Me and black pudding don’t get along very well.

I guess you could say we’ve got some bad blood.

👍︎ 6
💬︎
📅︎ Mar 18 2022
🚨︎ report
Well, Don’t Tell Your Mother But I Got Arrested For Stealing Utensils From a Kitchen

It was a stupid decision but it was a whisk I was willing to take.

👍︎ 26
💬︎
👤︎ u/AstrosAtoZ
📅︎ Sep 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Why don’t eggs do well as comedians?

They’re always cracking up.

👍︎ 8
💬︎
📅︎ Jul 31 2021
🚨︎ report
How much does an influencer weigh?

An Instagram.

👍︎ 4k
💬︎
📅︎ Mar 09 2022
🚨︎ report
Please don't use odd and obscure colognes and perfumes....

Common scents, people!

👍︎ 327
💬︎
👤︎ u/TOYST_OF
📅︎ Feb 18 2022
🚨︎ report
I only have one thing to say to people who don't like the police

Don't stand so close to me

👍︎ 32
💬︎
👤︎ u/wagermant
📅︎ Feb 09 2022
🚨︎ report
I got a job as a bullet ...

I was fired immediately

👍︎ 4k
💬︎
📅︎ Oct 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Mom: "The line was too long, I wasn't going to wait" Me: "Well I have patience, something that you don't"

Dad: "She works at a doctor's office, of course she has patients"

👍︎ 9
💬︎
📅︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I took a photo of a pig I saw today at the Zoo.

I loved it and couldn’t get my eyes off of it so I decided to frame it to the wall in the living room next to my wife’s photo. And since she wasn’t okay with having a pig’s photo hanging next to hers, obviously, she was angry at me,

“You’re not hanging that creepy photo in this house sir” she said.

To which I replied “Well, honey, I don’t think you see it”.

“See what?!” She asked.

“The pig picture” I said.

👍︎ 17
💬︎
👤︎ u/2T4J
📅︎ May 03 2022
🚨︎ report
If at first you don’t succeed, well there goes skydiving.

Unless you have a Maxwell House parachute. They are good ‘til the last drop.

👍︎ 10
💬︎
📅︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture

I have a hunch, it might be me.

👍︎ 5k
💬︎
📅︎ Sep 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I’ve been feeling really depressed, and my best friend isn’t helping

I try to talk about my feelings with him, but he’ll just say vaguely supportive things that really don’t help. He’ll say things like “hey, cheer up buddy. I know things seem tough but at least you’re not stuck in one of those, you know, those holes in the ground? The thing with the bucket so you can get water from the hole.”

I know he means well.

👍︎ 2k
💬︎
📅︎ Jan 15 2022
🚨︎ report
So a church needed a bell ringer…

The friar puts a sign outside that said ‘bell ringer wanted, tryouts Saturday morning’

Saturday morning rolls around, and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell. A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man, and an average sized man.

The friar took them all up one at a time and handed them the hammer to hit the church bells with.

The muscular man grabbed the hammer in one hand, slammed it into the bell, and nearly shattered both with the force behind the swing. The friar said that they’ll have to keep looking.

The frail man could barley pick up the hammer. He swung it pitifully, and managed to ting the bell. The friar just shook his head and chuckled, thanking the man for coming.

The average sized man refused the hammer. Before the friar could question it, the man reared his head back and slammed it into the bell, producing a ring of such pure tone and quality it brought a tear to the friar’s eye. While he was wiping the tear from his face, the man, stumbling from the impact of skull to bell, accidentally tripped and fell off the bell tower to his death.

Well, the townsfolk had heard the beautiful bell, and a small crowd had gathered beneath the bell tower around the man’s body.

Collectively, they said “Who is he Friar? What happened?”

The friar shook his head sadly and said

“I don’t know, but his face rings a bell”

BUT IT ISN’T OVER CAUSE THEY STILL NEED A BELL RINGEE ROUND TWO KIDDOS HERE WE GO!!

So the next morning, when the friar opened the doors in the morning, a man approached him and said “Friar, you don’t know me, but the man who died yesterday was my brother. I’d be honored if you’d let me ring the bell today in his honor.”

The friar nodded and let the new man up the bell tower, handing him the hammer.

With a nightly swing, the man slammed the bell, producing again a high quality ringing tone. Unfortunately, he slipped while off balance and fell off the bell tower too and died.

Again, people were gathered around and they all asked as one “Who is he, Friar, what happened?”

The friar looked at them all in turn and said “I don’t know, but he’s a dead ringer for his brother”

show more
👍︎ 32
💬︎
👤︎ u/Chemicistt
📅︎ Apr 05 2022
🚨︎ report
A duck walks into a bar..

and asks the bartender if they have any grapes. The bartender, puzzled, says no. The duck leaves and returns the following day, waddling into the bar to hop up on a stool and yet again ask the bartender, “do you have any grapes?” Bartender curtly replies, “no.”

