Deserve This Puns

What a bitch.

I can say, without hyperbole, that the jokes here determine the difference between a boy and a groan, man.

My son was playing with a fly. It’s wings were messed up so it couldn’t fly away. He was holding it and said, “Daddy, this fly’s wings are broke.” I said, “then it’s not a fly, it’s a walk.”

I got utter silence from the people around me, though my daughter giggled a little.

To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.

"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."

"Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."

"Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."

"Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."

"Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."

Because he’s up “All Night Long”!

Heard this joke on the radio yesterday, I thought it deserved a place here.

So pear with me. I’m berry sorry about this. Eggs are Eggcellent. I deserve to be dilled. Yeah I’m grape at this.

At job interview at restaurant there were three aplicants a man, a women and Bob. The interviewer asked the man,

"Why do you deserve this position"

The man replied "I have worked at three 5 star restayrants and have been in this field for 8 years"

The interviewer asked the same question to the women and she replied "I have been working in this field for 15 years and have managed many famous restaurants around the world"

It was finally Bob's turn and the interviewer asked him the same question,

"Why do you deserve this position"

Bob said "You could say i bring a lot to the table"

"And my name is Kristen if you need anything." "That won't be necessary, thank you, Jennifer."

The father asked him if he was feeling sad.

The boy said no I deserved this I got too into the breadmaking and lost my cool.

The man sat back in his chair perplexed even more.

He asked him ok but why did you need them?

The boy looked confused.

Everyone needs them, to walk to run and to play.

No but why the fuck did you knead them?

Recently my cousin got into Star Wars Fanfictions. Like absolutely enamored by them. Not being much of a fanfic guy but still wanting to be supportive I inquired into her new obsession. After a bit of asking she told me she hated the new villain arcs for the new trilogy but thought they were good characters that deserved a better story to be explored through. After this, I fully understood and was happy she was exploring these antagonists through a different lens.

Just goes to show ya, different snokes for different folks.

My wife gave birth to our first son on Friday. This morning they came to get him for his circumscion and we were feeding him a bottle. The nurse said we were going to have to cut it short. I said ok, but not too short. And nobody laughed. They looked at me like an idiot. Hopefully the internet will appreciate this.

EDIT: Didn't expect this to garner so much attention, but I guess it deserves some elaboration. Yes, this actually happened and we had our son circumcised. Everything went well without any complications. I made this decision with my wife based on hygienic, traditional, and aesthetic reasons, and I am confident in my decision. I am circumcised, and I'm happy with it.

There are times in my son's life that i will need to make decisions for him, and this was one of those times. I understand that some people think I have committed a terrible crime against my son, but I disagree. There are many arguments for both sides, and I think these decisions should be made by family and doctors when the bridge comes to be crossed.

I'm not going to go through and answer all of the questions and insults individually, I have a newborn to take care off, but y'all feel free to hash it out.

Also, I still think my joke was pretty damn funny.

I hate to do this about a local business but feel you deserve to know. 😕

** Be aware **

We ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place (I'm not going to name them) I'd just been to pick it up and as I were driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!! I thought what the hell is that? Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out

I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the prawn crackers!

I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ...

... A Peeking Duck!!!

This isn't my joke, I just thought it deserves to be on r/puns

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Morning, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.

[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): I’m glad to say you won’t be needing that pill, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words “I have a cunning plan” marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): They certainly are.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Well, forgive me if I don’t do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): We do nothing …

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Yup, it’s another world-beater.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): No, wait. We do nothing … until our heads have actually been cut off.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): And then we … spring into action?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): [to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): The phrase, Baldrick, is “a case of sour grapes” – and yes it bloody well is.

Mrs. Miggins: The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! He’s so exciting, don’t you think?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Actually, I think he’s the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/funny-quotes-from-blackadder-the-third/

Blatantly stolen from my Uncles Facebook page (link in comments):

Uncle: I'm proud of myself. Instead of goofing off this summer, I chose to go back to school and better myself. I enrolled in a course and have spent the past few weeks in intense study, finally passing the final exam today with a score of 100% - a score that I'm pretty sure they don't see too often. It's not often that I toot my own horn, but this time I think I really deserve it. Thank you to everyone who helped me achieve my goal!

Friend: Congratulations! What subject?

Uncle: It was Traffic School. Speeding ticket. The system wanted me to fail.

this joke is so bad that it deserves an f

"Merry Christmas. I hope you get exactly what you deserve."

