Blood and Organ related puns please

So a colleague is leaving my work (transfusion medicine lab) to work as an information manager for the organ transplant service. I make cards and I’m trying to think up something punny to write on/in his card and I’ll paint a picture on the front for context. I was thinking like β€œbloody good luck” or β€œsorry you’re transplanting”... but less shitty!

Thanks in advance :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Massive-Lock-6048
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I had the nastiest,rudest,slowest cashier today.

I guess it's my own fault for using the self service checkout lane.

πŸ‘︎ 148
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw an ambulance with the lights on at the local mechanics today.

Guess they needed an emergency service.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darksteel_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
I just returned from my MIL's funeral, she was hit on the head during a tennis match & killed

It was a lovely service...

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altar-83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Dating in Greece

What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?

Oedipal Arrangements.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/felascock
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
The churches in Las Vegas

Did You Know…

In Las Vegas there are more Catholic Churches than casinos. Not surprisingly some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed In.

This is done by the chip monks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BastetLXIX
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Rivers are...

the original streaming service.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tao1976
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend has a business painting rooftops.

You need to book now while his service is on the house.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Koevoet91
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What agency does the president call upon when craving a late night snack?

The Secret Room Service

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrayWolf85
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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Last night my wife says "Honey will you go get us some tortilla chips and cheese?"

I looked deep into her eyes and said "I'm nacho delivery service. "

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skotgil
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My 4y olds temp is a bit high this morning so I told her she was as sick as a dog we have to take her to the vet.

She was a bit scared a very confused until we showed up at grandmas house as usual. Happy Veterans Day to my mom and those who served ! and thanks to all of you that are AD | NAD | TRS | TAMP for your service.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coloredboyadvance
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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Pills for the bull

I recently spent $46,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ...but they kind of taste like peppermint.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Sneezing in church is...

...mass contamination.

Note: The play on the word mass which can refer to a church service or a large number of people.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
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Maid Got Fired

I hired a new maid last year but she wasn’t doing a great job. I called her into the study and told that I was sorry but I was going to have to let her go. I tipped her an extra $20 and thanked her for her services. As she was leaving she threw a $10 bill to our dog, Lucy. I asked her, β€œWhat was that for?" She replied, β€œCan’t forget my helper! Lucy has a great tongue, and always helped me do the dishes!!!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Obi wan and Anakin meet at a force ghost party.

Obi wan: Okay Anakin, answer this. Imagine, I am on a planet, very far away from yours. And I was out of range of all forms of communication.

Anakin: Okay...and?

Obi wan: And there was an urgent message, that you had to send me. How would you send it, when no messaging service would get to me?

Anakin: Simple. I would send it with sand. It gets everywhere.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clone_Writer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
In Need of Pun Artists

Dear Reddit Community,

I need a pun that includes the word senator for my upcoming student election. I figure the wit of 382K people can't fail me. Thank you for your service. Owl miss you.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuyManGuy24
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Donald, Duck" anymore when the president is about to be attacked

But their grandchildren still listen, in spite of rule 4, because hearing dear old grand-da be excited about his stories is just so sweet, whether he remembers tellin them or not

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+ 24 others

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The__Odor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Sad news today in Germany. The inventor of the lozenge has died.

They service will be held on Monday. They'll be no coffin.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrightinglyPunny
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad’s Big Day Out

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethebigones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
[Request] Can anyone please help me come up with a business name that is a Bob's Burgers-level pun?

The neighboring store front and exterminator van in the opening credits have the best punny business names and always crack me up. I'm a fan and would love to name my business in a similar fashion. ETA Examples: I'd Hit That Boxing Gym. Lady and the Clamp, Hardware for Her. A Fridge Too Far. Cupid's Stupid, Divorce Attorneys. A Ton in the Oven, Big and Tall Baby Clothes. Let's Scissor! Collage Studio. Don't Stop Bereaving, Grief Counseling.

But I am So. Stuck.

A little background about my business idea: I'm a personal/sometimes virtual assistant specializing in household admin and management. I'm marketing mostly towards blue collar men who might be widows/divorcees who never had to worry about the general finances and household paperwork. Some of the services offered are: budget setting, bill paying, appointment setting/calendar management, travel arrangements, errands, personal & grocery shopping, pet & house sitting, etc...

I'm ready to take the next steps in making this an actual business and take out some ad space, but the perfectionist in me NEEDS a brilliant name. Can someone please help me? The best I can come up with is some sort of play on Pepper Potts, but I see quite a few VAs out there with that as a business name. I will gift a platinum to the one I like the best if that's appropriate.