The duck returns the following day, struts on in, jumps up on his stool and loudly asks the bartender once more, “do you have any grapes?” The bartender now over their limit says, “no! I don’t have any grapes! And if you ask me that again I’m going to nail your little webbed feet to the floor!” Duck jumps off his stool and leaves.

The following day the bartender is fuming to see this duck come flip flopping through the door yet again, jump up on a stool and stare at them. The duck clears his throat and politely asks, “excuse me sir, but do you have any nails?” The bartender says, “no.”

“Well then” stated the duck, “do you have any grapes?”

👍︎ 9
💬︎
📅︎ Mar 05 2022
🚨︎ report
Lactose Intolerant people don’t handle some jokes well.....

They’re too cheesy

👍︎ 26
💬︎
📅︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I had a doctor’s appointment today but it didn’t go so well. All he did was suck blood out of my neck. Don’t go to Dr. Acula.
👍︎ 3
💬︎
📅︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My psychiatrist says I have an unhealthy obsession with revenge.

We'll see about that...

👍︎ 9k
💬︎
👤︎ u/VERBERD
📅︎ Apr 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Family members you don’t know very well are relative strangers.
👍︎ 10
💬︎
📅︎ Mar 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Lance is an uncommon name nowdays

But in mediaeval times people were called lance a lot

👍︎ 14k
💬︎
👤︎ u/tadashi4
📅︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Deescalation through a dad joke…

… I was working with this guy who kept ignoring me every time I said hi to him. Finally one day I asked him “what’s up?” He said essentially that I don’t like you very much. My response was “Well, do you have kids, if not, you should because that has been made very a-parent; yet I don’t know why. “

At first a look of anger😠

Then confusion🤔

Then a laugh😅

We are ok now. 👍

👍︎ 5
💬︎
👤︎ u/Jjstone78
📅︎ Mar 24 2022
🚨︎ report
Where do mansplainers get their water?

From a well, actually..

👍︎ 12k
💬︎
👤︎ u/safiyah-l
📅︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Burnt out illustrator

A professional illustrator has become quite successful drawing one specific mountain scene. It sells well but he has been doing it for years and is getting so tired and bored of doing the same piece that he finally stops. He starts drawing new scenes, anything but that mountain, but they don’t sell at all. Then he starts running out of money and his friend asks him what he is going to do. The illustrator replies “I guess I’ll have to go back to the drawing bored.”

👍︎ 3
💬︎
👤︎ u/Shgoomba
📅︎ Mar 11 2022
🚨︎ report
Well if I don't....

Driving to airport 45 mins away:

Driver - "Remind me to stop for gas before we get too far"

Me - "Well if I don't, the car will!"

👍︎ 7
💬︎
📅︎ Dec 28 2016
🚨︎ report
Ever wonder why you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Well, of course you don't. They're really good at it.

👍︎ 119
💬︎
👤︎ u/jfshay
📅︎ Oct 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend in the country couldn’t afford his water bill...

So I sent him a ‘Get Well Soon!’ card.

👍︎ 10k
💬︎
📅︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you need to do when you’re addicted to sea weed?

Sea kelp

👍︎ 375
💬︎
📅︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
My cat was just sick on the carpet

I don’t think it’s feline well.

👍︎ 3
💬︎
👤︎ u/chacham2
📅︎ Dec 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Coworker says she worried about her psyche exam.

“Oh, I didn’t know you were learning to be psychic!”

“Well, I don’t think I’ll even pass!”

“Should have seen that coming”

😎

👍︎ 4
💬︎
👤︎ u/lizzlebean
📅︎ Dec 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend keeps saying “Cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well

👍︎ 312
💬︎
📅︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I met a mushroom today.

I don’t know him very well but he seems like a fungi.

👍︎ 5
💬︎
👤︎ u/Sokhoofd
📅︎ Oct 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad is on the bench because of knee surgery….

So I’m at the house pulling weeds on the sidewalk for him (I’m 39, Hes 63), he comes out and checks on me, brings me water. We talk and I point out to him that there has been 3 military bomber style planes pass over the skyline in the last 10 minutes. And I told him I bet there will be another one. He asked me what kind of plane? I told him I don’t know. A bomber. b52. C130. C7. Like that.

Finally, ten minutes pass and sure enough another passes. I point it out and he says

“Oh that’s a C130”

And I shrug and say “yea well, you C130, you’ve seen them all”

And he repeated it while laughing.

So I’ll keep that in my memories for later.

👍︎ 53
💬︎
📅︎ Aug 17 2021
🚨︎ report
It’s crazy that there are dads out there who weren’t even born when Shrek came out in 2001-

Well the years start coming and they don’t stop coming

👍︎ 11
💬︎
📅︎ Aug 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I was pulled over by a police officer for a moving violation…

The officer’s name was Tina, and she was a sergeant. Certain my wife would leave me for being pulled over, again, I welled up and began bawling like a baby. Officer Tina, overcome by my emotional outburst, began to tear up as well. I stopped her in her tracks, though, and declared, “Don’t cry for me Sergeant Tina.”

