π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 05 2020
A doctor was looking at a patient's X-rays.
Doctor: This is exactly what I was afraid of.
Patient: What is it, doctor?
Doctor: Skeletons.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 03 2019
With trembling hands, my doctor looked up from my x-ray and stammered, "This is exactly what I was afraid of." Gripping my chest, I rasped, "What?"
Eyes wide, he whispered, "Skeletons!"
π︎ 380
π
︎ Mar 03 2018
Itβs so unethical for a dog to be a doctor. Dogs canβt control machines like x-rays. But catscan.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 26 2019
What does Stingβs doctor say when he looks at his x-rays?
βHmm, thatβs intra-stingβ
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jan 28 2019
Doctor: Here's your x-ray. Me : I look ugly in this one. Please delete this take one more .
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 14 2018
The doctor read my X-ray and said that I can't laugh for six weeks.
He told me I broke my humerus bone.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 14 2017
Doctor: "Relax David, It's just a small surgery. Don't panic!!"
Me: "But my name isn't David."
Doctor: "I know, I'm David."
π︎ 996
π
︎ Mar 01 2021
A man was very nervous just before his vasectomy...
...so to stall, he asked the doctor if he preferred to start with the left testicle or the right, to which the doctor replied, I donβt think thereβs a vas deferens.
π︎ 134
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
Iβve got this awful disease where I canβt stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says itβs terminal.
π︎ 271
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
Doctor to patient do you smoke?
Patient: yes.
Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?
Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Dec 04 2020
I cut myself and now I need to listen to some music to make sure it heals good.
Or how the doctor put it, "A band aid."
π︎ 15
π
︎ Mar 28 2021
I just had a physical.
The Doctor said "don't eat anything fatty".
I said "you mean avoid burgers and bacon, that sort of thing?"
He said "no Fatty, don't eat anything".
π︎ 49
π
︎ Mar 09 2021
A man walks into his doctorβs office and says, βDoctor, I think Iβm addicted to Twitter.β
The doctor looks at him and says, βSorry, I donβt follow you."
π︎ 794
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
I accidentally ate some food coloring today.
The doctor says Iβm fine but I feel like I dyed a little inside.
π︎ 303
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
Did you hear about the priest who was admitted into the hospital with over two dozen little plastic horses lodged in his rectum.
Doctors say he is in stable condition.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
What did the hospital say to the man with 100% of his left side missing?
The doctor says βHeβs alrightβ
The nurse follows βThereβs nothing left!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
There is only one other pun better than this one....
A man's farts once began sounding like the word "honda."
US Doctors were no help for the man.
Finally a Japanese Doctor took his case & sent for the man to come to Japan.
The man flew to Japan and after a short examination the Doctor said to him, "you have abscess tooth."
"An abscess tooth?" the man asked.
"Yes," replied the doctor "abscess make the fart go Honda."
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 09 2021
Doctor leaning over a patient who is slowly falling asleep due to anesthetic
-
No worries Steve, this will work out just fine. Itβs an easy procedure.
-
But doctor, Iβm not Steve!!
-
I know, I am Steve.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 25 2021
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking, its going to be a massive change for me.
I've been with that doctor for 15 years.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
A doctor is reviewing test results with his patient...
Doctor: I'm afraid you've tested positive for herpes.
Patient: I knew that one of these days I'd end up with a fungal infection.
Doctor: Actually, it's viral.
Patient: Yeah, but I got it from a fun gal.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Mar 16 2021
The Doctor said I should drink more Scotch
Also, Iβm now calling myself The Doctor
π︎ 29
π
︎ Mar 09 2021
I have a tendency to not listen to people properly.
The doctor says it's because I've got 80HD.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
Joke
So I went to the doctor the other day about a broken arm, I told him I broke it in several places.
He said donβt go to those places anymore
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
π︎ 25k
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
Studies show that the Moderna and Pfizer vaccines are causing people to cry
While this is minor, doctors haven't seen this side effect with the Johnson & Johnson vaccine.
This is thanks to their no tears formula.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
After eating alphabet soup....
....the next time I pooped I had a vowel movement. But I'm a bit worried that all the other letters still haven't come out. It's been a while now so I went to see my doctor. He said it wasn't a big deal. I was just a little consonantipated.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
In my job interview I was asked what some of my good qualities were...
Well my doctor always calls me patient.
π︎ 93
π
︎ Feb 15 2021
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
Just thought this : I went to the doctor cause I was pooping clocks
The doctor told me i was wasting time
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
The nurse tells the doctor: "There's an invisible man in the waiting room."
The doctor replies: "Tell him I can't see him now."
π︎ 69
π
︎ Feb 04 2021
Man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him that he thinks he can see into the future.
The doctor asks, "When did this start?"
Patient replies, "Next Tuesday"
π︎ 45
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
Mum: an apple a day keeps the doctor away
Son at shops the next day: Mum, can we get that box of apples?
Mum now pretty confused: why honey?
Son: I kinda kicked my football through the doctors window
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
When I was a child, I couldn't finish a sentence...
Doctors diagnosed me with Clausetrophobia
π︎ 21
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
Heroine
I walked into a substance abuse clinic for my second meeting yesterday. The doctor knew I had a severe crush on women super heros...today he told me the news.
"Sir I'm afraid it's dire, you need to be checked in immediately for your heroine addiction"
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 08 2021
A man woke up in the hospital after a serious accident, the man yelled "DOCTOR! DOCTOR, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"
The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."
π︎ 58
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
My friend had the left side of his body ripped off in an accident.
But the doctor said heβll be all right.
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
How are chiropractors and public relations specialists alike?
One is a spine doctor and the other is a spin doctor, but both give things a new twist!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
Doctor to the patient:
- Can you hear better with the hearing aid that I recommended?
- Yes, I can. Thank you very much, doctor. I've already re-written my Will 3 times.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
Patient: βDoctor! Somethings wrong! Iβm shrinking!β
Doctor: βTake it easy, sir. Youβll just have to be a little patient.β
π︎ 18
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
My friend is addicted to watching other people eat a gingerbread house.
Doctors are calling it munch housing by proxy.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
Man: "Doctor, Doctor. All my sons want to be valets when they grow up."
Doctor: "WOW, That's the worst case of Parking Son's disease I've ever seen."
π︎ 50
π
︎ Jan 22 2021
Donβt expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
π︎ 150
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
So the nurse brought the proctologist a can of beer.
βNo!β, said the doctor. βI wanted a butt light.β
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 17 2021
A guy wakes up in hospital and screams, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs."
Doctor replies, "Of course not, I've cut off your arms."
π︎ 20
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
π︎ 211
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
Iβve got this awful disease where I canβt stop telling airport jokes
My doctor says itβs terminal
π︎ 18k
π
︎ Sep 04 2020
a lady goes to the doctor and says Iβm addicted to Twitter
the doctor says I donβt follow you
π︎ 20
π
︎ Feb 21 2021
Patient: doctor, I've gone blind
Doctor: I see
Patient: I don't
π︎ 21
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
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