Dog Pounded Puns

Barkham Asylum.

But it was too far fetched.

A large dog, and a tiny dog. He knows that he can only catch one, because the other will flee before he can catch it. Which dog does he catch, and why?

A. The large dog, because it weighs more. (Dog catchers are paid by the pound.)

Sounds weird dozen tit

She got a Golden Retreiver

And that look.....that's the look we all know and love. A truly well executed dad joke.

A Retiree's Last Trip to Sam's Club

Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two handfuls every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care,because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

He took one of our 100 pound labrador retrievers to the vet and texted me to bring the other (less hassle). I pull up next to his car in the parking lot. Before I let my dog out of the back of my truck I turn to him and say "I normally do my dog deals at night. Less witnesses."

I'd like to say he sighed and drove off. Instead he asked what I was on about. I explained the joke to which he said, "I raised you better. You're supposed to say $10 a gram or 10k for the whole lab."