It has zombies for DayZ.
My friend and I we're playing Dayz, and his game froze, so he yelled "Damn it my game is frozen!". I responded with "Maybe you should thaw it."
Edit: Forgot a word.
My gf is on her period. I have been telling her all day period puns and jokes. I am all out and i need your help
A man fancies himself skilled at writing puns, so when a local newspaper offered $5000 to whomever could write the best pun, the man thought he'd make some quick cash. He spent the next day writing puns and picked out the ten best ones to send in to the newspaper. He figured that at least one of the ten he submitted would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
/r/milkpuns is a sub for people that have a field day with puns about milk or cows. Feel free to have a visit!
Maths teacher made this joke the other day: maths puns are the first sine of madness.
Resulted in many groans.
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
He did unspeakable things.
Thank you for the awards. You made my day 😃
"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"
"Why?" the boy replied.
"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"
The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."
He replied: A man is someone who is responsible and takes care of his family.”
Son: I hope one day I grow up to be a man just like Mom!
The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says “I don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, “whatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says “there’s no charge.” Shocked she replies “no really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” “Honestly ma’am”, the mortician says, “it costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”
The bartender comes to him and says 'you look different now, is anything wrong'
Pirate: 'Oh nothing'
'What about your leg, where did it go'
'I boarded a ship, slipped and it got eaten by a shark'
'What about the hook, where did the hand go'
'I lost it in a heated swordfight'
'Then how did you get the eyepatch'
'I was cleaning the deck and a bird pooped in it'
'That doesn't make any sense, how can you get an eyepatch from a bird pooping in your eye'
'It was my first day with the hook'
New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.
Don't know what they were laced with, but I was tripping all day.
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.
I told her she would roux the day.
It took me a few days, but I've managed to come to grips with it.
They didn't like it that I took a few days off.
But the day before is an even sadder day
He sits down, orders a beer, and begins to mull over his day.
After a few minutes he hears a quiet, and high pitched voice say "I like your shirt". He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his drink.
A few sips later he hears the same voice say "You have lovely eyes". He looks around again half expecting to see Alvin the chipmunk, but there is nothing.
After a few more sips, he hears it again, "I bet your parents are real proud of you". Finally he has had enough. He slams his drink down, looks over at the bartender, and says "what the hell is that high pitched voice I am hearing?!"
The bartender looks up and says "Its the peanuts...
They're complimentary."
The man approaches a baker and says "excuse me, do you serve crab cakes here?"
The baker replies "no, we do not."
Saddened, the man lifts up the crab and says "what a shame... it's his cake day."
They decided to call it a day.
A buzz cut!
(Credit to my 7yo daughter, who will be a great dad one day)
even the cake was in tiers.
Edit: Thank you so much guys! I never expected this to reach 10k upvotes! You guys truly made my day.
It's enormous. It seems likes it's been around forever. It is growing every day. It's something that will be passed onto our children and grandchildren.
It’s days are numbered...
Did you hear about the red-headed cookie that broke it’s leg?
Gingersnap
Did you hear about the cookie that quietly laughs at other cookies’ drawings?
Snickerdoodle
Did you hear about the dessert that got cast in the bakery’s reboot of Indiana Jones: The Temple of Doom?
Shortbread
Did you hear about the friends the zombies are making in heaven?
Angel food
Did you hear about the Mushroom Kingdom princess that abdicated the throne to pursue the shoe repair trade?
Peach cobbler
Did you hear about the 49th state in the Union legalizing recreational marijuana?
Baked Alaska
Did you hear about the Bavarian teacher that filled up her blackboard every day?
German chocolate
Did you hear about the hip New York hotspots for citrus fruits?
Lemon bars
Did you hear about the mother's sister that really likes her nieces and nephews?
Fondant
Did you hear about people wagering money on a boxing match in the Arctic between a heavyweight champ and raspberries?
Sherbet
I went on it the other day looking for lighters and it just came up with thousands of matches.
All I did was take a day off.
So imagine you are transexual but suddenly one day you decide to stop being it. Then you are Trans former?
Easter and Valentine's Day are a couple other good cand-y-dates.
For Christmas my dad gave me and my siblings a stocking full of coal. Also in the stocking was stock certificates for coal companies. He wore a well deserved shit eating grin all day.
Present Day.
I haven't tried it, but pretty sure it'll work.
Sausage day!
(I woke up the other day and thought of this joke while lying on bed. I'm pretty proud of it!)
Son at shops the next day: Mum, can we get that box of apples? Mum now pretty confused: why honey? Son: I kinda kicked my football through the doctors window
To get the moist out of the day.
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...
On Columbus day
Saturday and Sunday.
The rest are weak days..
the bartender kicks him out on the daily making it known that they don’t serve ropes in his bar. One day he decides that he may have better luck with a disguise, so he ties himself up in a good tangle and frantically pulls all the fibers apart at both of his cut ends. He walks back into the bar and orders two shots. The bartender says to him, “ Hey...aren’t you that rope I kicked out of here yesterday?”. The rope looks at him confused and says, “ No, I’m a frayed knot”.
What are the best 'ice puns'? Trying to name a project in opposition to U.S. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement, or ICE. Ideas needed. Thx in advance 🙏🏼 Have a punderful day!
Then one day when I was watching my health, he stole my wallet.
I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.
She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"
But they fired me for taking a couple of days off
Green Day!
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
I don't know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.
Hardest day of my life.
