.” I asked. β€œWhat did they look like?” He replied...

β€œFifty dollar bills.”

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does Barbie look so young even though she was born in the fifties?

Plastic surgery

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My girl friend just bought fifty tampons for one dollar...

No strings attached.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
DAD: Fifty years ago I had nothing, but I got to sleep with a hot 23 year old girl every night. Now we have a large house and a nice car, but I'm sleeping with an old woman. What happened?

MOM: Go find yourself a hot 23 year old girl and I'll make sure you'll once again have nothing.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Whats two feet wide and fifty feet long?

A centipede

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Repzie_Con
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2017
🚨︎ report
β€œFifty Shades Freed” was the highest grossing movie over the weekends.

It seems a lot of women roped their boyfriends into coming along.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nathanhulsey30
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Should I go see Fifty Shades of Grey in a regular theater? Or...

... should I pay a little extra and see it in clIMAX?

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/patriotminerva
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2015
🚨︎ report
A writer tells his friend, "I once got fifty dollars a word!"

"I talked back to the judge!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrunkenTree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I've got fifty female pigs and fifty male deer. How much are they worth?

A hundred sows and bucks.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bookfellow
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the female lead for Fifty Shades take the role?

Because she didn't meet Dakota for the month yet.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quasar226
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
🚨︎ report
No one went to the fifty cent concert in Gambia...

Because the 23.60 Gambian Dalasi concert was much more polpular.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aswettybudda
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2018
🚨︎ report
If I had a fifty cents for every math test I failed

I'd have $1.15

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shinynewbike
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Fifty "Tom Swifties" slatestarcodex.com/2015/1…
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aegeus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2015
🚨︎ report
Fifty Shades of Grey... β€’ /r/funny reddit.com/r/funny/commen…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reeegen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Do you have fifty cents?
πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dedtired
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2015
🚨︎ report
58
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tsiganology
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What did 50Cent do when he got hungry?

58

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uckioh
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

β€œYou know, one would have been enough.”

πŸ‘︎ 32k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Where do numbers from 50-59 go after their death?

57

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nnntridib
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Why wasn't 50 odd?

57

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/therobloxiankid
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Aisle for Cereal Adulterers.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2018
🚨︎ report
For his birthday, a boy wants a pet spider.

His dad takes him to an exotic pet store, where they see a big, hairy spider. The father asks how much it costs. β€œThat’s fifty dollars,” the clerk replies.

β€œFifty bucks!” the dad exclaims. β€œForget that, I’ll just find a cheap one off the web.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do cow farms smell so bad?

It's from the Dairy Air

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2016
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Well beer nuts are usually around a buck fifty, and deer nuts are always under a buck.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
There’s this coin wrapper that can roll any coin: pennies, nickels, dimes etc. Just roll it up to a marked spot and voila, a perfect roll.

My favorite wrapper is the fifty cent piece

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/holymolybreath
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My Mother turned 50 today. She's not too happy about it so I made her this.
πŸ‘︎ 203
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πŸ‘€︎ u/famguy123
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Why is it so easy for a boy scout to get married?

Because they know fifty ways to tie the knot

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wyatt850
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
50 people swindled!

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, β€œRead all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!”

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, β€œThere’s nothing in here about fifty people being swindled.”

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, β€œRead all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!”

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/50-people-swindled/

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
A man is sitting at a bar when he notices a turtle near the register. It is covered with bandages ....

and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks. The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!" The man looks at the motionless turtle and says, "Alright - Your on!" "on the count of three" says the bartender. "one" "two" "three!" and he picks up the turtle and throws it across the room.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
So I met my girlfriends dad over the weekend.

As I'm packing my car with my gf's clothes and things, her dad comes to help and talks to me for a bit.

Her dad: "What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?"

Me: Having read this one a few days prior on here, I reply, "Beer nuts are a buck fifty and deer nuts are under a buck" without skipping a beat.

Her dad: "I think we just broke some sort of protocol"

We both are grinning like crazy and my gf just shakes her head and gets in the car.