I promise, this never fails to raise eyebrows, but ultimately it's a nice Christmas wish :)

And so the string decides that he shall stop at his favorite Pub and treat himself to a pint before going home to the wife. But after a decent walk he arrives at the pub to find a new sign on the door that reads " No Strings Allowed".

The string becomes infuriated. "How dare they" he thinks to himself. After having been a loyal patron for 10 years he decides this injustice is not to be tolerated and comes up with a plan.

He takes a moment and steps into the back alley way to be discreet. While he is there he ties himself into a knot and frays the top. Content with his disguise he marches back around to the front, enters the bar and has a seat when requests a pint of beer.

The bartender being a little suspicious looks at him a little uneasily but just can't seem to peg what the problem is. He serves him the beer regardless while keeping a close eye on the suspicious character. A little while later the string decides that the week at work has been so long that he is deserving of two pints of beer before going home to retire for the weekend.

It is just at that point when the bartender is serving him his second pint that he pauses and looks at the string and says "Hold on one minute! Aren't you a string?"

To which the string replied, "Sorry, I'm a frayed knot".

A Drake!

*Not my joke, I asked my Amazon Alexa to tell me a joke and this is what she said. This deserves some exposure imo :)

I'm pretty sure it is all just koreagraphed though

Edit: as Mad-slick pointed out, this was originally posted elsewhere on reddit in r/pics. Original is linked in the comments, go give him the deserving up vote please.

Steam

I don't deserve forgiveness for this joke

Dad: You're done eating Mama?!

Just heard this in the table behind me. Not a laugh was had. I thought I'd give him the credit he deserves.

From the Dad Jokes that are so bad they're actually good... fathers deserve to be celebrated.

This Father's Day tribute vid sums it up for me: https://youtu.be/xh3i8Sn0Z0k

Hope you enjoy as much as I did. Figured I'd share.

(This joke just deserved a more catchy title, sorry for the mess.)

Every Tuesday growing up, we had German sausages and sauerkraut for dinner - my dad's favorite. Since I can remember, my dad has told this joke and never misses a chance telling it till this day:

"You know kids, it's not the sausage that makes you fat, it's the sauce!"

Both my younger sister and l looked at eachother, rolled our eyes and thought - why is he telling this joke every single time.. it doesnt make sense! There is no sauce here! Only fried sausages, sauerkraut and potatoes. In fact, where is the goddamn sauce, we could need it. This dish is dry as shit! My poor mom shrugged her shoulders, seemingly just as confused.

When i was about 11-12, I caught up on my dad's hinting and eye contact after the punch line.. he wanted me to get the joke so bad at this point lol. I had a moment, as they say. Oh... OOHH. BOOM. Omg the "SAUCE"!! From the sausage.. makes some people fat.. as in pregnant.. Mind. Blown.

My sister, around 8 at that time, had a few hundred more sausage dinners to "ketchup" ;) I'm not doing so bad myself, 'ey?

Edit: For the slow people out there, this joke is about sausage=penis, sauce=sperm and getting fat=pregnant. Did you have your moment too?? Admittingly, the joke works better in my native language, but you get the idea.

One day a while back I was at my sisters. I was talking to my niece and I complimented her because, for once, she wasn't being a cunt. You have no idea how much this kid usually deserves a punch in the teeth! As a guide; she once threw the cat down to the landing in the middle of the stairs because she heard cat's always land on their feet and wanted to see if it was true. No, she doesn't have "needs" We had her checked and apparently she is just "seeking attention" (even though she wants for nothing)

Any way... The moment I complimented her she ran off crying. (WTF?!)

A few moments later my sister comes in saying "What the f*ck did you tell her she looked like a cow for?!"

It took a moment but it finally hit me; The last thing I said to her before she ran off...:

"NO! No... I said she was likable... Not like a bull."

Pause...

Laughs all round...

Then one grounded kid.

Doctor: This is the best medicine to treat hemorrhoids. Dad: Well, I don't think they deserve a treat

Source - Pic Abridged version:

A man who dubbed himself Britain's biggest idiot after losing his wife after tattooing a comedy penis on his own leg is hoping to win back her heart by having it lasered off.

Hapless Stuart, 34, of Southsea, Hants, inked the six-and-a-half inch member on his left thigh, so the end pokes out of his boxer shorts.

