Down the Road Puns

I saw a hitchhiker and I asked if he needed a ride, he responded with, "oui oui!" I quickly closed the door and said, "Not in my car!"

I heard they’re very neighborly

“Driver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.

“You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.

“Oh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re free to go…I didn’t realize you were a cop!”

Edit: Some people in the comments are saying that this is not a dad joke, I put this here cause my dad told this one to me. Hope this makes sense :)

Husband says, "out of hitting the ladder and not hitting the ladder, I choose the latter".

I slowed down and rolled down the window. They told me to mooooooooooooove along.

(Corny as hell, I know. Thanks, Dad)

A nearm!

One says, "hey that looks like dog poop". Then he bends over and touches it. He says, "feels like dog poop". The other bends over and sniffs it. Says, "smells like dog poop". Then he sticks his finger in it and tastes it. He says "tastes like dog poop". The other one says, "Well, good thing we didn't step in it!!"

Note: little boys crack right up all the way through with this joke. Something about poop is enormously funny to boys.

I explained that when I got my license it specifically said to tear along the dotted line.

You dont even need to drive!

He said “No, just walking the dog”.

I turn to her and say “I bet he don’t have the guts to do that again”

Edit: holy shit y’all this blew up. Thank you master dads. I feel worthy

The Police pulled me and are now arresting me for having a fire arm without a license…

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk.” The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks." In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is

I guess you could say I’m pie-curious

I thought "the streets are strangely desserted tonight."

"Until the pressure got to him."

One was assaulted.

“Hey!”

and turned into a field!

Well that’s bazaar, I thought.

He was carrying a 19th century French masterpiece under his arm and a cage with 2 baby birds in his hand.

I asked how much they were and he said, "I got my Monet for nothing and the Chicks for free".

A lady came up behind me and slipped as well, I said I just did that, she slapped me and said use the toilet next time

I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.

I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...

His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”

An oldie but a goodie.

I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

Then he turned into a driveway.

It wasn't all bad though, I love grilled fish.

"I'm Avery."

When he was finished, he looked at the other dog and said, “Clean up that mess.”

The other dog sniffed the pile and said, “Nope. That’s your asphalt!”

The cop says "Why weren't you braking back there?"

And the man replies "I'm wearing clean underwear."

The cop says "Why is that relevant?"

And the man says "Well, I don't wanna get any skidmarks."

Cause that's 2020 too.

We passed by a cemetery and my dad said that people are just dying to get in there.

*** probably a repost but it's the best joke my dad told me from long ago

My daughter shrieked,"Quick dad, show him your cross!"

Without a second thought, I shouted, "YOU LEAVE US ALONE YOU BIG MEAN OLD VAMPIRE!!"

Daddy tomato goes back, smacks him on the head and says, “KETCHUP!”

Instepcion

He said, "No. I haven't paid for my haircut!"

Speak now or forever hold your pee.

Walking down the road and out of nowhere a random guy threw a block of cheese at me! I said to him now that wasn’t very mature was it!

I shouted “Morning!” He said “No, just walking the dog.”

"Until the pressure got to him."

"Until the pressure got to him."