Face masks during the COVID 19 pandemic Puns

But that remains go be seen.

It’s my longest running joke of the year.

It’s the scenter.

because she seems really good at installing antivirus!

"People like you make me sick!".

I'm Thor.

No noose is good noose.

Its because they are ICE-O-LATED

The difference is like night and day.

I finally received my abs solution.

She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."

When he came in the next day, his face was purple. His co-workers told him he shouldn’t beet himself up.

He should have quit while he was a head

They "quarantini"!!

I asked him "Are you by any chance a pole- vaulter?"

He looked surprised "Nein, I'm German, but how did you know my name vas Valter?"

But in the end; 2021.

Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."

I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"

He responds, "it's dead grass."

I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"

.

.

.

He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.

You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

The Referee said it was a Fowl.

A little bit of Background information:  When I was a young lad, my father was a professional glass cleaner.   Not just for a job, cleaning Glass was this man's passion!  He always wanted me to take over for him when I grew up, but I always thought it would be a pain, it was a silly job, really.   However, I knew that my father would be shattered if I didn't put an honest effort into the cleaning business.    The first time I perfectly cleaned a mirror, I realized I could really see myself doing this!   My father was wiping away tears of pride when I began to become as passionate as he was.

Anyways, fast forward to a couple months ago.   I have taken over my father's cleaning company, and was working a job at a publishing agency.  Now, due to the pandemic, this building had set up different entry points depending on the purpose of your visit, and each one was gated and stationed by an employee so you could have your temperature taken and go through a checklist to ensure you don't have any symptoms, etc.

After finishing the contract at this building, the owner was so impressed with my work that he said he would like to recommend me for a permanent job with a friend of his.   At first, I was skeptical (I had taken over the family business, after all), but it was becoming difficult to find regular clients anymore, so I agreed.    He gave me a single sheet from a notepad, and told me to write down something about myself that sets me apart from others in my line of work, and I should make it a very impactful statement,  his friend was a very busy man and wouldn't look at more than notes like these.    I wasn't sure what to write on the spot, so he told me to think about it, and return the note when I come back to leave the bill for my work.

So I came back a few days later, went through the gate to drop off my bill and my note about how I am much better than any other glass cleaner out there.    Well, it turns out the friend of the publishing agency's owner was a hiring manager for a well-known computer company, and my note really caught his eye, and I was offered the job!   Now I make more money every two weeks than I had with a month!   At first, I though my father would be upset by me leaving the family business behind, but he told me "As long as you are happy where you are, with what you are doing, then you are succeeding in life.  You are no longer a student of glass cleaning, you are my equal, and I am proud of you"  I never realized how freeing it

The look on my face was priceless

Ice-o-lation

My 9yr old came up with this one all by herself while watching Frozen.

...I look at least a year older.

then you're cracking open a cold Bud-Pfizer!

Because they only burn on wick ends

That's pretty good thyme-Ming.

.....the mammothematician.

It appears completely safe, with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно и я думаю, что вытащил ослиные уши.

They're uncomfortable, you only wear them in public, and when you don't wear one everyone notices

He would practice socialist distancing.

He's always coffin

What do you call a car that sleeps randomly during the day?

A Carcoleptic.

Pack-age.

Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage

It’s mostly remote work.

A man dressed in rubber boots, orange overalls, yellow hard hat with a light on, blacked up face and a canary on his shoulder walks into a pub. The whole pub goes silent and everyone stares at him for a few seconds then carries on what they were doing. It was only a miner distraction.

They said, “Oh, a mass shooting.”