Docking the Boat Puns

Quoth the raven, “Never moor.”

Because they leave a wake.

It was good to see dad's berth place.

Because if you had two it would be a paradox.

It was the pier pressure

He had an accident at berth.

Too much Pier Pressure

He took out a pier to pier loan.

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, “Constipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said “No, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, “Yeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. “Taken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

Family and I went on a fancy boat tour of a local rich lake. The captain provided a running narrative over the intercom about the history of the houses, etc.

Captain: You'll notice all the piers look the same on the lake. There's no law governing that, everyone just agrees they should use the same color and materials. Some might call that "pier pressure."

Crowd: (groans)

Me: I think we need to dock him some points for that one...

Wife: (groans and pretends not to know me)

On a ferry to get to my car, a dad and his young son go to the window next to me.

Dad: "Well son, this is as far as the boat is going to dock. We still have a few feet so you are going to have to get out and swim the rest of the way."

Son: "No dad stop you are lying, its too cold to swim."

Dad: "Sorry buddy but I'm standing."

The joke went over the little dudes head while I giggled like a school girl

I am visiting my parents, and today my dad and I went out sailing on the lake. We put the boat in, and then needed to tie it off to the dock while getting situated. My dad handed me a big tangled mess of rope, and suggested I untangle it and moor the boat with it. It was more tangled than any headphones I've seen. After a few moments I exclaimed in frustration, "who the hell put this rope away last?"
My dad quickly retorted, "I'm not sure, but they were certainly knoty."

Too much pier pressure..