Drop table Puns

I looked at the guy next to me and said,
"Miscalculated."

Dad: What are you feeding that thing for?! Don't you know that it will grow on its own?

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

In a dad-a-base

"oh no, i pea'd on the table" he said

Looks at watch, I can't believe it's 20:16 already!

What do you call a Woman with one leg?

"Eileen."

What do you call a Chinese Woman with one leg?

"Irene."

Dad: Did they ever find out who was the roundest knight in King Arthur's table?

Me: I'm not sure

Dad: well I'm pretty sure it was circumference

Mom: groans

Me: What happens if cojoined twins commit a crime, who do they charge?

Mom: They'll charge one with the actual crime, and the other with accessory.

Dad: Which month has 28 days in it? Me: ...February... Dad: All 12 of them!

Dad: what's an Eskimo's favorite Mexican food?

Me: I don't know.

Dad: a burrrrrrrrrito! (Cracks up laughing)

Me:(grown)

Talking about one of my coworkers: Me: yeah he's an alright guy Dad: Oh no... he's alright? what's wrong... what happened to his left...

The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away.

I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."

The would-be mentor insisted on going to a seafood restaurant and then he ordered his favorite meal for the both of them. When the hard working, fresh-out-of-journalism-school grad asked the veteran newshound how he always managed to get witty phrases from the Prime Ministers and Presidents he interviewed, a sly smile swam across his face.

Intrigued, she watched intently while he reached for his wallet then removed a €5 note. Holding it toward her face over the table, she was surprised when the greying beat writer dropped the money directly on her uneaten dinner and held an index finger to his closed lips.

As they both looked down at the seafood platter, his paper Euro was suddenly sucked under the rings of fried calamari until it disappeared from sight. After what sounded like a stand-up comedian clearing his throat, a male voice with an Eastern European accent clearly rose out of her food. It said, "Trump asked for dirt on Biden so I sent him some good Ukrainian topsoil."

As the gobsmacked gal with mouth agape slowly raised her eyes to her grinning dinner guest's face, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "squid pro quote".

Required Explanation: "squid pro quote" is a play on words for the saying "quid pro quo", a Latin phrase meaning "something for something". In the news at the time of this posting a tremendous amount of discussion is being circulated about whether or not US president Trump dangled a quid pro quo offer in front of Ukraine's newly elected president, Volodymyr Zelensky. The deal had nothing to do with seafood however, so that was just a red herring. It should also be noted that Mr. Zelensky, before diving into politics, was a stand-up comedian.

My 2 year old little girl was sitting at the kitchen table eating her dinner. It was me and my wife and her, just chilling. So, she drops her napkin on the floor and I pick it up and hand it to her, to which she says thank you daddy. So, I ask her if she can say thank you in spanish.

"Thank you daddy, in spanish"

I almost choked on my meal I laughed so hard, and my wife groaned. I have never been prouder.

Waitress: "You guys look like you're slowing down, should I start wrapping?"

Me: "Sure I'll drop a beat"

Everyone at the table just pretended like they didn't hear it except for her grandfather who laughed.

Dropped this nugget on my 9 year old for the millionth time in the car. 20 minute drive home from baseball practice . Today, he turned the tables. "Hi Driving, I'm Son. Hi Frowning, I'm Son. Hi Grimacing, I'm Son. Hi Twitching, I'm Son." So proud right now. #dadwin

I've got a 13 month old daughter. She's awesome. Anyhow, she's only recently achieved table top height and likes to grab things off the edges (that was a scary development!) Anyhow, one time she grabbed the coffee grind tamper, dropped it and went "Bahhh!" and I said "Now you've lost your tamper."

Sorry about being a little out of touch the past couple of months. My business partner bailed on me in January and I'm in the process of forming a new corporation with a couple of investors, hiring a new bookkeeper (my expartner's wife used to do that), arranging a storage facility, moving offices and re-organizing staff. It has been hectic.

Part of my business model is consulting. I recently had an experience that proves the value of consulting & demonstrates how consultants can make a difference in an organization. I was very impressed. I think this is a segment that I can develop with financial help.

Last week, I went out with some friends to a new restaurant (Steve's Bistro & Provisional Ales). I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked about the spoon.

He told me that restaurant's owner had hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. Everyone started to carry a spoon & since the staff is better prepared now they reduced the number of trips back to the kitchen and are saving 15 man-hours per shift.

A few minutes later I dropped my spoon and & my waiter replaced it with his spare. (I think that he thought I was texting him). He said that he would get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right then. Pretty smart efficiency. These are the types of little changes I plan to make as we move forward.

As we finished dessert I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. Before my waiter walked off, I asked the him, about the string. He lowered his voice & told me that not everyone is that observant. The consulting firm he had told me about also learned that the restaurant can save time on bathroom breaks. By tying the string to the tip of the penis, the male staff can pull the penis out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash their hands. This small change shortens the ti

I work at a smaller chain pizza place, and we serve "artisan pizzas". A family comes in and orders pizzas, with the dad ordering the fungi (the name of one of the pizzas). As I drop them at the table, I announce "I have a fungi for a fun guy". The table goes silent, then the dad bursts out laughing while the rest of his family groaned.

Sitting around the table in a local restaurant the other night, I finally evolved to my final form.

My daughter, 5, kept dropping her garlic rolls on the floor and was getting really upset. I asked her if she was on fire, and the look from my wife told me that she knew what was coming. My two teenaged sons looked at me with the faces that I've seen a thousand times, yet never get tired of seeing.

"Sweetheart, are you on fire?"
"No, daddy."
"Well, I thought you were, because you can't stop drop'n rolls."

I got all rewards from this one. Groans, eye rolls, and of course I cracked myself up.

The owner yells at him; "You stay away from my tables! You dropped one the last time you were here!"

Sql statement leaves and wanders into a nearby restaurant. He approaches two tables; "I was just chased out of the furniture store, may I join you?"

When all of a sudden my 3 year old drops her toy mermaid on the table right into a side cup of marinara. I took advantage of the situation.

"I didn't know she was an Italian mermaid"

Groans were had amongst all.

I was at my friends house this past weekend when her dad dropped this one... They have a bell near their dinner table that hangs just about head level. Her boyfriend was walking by and bumps his head on the bell. He dad responds to this by saying, "Well I can't remember your name, but your face sure rings a bell."

Going around the table saying our thanks during Thanksgiving when my dad drops,

"I'm tankful of gas in my car."

It was soda pressing.

Dad dropped this one at the dinner table the other night.

I was sitting at the table eating breakfast and my dad walked up and dropped this one. How'd the hipster burn himself? He drank his coffee before it was cool

I work in a pub, and I was clearing tables when my friend ran over to me looking very excited. She pulled me over to the coffee machine behind the bar, where she had dropped the jug from the steamer.

"It's a Milky Bar!"