Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.
My response: why did he change his name to quickly?
Sir this is a Hole Foods.
"No" he said, "It kills them"
Ex-POO-se me! 🤦
'Cause I could step-dad in.
Cashier: No. You have to pay for it.
"No sir it'll be round."
*joke courtesy of a local restaurant
“Yes officer, I’m only going one way”. I replied.
The owner quickly replies, “No, they’re mine!”
"What's a henway?"
Oh, about two pounds
ICU baby, shaking that ass
"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."
The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.
"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."
"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."
"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"
"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."
Woman: Maybe, what's it for?
Me: CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!
Woman: Excuse me?
Me: It's four good caws
She kicked me out and said “The men I please are none of your business!”
The waiter responds, "Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
Does it come with window dressing?
Bookstore guy: Of course, sir. Which one?
Me: William.
Oh shit! Some asshole has my pen.
"Sir," he said, "that's a calendar."
Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Belly Jons." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
"I don't see the problem. It seems like a naan-issue to me."
Of course it does, it's fresh ground.
Edit: This, of course, is an Amazon Echo dad joke. It's a rock solid piece of machinery.
The librarian replied, "Sorry, that's actually against the rules. You see, checking them out only makes them shelf conscious."
"You're excused."
I started using it myself and you get a mix of reactions. Usually a short chuckle. So short I'd probably call it a chuck.
"Sorry, we have naan."
Everytime SO is cooking and I'm in the way, I answer with the same response: "I'm not sure you'll fit"
She kicked me out and said “The men I please are none of your business!”
The guy said, “Of course. Which one?”
Me: William.
"There's no excuse for you."
