A list of puns related to "Day Break"
There's a lot of cold turkey to go around.
It's Labor Day.
I'm the main Claus and he's my subordinate Claus.
Poor guy turned to a life of mime.
See you next year.
I'm lack toes intolerant...
....how can you even function ?
I'm Excellent
I work in a funeral home. Today I was having a conversation with my friend and the call failed. I called him back.
"Yea it said call failed, where are you that you have such bad signal?"
"Are you kidding? I'm home- I have great signal! You're the one with the poor reception! Where are you?"
"The funeral home."
"Exactly! That place is a DEAD zone."
groan
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use βWreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internetβ and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) heβs been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyouβs for the kind words and awards.
Because every play has a cast
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘I hear they're good for circulation.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)
-
Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,
Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.
Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.
So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.
Answer these 3 questions in your reply:
Only apply if:
We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:
Don't apply if:
We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.
"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"
"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."
Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."
"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...
Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.
"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.
Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T
... keep reading on reddit β‘A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.
As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.
Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.
Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.
We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."
He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.
Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....
Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.
Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"
Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.
He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."
He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"
Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."
Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.
So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.
He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.
As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.
She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.
This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.
When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.
This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.
The two couldn't be happier!
They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.
One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.
She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.
She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.
A shallot, if you will.
A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.
They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.
The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.
Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.
Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.
He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.
One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.
The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.
She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to
... keep reading on reddit β‘Last night while discussing our options and what could possibly happen, she said "I have such a gut feeling I'm pregnant" and gave me the slyest look I've ever seen.
At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.
One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.
The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.
The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.
In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.
A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.
The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.
After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.
The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."
Recently new mod here, all I ask is that you report ANY posts that break the rules such as; Reposts, posts that are not a pun, NSFW, Etc. With it being reported it makes our jobs easier! Thank you have a great day!
So the hardest part is it has to be uplifting/cute like all the other mothers day cards, can't just be a simple jail/robber pun.
So far I got:
You're ex-cell-ent mom!
I'd break into a maximom security prison for you!
Hope your mothers day is on point! (with a diagram of a shank)
^((But they're kind of trash))
Ideas from others:
Most people have a mother-in-law but I get to have a mother-outlaw! u/tcbst15
With about a murder a day, I think I will break even.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donβt think theyβll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donβt turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
βEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, βThe good news is..itβll feel better when it quits hurting.'β
Whatβs brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
βIβll call you later!β- βPlease donβt do that. Iβve always asked you to call me Dad!β
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
βMy dad literally told me this one last week: βDid you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.ββ
βWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, βNo, just leave it in the carton!ββ
I got so angry the other day when I couldnβt find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book Iβve ever read, Iβd say: βWow, thatβs coincidental.β
Iβm not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build itβs house? Igloos it together.
βMe: βDad, make me a sandwich!β Dad: βPoof, Youβre a sandwich!ββ
βI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
βHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyβre all girls, otherwise theyβd be uncles.β
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth β its pasteurized before you even see it
βWhatβs Forrest Gumpβs password? 1forrest1β
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: βDonβt worry; this is a piece of cake.β I said: βNo, itβs a math problem.β
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I donβt play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iβm just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit β‘After many years of wandering, he finally arrived in a small village in the middle of nowhere. The people there believed in the same religion as he did, but they had no church; they had to go to the nearest one which was in a small town 25 km's from there. The priest took the initiative, asked the Church for support, and with the help of the local men they built their own temple. From there on, he was celebrating the Sunday masses, joining together men and women in Holy Matrimony, and saying prayers at the funerals.
Many years passed by like that.
At the end of an ordinary mass, in early spring, on a chilly Sunday morning he was just guiding the people out of the church, was about to close the gates when an unknown man stepped into the churchyard.
With his dirty and torn clothes, he stood before the priest and said:
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was a good man, and even though he thought the request was a bit strange, he went back to the rectory, took out a lemon, cut it in half, took it back to the man and gave it to him, who looked back to the priest with gratitude. However, the priest was curious. He asked:
Son, why do you need this half of a lemon? - with a fright on his face, and before the priest could have said a thing, he rushed out of the churchyard gate and took off.
A week later, around the same time, when the priest was leaving the church, he found himself in front of the same man in the churchyard. The man said:
Priest, please be good and give me half a lemon! - the priest was surprised by the appearance of the man and his strange request. Of course he was good, went back to the rectory, and brought the half lemon. Placed it in the strangerβs hand and immediately he asked:
Here it is, my dear son, but please tell me why do you need this half a lemon? - the man was obviously frightened and immediately ran away but the priest was not sluggish either and ran after him. He wasnβt in a very good condition, he has never run so much and so fast before so he was out of breath by the end of the village, almost fainted. He thought the strange man might appear again next week, and it would be nice if he could keep up with him, so he spent his week working on his cardio. It turned out to be a good idea, because as he thought, the stranger entered the churchyard on Sunday. The priest didnβt even wait for the request, he was good, and brought the half lemon. He received these words from the man:
Thank you
The I, the R, and the seven C's.
Just had to post something to celebrate breaking 100,000 karma in 10 days less than 7 years as a Redditor.
Thank you everyone!