Thank you in advance! πŸ”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmElleGee31
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I needed a shirt ironed quicked so I asked a former girlfriend,

but she doesn't offer express service.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GSX-R1000
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Cowboy Boots

A woman went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The woman asked him if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me for mah services before."

"Don't be flattered," she said. "Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees

When I called customer service about it they said, β€œ oh that’s just a freebie.”

πŸ‘︎ 122
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PandaYoshi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Real life dad joke

I don't know if this counts, but we were just shopping, the self service scanner says someone will be with you shortly, man comes over, husband says "nice to meet you someone". Our daughter actually groaned and put her head in her hands

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bseicmkoyn
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Daughter had a balloon with a penny in it.

So, for Easter, my wife and I got our 2-year-old an array of balloons from a delivery service, including some pre-inflated pieces you could β€œbuild your own butterfly” with, etc. It was pretty cool, but coolest of all was this clear balloon pretty tightly inflated with a single penny in it, and if you shook the balloon enough, the penny would eventually find its way to circling the inside of the balloon.

Those balloons lasted for weeks, until today. If you’ve ever seen a clear balloon deflate, you know it gets a little yellow and opaque.

My wife found it laying around and brought it to me, saying, β€œThis looks like a condom with a penny in it.” And I said, β€œThat’s why they call it a money shot.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dormsta
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Four Worms and a lesson

A Southern minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol -Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup -Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Request for pun help.

Hi everyone.

I don't know if this is allowed but I'm running out of ideas. I'm trying to make puns dealing with candies relating to the words "Leadership", "Service", and either "Fellowship" or "friendship". I figured this is the place of experts and hoped you could provide me with a solution. I'm planning on using this for big little reveal in my fraternity.

Thanks again ahead of time!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkecojaj
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I used Turbo Tax to file my taxes last year.

I’ll use a different service this year. I wasn’t really in to it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/J-Z08
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A man needs to hire someone to fix his broken fence.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked.

The monk replied "religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, but why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

πŸ‘︎ 921
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CJFates
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
I work in a hospital and tonight a guy game in who blew off his finger with fireworks.

He was happy with his service...but only gave us a 9/10 rating.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Erastin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball

Great service

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jarvo1992
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Well It's 1 for the Money, 2 For the Show, 3 To Get Ready.....

4 For Sales

5 For Customer Service or

6 to hear these options again

πŸ‘︎ 369
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

  1. Took a bo
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
So, a rope enters a bar...

Goes with the bartender and says

>"Give me your best beer!"

but the bartender replies

>"Sorry, but we give no service to ropes, please leave this place"

so the rope leaves, and decides to knot itself to be a totally different being.

So the rope goes back with the bartender, and the bartender says

>"Aren't you the rope i just kicked out of here?"

and the rope says:

>"I'm a frayed knott"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Squidboy2002
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
The guy working at the gas station was smoking a joint when I walked in...

That place has the highest customer service.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyocouch_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Wanted to share my favorite dadjoke

My dad and I used to hangout alot when I was a teenager. Every time we used to go some place it always started out the same...

Customer service rep: "hi, can I help you?"

My dad: "nope, he was born that way"

Rip dad.

πŸ‘︎ 836
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Axe_wound_crotch
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Why does Australia have so many customer service representatives?

Because they offer koalaity service.

Credit where credit is do... my wife just said that out of nowhere.

I love her so much

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JophTheFreetrader
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
My cellphone just died

The saddest part is there won't be any service.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kazneus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2016
🚨︎ report
How do you sell a chicken to a man that's deaf?

You say "HEY YOU WANNA BUY A CHICKEN?!?!?!?"

My personal favorite. I love to tell it at quiet events. Weddings, church service, funerals.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gymrat7110
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A man rushed to dial 911 one evening when his wife displayed early signs of a stroke.

"Don't worry, sir," reassured the dispatcher. "Emergency services are on their way. Just try to remain calm and stay with her until they arrive."

"How long will the ambulance be?" the man asked.

"About eighteen feet," replied the dispatcher.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Muchacho1994
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Sneezing in church is...

...mass contamination

Note: The play on the word mass which can refer to a church service or a large number of people.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I just came back from my coworker’s funeral, who died when he was hit on the head by a tennis ball.

It was a lovely service.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes

The secret service isn’t allowed to say β€œGet Down!” any more when there is an attack, instead they have to say β€œDonald, duck!”

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The-real-elliott
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it.

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.

Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.

About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.

The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked

the monk replied "Religious reasons."

The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"

"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

πŸ‘︎ 160
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AaronKClark
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Secret security

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "get down" at the president anymore..

They should yell "Donald, duck!"

πŸ‘︎ 102
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Swaggersouls_2001
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
🚨︎ report

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