My girlfriend has a fat orange cat that looks like a pumpkin. She tells him he’s beautiful.

I tell him he’s gourdeous.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cerealkillr95
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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Wife asked me if it was just her, or if the cat was getting fat.

Apparently it is just you was not the correct response n

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
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Hehe... flat cat...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cloudywaffel
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eefje_donkerblauw
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2016
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At sunrise there were two robins overlooking a freshly plowed field

One says to the other β€œLets go eat our fill in seeds and worms.” They swoop down and do so.

Once all fat and happy they find a spot under a tree with the perfect amount of sun, and bask in the sunlight.

An alley cat rolls in and seeing the two birds. Thinking about how he hasn’t eaten in days, and sees two fat birds in front of him, he creeps up, and gobbles them in one fell swoop.

In the aftermath, he takes their spot in the sun, and as he’s laying down to nap he says β€œMan... I sure do love Baskin Robins.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tkl15
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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more dad jokes

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"

5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts

What's brown and sticky? A stick.

I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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