πŸ‘︎ 521
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leviathan713
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
🚨︎ report
Just bought concert tickets for 45 cents.....

Fifty cent ft Nickelback

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Senior sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
🚨︎ report
A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.

One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for another few minutes, but it got cold and I was chilled and soaked to the bone, so I decided to try to head back to camp.

Lightning was starting to crackle above me, so I thought I should try to take a shortcut to make my hike back quicker. I pulled out my compass and found my direction, but the rain made it impossible to see more than five feet in front of me.

I was looking down at my compass, not paying any attention to where I was going, and suddenly felt weightless. The feeling didn't last long as I thumped down on slippery earth a second later.

I had fallen onto a ledge on the side of a rather steep cliff, the bottom of which was at least fifty feet down.

I sat there, contemplating on how to get back up this cliff as water rolled over the edge ten feet above me. There was nothing to grab onto to pull myself up. I was stuck there.

After a few minutes, I noticed the little ledge I was standing on was slowly getting smaller. The water was coming down so hard it was eroding the tiny bit of safety I had.

I dug through my pockets, thinking maybe I had something, anything, to help me out of my precarious situation. All I had was my compass, a cough drop, and a match. I was screwed.

So, I sat there, watching the edge of the ledge I was on get closer and closer to my feet, when suddenly I felt something pushing on my back.

I turned slightly and saw a wooden box sticking out of the cliff behind me. It was working its way out of the side, the rain surely helping it along. I tried to move away from it, but the ledge wasn't very wide and the box kept coming out, pushing me farther to the weak and failing edge.

As more of the box came out, to my horror, I realized it was a coffin! I had no idea how old it was, but it looked rather rotten. All I could think of was being pushed off this ledge, and the rotten coffin breaking and dropping a skeleton onto my broken and battered body at the bottom.

The coffin crept closer, my foot began to slip. I grabbed onto a root that was sticking out of the cliffside and dug in my pocket once more.

I hurriedly tore the wrapper off the cough drop and stuck it in my mouth. It stopped the coffin.

This joke has been told to me

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TipCleMurican
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
🚨︎ report
The charge of the last brigade was:

three hundred fifty dollars according to the receipt

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shagminer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you call it when horses are into BDSM?

Fifty shades of neigh

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShortTemperedGeek
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Why are you complaining?

My dad said this last summer. We were in Mexico, and there was huge flocks of birds swarming above us that day. My stepmom was out on our little porch, reading fifty shades of grey. Suddenly she storms in all huffy and goes up to my dad who was in the kitchen.

Dad: What's up with you?

Stepmom: A fucking bird SHAT on my book! Look! (Sure enough, there was.)

My dad, without missing a beat: Well why are you complaining? Now you got an extra shade of grey!

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mini5
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2014
🚨︎ report
Driving by a cemetery with my dad...

And he points at the cemetery and asks "How many people in there are dead do you think?"

I replied "One hundred, maybe one hundred fifty"

He said "Nope, ALL OF EM!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2017
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about all the inflation on farms these days?

The chickens keep going "Buck Fifty Buck Fifty Buck Fifty!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cssnow52
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2018
🚨︎ report
For the birds

True story:

Took my stepdad to dinner at Cracker Barrel with my mom and gf on Father's Day. There was an advertisement on our table for a birdbath they were selling in the store part of the restaurant.

Mom (seeing that it was $49.95): "I wonder how big that birdbath is?"

Gf: "I think it's about this big" (holds arms in a circle indicating about 18 inches around)

Mom: "That's actually not a bad deal"

Stepdad: "Well, yeah, but where are the birds gonna get fifty bucks?"

o.o

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NSFAnythingAtAll
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2016
🚨︎ report
Got me all the time

Me :- Dad, can I have fifty dollars?

Dad :- Twenty dollars? What do you want ten dollars for?

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chairsniffa
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2015
🚨︎ report
I was working in my shop today when the cashier called me over.

He said, "These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty pound notes."

"What did they look like?" I asked.

He said, "Fifty pound notes."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

One's under dollar fifty, the other's under a buck !

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/music_snobbbb
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
🚨︎ report

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