"After I did it, my wife woke up in the morning screaming, because there was this massive penis poking out of the duvet. And the tattoo on my leg.

"It caused no end of rows, and she's now kicked me out of home. I deserve it, I suppose."

My professor and I were emailing about the final project I had recently submitted when I decided to take the time to thank her for being so helpful. Professors that make classes easier to understand and add a little humor to their lectures deserve all the praise in the world, and mine was no exception to that. This was also my first class that wasn't a general education course, starting me on an MIS degree.

I emailed her saying something along the lines of,

"Thanks for being so helpful throughout the semester, this was my first MIS class and you really gave me the confidence I needed in knowing I was doing it right."

I followed with "Thanks for making this class so interesting, I will be transferring to (insert new college here) to continue earning my MIS degree. I think it's safe to say you influenced my decision to a certain degree. Hah! Certain degree, get it?"

She called me over after next lecture to tell me how bad my pun was while groaning and chuckling. No regrets.

"Philogelos" or "The Laughter Lover" is a collection of 265 ancient Roman jokes, written in the 4th century AD. Some of them feel... very appropriate for this sub:

• A boy caught sight of a deep well on his country-estate, and asked if the water was any good. The farmhands assured him that it was good, and that his own parents used to drink from that well. The boy expressed his amazement: "How long were their necks, if they could drink from something so deep!"

• When a boy was told by someone, "Your beard is now coming in," he went to the rear-entrance and waited for it.

• A boy checked in on the parents of a dead classmate. The father was wailing: "O son, you have left me a cripple!" The mother was crying: "O son, you have taken the light from my eyes!" Later, the boy suggested to his friends: "Well, if he were guilty of all that, he probably deserved to die!"

• A boy came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had 'departed', the intellectual replied: "When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?"

• A boy had been at a wedding-reception. As he was leaving, he said: "What a wonderful ceremony! I pray that your next marriages are as enjoyable as this one."

• A man met his friend in the street, who said: "Congratulations! I hear that you've got a new baby boy!" The man replied: "Indeed, but I'm still trying to find the father!"

• A man saw a eunuch talking with a woman and asked him if she was his wife. When he replied that eunuchs can't have wives, the man asked: "So is she your daughter?"

• A man was being heckled by a friend: "I had your wife, without paying a dime!" The man replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?'

• An incompetent schoolteacher was asked who the mother of Priam was. Not knowing the answer, he said: "Well, I suppose it's polite to call her Ma'am."

• A man, just back from a trip abroad, went to an incompetent fortune-teller. He asked about his family, and the fortune-teller replied: "Everyone is fine, especially your father." When the man objected that his father had been dead for ten years, the reply came: "Ah, then you must have no clue who your real father is!"

• A misogynist paid his last respects at the tomb of his dead wife. When someone asked him, "Who has gone to rest?," he replied: "Me, at last!"

You can find more here and [here](http://publishing.y

This isn't a typical "dadjoke" post so bear with me... I think you'll appreciate the story.

So my wife and I were breaking down some cardboard boxes in front of our almost-3-year-old son. I put my face into one of the boxes as it was being flattened and said to my son "Oh no! My face is being squished!"

My wife was standing behind me so I couldn't see her reaction to my dadjoke. My son chuckled but my wife said, "Oh no!"

I asked her what was wrong and she said, "I rolled my eyes so hard that my contact [lens] went up in my eye!"

I told her she got what she deserved.

I was playing a video game, and the protagonist mutters "I don't remember this place."

Dad: "I don't either!"

Me: "Maybe you should pay attention more!"

Dad: "Eh, Attention doesn't deserve the money."

Major League Baseball fans will get this one.

We stayed at a hotel last night. This morning my dad was putting on his Craig Kimbrel t-shirt. He looked at me when I was wearing my Andrelton Simmons t-shirt.

Dad: "Sorry SigilOfStark, looks like we're twins today."

Me: "No, Dad. We're Braves."

I got a sensible chuckle from him and a well-deserved groan from my mom.

So took this from Not Always Right. I thought it deserved to be here.

Used to be addicted to a certain pasta sauce. Would literally eat it every day, in copious amounts. Gave it up about a year ago because it was super unhealthy.

Went back to the store today and decided to get it again.

I guess I'm back on the sauce.

Told this to a friend and got the "groan" it deserved.