👍︎ 10
💬︎
📅︎ Jul 26 2021
🚨︎ report
An old woman goes to see her doctor…

She tells her doctor, “Doc, you’ve got to help me because I can’t stop farting. Luckily it doesn’t smell or make noise, but something must be wrong with me because farts constantly. As I was waiting In the waiting room I was letting them go right and left! Why I’ve farted five or six times just sitting here talking with you.”

The doctor says, “Take these pills— one in the morning and one in the evening and come back in one week.”

After the week goes by she returns to his office but she is madder than a hornet! When the doctor comes into the examination room she immediately yells, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts smell awful! It’s terrible!! It’s like something crawled up me and died! What did you do?!?”

The doctor replied, “Well now that we have your nasal passages unclogged let’s see what we can do about your hearing…”

👍︎ 16
💬︎
📅︎ Jul 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Scientist #1: Wow we’ve invented a new specifies of spider. What should we call it?

Scientist #2: Well, it has a tiny body but really long legs. Why don’t we call it a “Long Legs” ?

Scientist #2: Not kinky enough.

👍︎ 3
💬︎
📅︎ Aug 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Driving behind a hearse, my wife asked “How fast do you think a hearse can go?”

Me: I don’t think very fast at all

Wife: Why not?!

Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back...

Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!

👍︎ 5k
💬︎
📅︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➡

show more
👍︎ 26
💬︎
📅︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My 7yo just pulled an UNO reverse dad joke on me.

Homework time.. complaining, I don’t wanna, etc.

Me: Nicky, I’m getting upset.

Nicky: Well, hello, Getting Upset, I’m Nicky.

Then he dabbed and walked away. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this.

👍︎ 778
💬︎
👤︎ u/AirCatcher
📅︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad and the Home Depot Bucket.

When I was 15 there was a Home Depot bucket next to the front door for a while. One night I was watching tv with my mom. She was laying on the couch and I was laying on the floor.

My dad got home from work and as he was taking off his boots he asked “Hey, where did that Home Depot bucket come from?” And without skipping a beat I said “I don’t know. Home Depot?” My mom laughed so hard and my dad was pissed. I got grounded for a week for “being a smart ass”.

I’m now 26 and to this day when my dad and I go to Home Depot I always chuckle and point to the buckets and ask “Hey dad, where do you think those come from.”

On one of these trips I picked one up and was examining it when my dad asked me what I was looking for. I turned the bucket upside down and said “Well would you look at that dad. They’re from Lowe’s.” I thought he was gonna knock my ass out right there.

TLDR: My dad: “Where did that Home Depot bucket come from?” Me: “I don’t know. Home Depot?”

👍︎ 5
💬︎
👤︎ u/Malfoy1743
📅︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Help!! Creative Minds Needed!!

My Dad has recently shown a fascination with space and NASA. Long story short, Christmas is coming up and my plan is to surprise him with an all expense paid trip to Florida for 4 days with passes to the Kennedy Space Center. I’d schedule it around a launch so he would be able to see it in person. As well as checking out the area a bit since we’re there.

Which is where I need your help! I want to coordinate hints with presents that slightly hint at the trip. For example, I picked out a NASA tshirt, a space shuttle plush toy, assorted astronaut ice cream, socks that have planets and a rocket on them, mug that says “coolest dad in the galaxy,” a map/atlas of florida, and luggage tags. And the final gift I’m thinking will be a letter that puts all the clues together and would include the plane tickets, car rental agreement, hotel confirmation, and the admission tickets in an envelope.

Can anyone give me ideas on what hints to use??

  • I’m still adding/taking away present ideas so if anyone has any better ideas please let me know!!

Thank you so much!! Any type of help is appreciated!! I don’t really have that “creative” part of the mind... whether it be a rhyme or dad joke-y type hint, it doesn’t matter!

👍︎ 2
💬︎
📅︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse

I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

👍︎ 5k
💬︎
📅︎ Oct 16 2018
🚨︎ report
My cat was just sick on the carpet,

I don’t think it’s feline well.

👍︎ 12
💬︎
👤︎ u/kickypie
📅︎ Jul 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My cat was just sick on the carpet,

I don’t think it’s feline well.

👍︎ 3
💬︎
👤︎ u/kickypie
📅︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you get out of a conversation with the Easter Bunny?

Well. You don’t want to egg him on; he’s a real basket case. Hop out of there.

👍︎ 11
💬︎
👤︎ u/Jcvista69
📅︎ Mar 29 2021
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➡

show more
👍︎ 6
💬︎
📅︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report

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