Grandpa joke

My grandpa told me this joke; mind you, it was in the '90s, before all the computer tech became relevant.

Inventor runs to the patent office:

  • I have a brand new machine idea!
  • What does it do? - asked the official.
  • You know how every man is tired of shaving every single morning? My shaving machine would be placed all over the city, for scruffy lads to just put their heads in the device, and in exchange for a quarter, it would shave their face for them! - replied the inventor.
  • But Sir, every person's face has a different shape!
  • ...At first!
πŸ‘︎ 507
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DashcamWarriors
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2015
🚨︎ report
A dad joke on the fly with my buddy

My buddy and I were texting a few days ago. He was complaining about the power at his place being out again (relevant, he’s lost power a few times already this winter season). Our exchange went like this:

Him: How about electricity? Wind storm knocked ours out around noon.

Me: No electricity? That’s not shocking.

I couldn’t help myself.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/An_Imperfect_Guy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My first dad joke as a father!

My first son was recently born 5.5 weeks early (he's doing great!)

As such, we hadn't set up a crib or nursery room yet in our apartment. Sitting around with my wife and aunt last night talking about how stressed we were bringing a new baby home to an apartment where we had no place to put him inspired the following exchange.

Wife: "It was kind of like the baby Jesus...no room at the inn kind of situation." Me: "Yeah, we ended up having to have him spend the night with our goat."

(Pause)

Me again: "I felt really bad for the kid. And our son too."

πŸ‘︎ 203
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/camram07
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2014
🚨︎ report
I am the proud owner of a family-run barber shop

For centuries, we've used our shop as a means of teaching the youngest of our lineage the importance of teamwork, the value of a dollar and, most importantly, the self-satisfaction felt in a job well-done.

In the past few weeks, it's been repeatedly brought to my attention that our youngest child, Sheeran, has been demonstrating particularly helpful and productive tendencies so, today, I felt it was finally time to experience the honor of rewarding his efforts, offering him the opportunity to join our workforce; to which he was nothing short of ecstatic!

I'll be honest, I initially withheld concerns that his excitement would subside once I explained the sorts of menial work I'd have to start him off on but, to my relief, he took no issue in hearing that his duties would mostly revolve around wiping our patrons' hair off of the chairs, and sweeping it up from the floor.

Sharing a moment of beautiful silence, exchanging our most heartfelt of smiles and basking in this pivotal moment of his development, I placed my hand on his shoulder and said, "Son...

You are really going to have your work cut out for you."

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/somenewinfo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
We had just finished binge watching 'Stranger Things' ...

and were walking up stairs to go to bed, when this exchange took place:

GF: "Whoa, there's a tv remote all the way over here on the stairs, isn't that weird?"

Me: "Meh, I've seen stranger things."

GF: "Oh my god, STOP!" it got an eye roll and chuckle out of her though.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/0_1_1_2_3_5_8_13
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my co-worker today

I'm wearing a Thundercats t shirt, and right before i left, this exchange took place

"Is that a Thundercats shirt?"

pulls off safety vest to reveal awesome Thundercats shirt

"That is an awesome Thundercats shirt. You're pretty young though, wouldn't have thought you'd have seen it on tv"

"Yeah, I just caught the tail end of it."

cracks goofy smile

He just chuckled and facepalmed then walked away.

I've used this one many times, never gets old.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wigwam2323
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2016
🚨︎ report
My son's first dad joke

My wife, 2 year old son, and I were traveling this past week and went through a drive thru for lunch. After finishing his meal, my son was trying to figure out what the bag said. Not being able to turn around and see what he is seeing, the following exchange took place.

Wife "Do you know what the letters are on the bag?"

Son "Yes!"

Wife " Tell me what the letters are"

Son "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z!"

Me "Was that his first dad joke?"

Wife "He is definitely your son" and rolled her eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/steveh28
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
🚨︎ report
"She has the bladder of a small child..."

Today two of my friends were leaving my place, and unbeknownst to me, one of them went for a quick jaunt to the toilet. The following exchange occurred when I came out of my room again.

Me: "Wait, you're still here?!"

Friend: "Well yeah, G has the bladder of a small child."

Me: "What?! Tell her to give it back before the kid dies."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2014
🚨︎ report
A reply to him DESSERT-ED me...

I decided to make some dessert at home just because I can. To be more specific, I made a brownie cheesecake. Now, if you know cheesecake, it can take some time to make the components. The following exchange took place.


Dad: HEY LAWLZLAWLZ! Can we eat dessert yet?

Me: NO DAD. You know it takes time!

Dad: DID YOU FORGET TO BUY THYME?!

Me:

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lawlzlawlz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad's zinger regarding my cat

I went to my parents place today for lunch, during the course of the meal, the conversation turned towards my cat and his goings on, I mentioned a problem he's been having with peeing on my couch, probably due to separation anxiety because it only happens when I'm out of the apartment for extended periods of time. Upon hearing this, the following exchange occurs:

Dad: We don't have that problem.

Me: (Assuming he's referring to their dog) Yea? That's good.

Dad: Yea, your mother was on a cruise all of last week and I didn't pee on the couch once!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mighty_Cthulhu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.