This popped in my head a few days ago. Why did the baker freak out after his latest project?
Because what he made was stolen!
The other day I bought some new pants from France, but when I out them in they kept falling off.
Turns out, they were made in Toulouse.
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...
What did the man say when he got asked out by 10 women in one day?
What transformer is made out of cardboard box and arrives in two days?
I was redoing the fence the other day, pulling all the 4x4s out and putting new ones in...
Sorry, just realized this was a repost.
“Back in the day...” my dad started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well. But today...” he lamented...
“Wherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
I took my son camping the other day. As we prepared I hid in his luggage and when he came over I jumped out and screamed
"Egg-plant" shirt by me. Never got why the vegetable was called that until I found out that they used to be white and look like goose eggs back in the day
A lumberjack was out cutting down trees in the forest one day. He went to swing his axe and the tree screamed "WAIT! I'M A TALKING TREE!!!!"
The lumberjack looked up at the tree and paused saying "well, you may be a talking tree, but I'll see that you die a log!"
Seems a little inappropriate having a strip club across the road from Mini golf in town. I’m a pretty liberal guy but if I’m having a day out with my family the last thing I want to look across the road and see is a bunch of losers playing mini golf.
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote “Ant” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.
You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!
This light in the bathroom at my office has been out for a year. Today it was finally replaced. One might say it was the “highlight” of my day
There is a mysterious body of water where every wave is the same height, only one type of fish is ever caught there, and the tides come in and out at the same time every day.
It’s called the Redundant-Sea.
I was in an accident the other day, rear-ended the car in front. We both pulled over, and a dwarf got out of the other car.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
Salmon are born in a river, swim out to sea for most of their lives, and then one day years later swim back against insurmountable odds to the very spot where they were born.
And I can’t find my car in the parking lot.
My mother has always been a staunch supporter of the LGBT movement. In fact, back in the 80s, she even told me that one day, “out and proud” people would have an entire month of celebration!
Mama said there’d be gays like this!
Happy Pride Month, y’all. :D
I came home the other day and found out that all the bulbs in my house have been stolen...
Two fresh grapes decided to sit together out in the sun one day...
Pretty soon they were raisin kids
After making out with my clone, I kept talking about how in my day, we didn't have sex until marriage.
There I go dating myself again.
For two days in a row, I slipped on the frozen newspaper in front of my doorstep on my way out to work.
I seem to have fallen on hard Times.
Had colonoscopy the other day and laid this one on the doctors while waiting to pass out: I'm gonna put you guys down in my resume as references.
You are the only people who really know me inside out.
A few days ago my next door neighbours glass fell out of the window frame in the living room.
They called a company who came out to replace the glass, it happened again two days later so the company came back again and replaced it.
My neighbour asked why it was happening and the company told him that it was happening a lot in the area, and that a local animal was eating the putty we use to hold the glass in.
My neighbour asked him what kind of animal could possibly do that???
He said yes it’s a cat.....
A putty cat......
A cargo ship hauling produce sank out in the Atlantic the other day.
Did you hear about it? Apparently it had an overabundance of leeks.
I asked a hot contortionist if she'd be free to go out on a date in the next few days
She said she'd love to and she's very flexible
What do you call dinner that's been pulled out of the freezer a day in advance?
If Edward Snowden ever gets a family, I wonder how long it would take him to look out at a winter day and say 'Looks like we're all Snowed In!'
The other day, I was really worn out from work, but I have my family very well-trained in the ways of the Dad Joke
So, I was pretty worn out the other day and was not even close to my A game in terms of coherent conversation, let alone my sense of humor.
At dinner, the kids wanted some yogurt so my wife got up to get it and asked me, "Do you want some yogurt, Baby?"
I paused for a moment to actually decide whether I wanted some and must have made some weird look, because she immediately followed up with, "I know, I know, 'What's a yogurt baby?'"
The Dad Joke is strong in my home even when I'm not there to do the work. That is good news.
My friend after a long day of hanging out: "want to go to Jack in the Box then call it quits?"
Me: "what's wrong with the name it has now?"
Took him a while to get it then he was pissed.
Why did the dog lay out in the sun all day.
He wanted to be a hot dog.
Our neighbors chicken jumped our fence and was hanging out in our backyard most of the day...
GF: Hey! The chicken is on the fence.
Me: On what topic?
It's been too cold to venture out the past few days. I'm not sure if cabin fever is setting in, or if dad's sense of humor has always been this lame.
We were all sitting there watching an Animal Planet special on bird migration (not by choice, the remote died), and after a few minutes apparent contemplation dad let this one loose on us.
"Did you hear about the ornithologist whose expedition was cancelled due to a severe snow storm?
I guess you could say things took an arctic tern for the worst!"
I think I may be booking a seat on the soonest ice floe out of this burg just to get away.
Oh no, he's got me doing it! It's spreading - run, save yourselves!
My teacher asked if a student was out any days in January
I responded "No, he was joeseph ever day in January! "
My teacher isn't too fond of me.
What did the man say when he was asked out by ten women in one day?
“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.”
“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”
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