I put up Punderdome cards on my door every day. Today's cards were too much fun not to share. What else can you come up with?
https://preview.redd.it/fru7gc2epjo21.jpg?width=2160&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=370a3ac0776b86863ed4ec133f9b667ec190566f
Project Run-a-way
America's Next Top Money Launderer
Keeping Up with the Car-Jackings
Naked & Public Exposure
My Solitary Confinement Life
The Real House-arrest Wives
The Great British Breaking & Entering
So You Think You Can Drink & Drive?
America's Got Theft
Pawn(ing Stolen Goods) Stars
Jersey Shore You Should Steal That Car
Who Wants to be an Arrested Felon?
Say Yes to the Drugs
Arson Daily
What else do can you think of?!
So a bus conductor in America was doing his job one day, happily printing and checking tickets all day long, enjoying the country views and feeling good about life.
A young lad gets on, chewing gum and being as loud and rude as all teenage lads are. Thereβs no-one else on the bus, so the conductor takes his ticket machine and bops the lad over the head, killing him. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that theyβre making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.
On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.
He gets his job back and puts the whole incident behind him. Until one day, a little old lady gets on the bus and starts to pay for a ticket in one cent coins. After about 10 minutes of fiddling with change, the conductor runs out of patience and bops the old lady on the head, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that theyβre making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.
On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards arrive to escort him to the chair. As the executioner flicks the switch, nothing happens. All of the equipment is checked and works, but has no effect on the bus conductor. Under the law, this counts as a reprieve and he is released.
After getting his job back again, life seems to go well for the conductor, until one day a young lady gets on the bus, casually putting her feet on the seat opposite. By now, the conductor is a little less lenient than in years gone by, so he takes his ticket machine and bops her over the head with it, killing her. As expected, the Police arrest him. He goes through the legal process, a trial and admits his guilt, however the judge decides that theyβre making an example of him and give him the sentence of death by the electric chair.
On Death row, he requests 5lbs of bananas for his last meal, which is duly brought and consumed. As he finishes, the guards ar
... keep reading on reddit β‘Eight days ago she said, "We're breaking up," the call ended, and it's gone straight to voicemail ever since.
A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...
He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success.
... keep reading on reddit β‘Girlfriends are so fragile these days, because they ... Break up with you.
-Dad, nov. 2017
Thanks Dad.
A director and a costume designer had a disagreement over a critical shot in the horror movie they were filming in their studio.
The director planned to use CGl for a brief but critical reveal-shot of the movie's monster. But the costume designer insisted they use an actual costume instead of CGl.
"CGl makes a movie look cheap these days," she proclaimed.
The two of them continued debating until they began arguing. The stage crew, actors on break, and other people around them began watching until both the costume designer and director were shouting over each other at the top of their lungs. Despite their efforts, nobody could calm them down.
Fearing the incident may lead to blows, one of cameramen called a studio security guard in urgent request. The guard arrived a minute later and made a beeline for the director and costume designer, who were being held back by multiple people on set.
"lt's my movie. l make the decisions!" the director hollered, hoarse and red in the eyes.
"The movie quality will suffer!" the costume designer screamed, hair plastered across her sweaty face.
The security guard stepped in-between them and raised his pistol at the ceiling without a word. They continued to argue around him. There was a bark of gunshot, then nothing but silence and some falling plaster.
"Now see here," the guard said loudly, stepping back to look at the two of them. "Either you two quit your bickering or l'll have to escort you off the premises. You're making a scene."
My grandpa would always tell me this story about his uncles in WWII. "My uncle was actually captured by the Germans and kept in a pow camp. They would try to break the prisoners spirit by making them to mindless things. One in particular they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, 'tick tock tick tock.' My uncle was always a wise guy so he would rebel in the simplest way. He would only go, 'tick tick tick.' One day the guard finally caught him and said, 'don't vorry. Ve have vays of making you tock.'"
Skinny Kid: Wednesday legs?
Dad: Wens-day-gna break?
when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.
One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.
Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on
... keep reading on reddit β‘This is the story of Jack and the Beanstalk, after the story ends. After chopping down the beanstalk, Jack realizes that heβs actually pretty damn good with an axe, and casual vegetative vandalism really struck his fancy, so he began chopping down other trees for a living. He became a traveling woodsman, and he enjoyed many years of his simple life of manual labor.
One day, as he chops wood, he hears screams from a nearby cottage. Hurriedly breaking in (because recall: jack has no problem with entering houses uninvited), he sees a cross dressing lycanthrope attempting to devour a little girl dressed all in red and her little grandmother too. Wielding his trusty axe, Jack murdered yet another fantasy creature, and safely led Little Red all the way back home. Answering the door was a beautiful woman of around his age. After sending Little Red to bed, the two of them talked for hours.
One thing led to another, and a year later they were married with a child on the way. They had a beautiful little boy named Jack Junior who followed in his fatherβs steps to become a woodsman. This was fortunate, because as Junior grew up, Jack was feeling the pain of his previous adventures. An old back injury from jumping from the beanstalk was haunting him, and over time his posture grew more and more hunched. He had a tough time working, but at least Junior was becoming a strapping young man.
One day, Jack and Junior took the long road to the grandmothers place to bring her a meal, just like that fateful trio Red took so many years ago. When they arrived, the grandmother greeted them cheerily, welcoming them in and making conversation. βOh Junior,β she said, βyouβve grown into such a handsome and strong young man. Itβs so kind of you to handle all the work so your poor father, with his bad back and all, doesnβt have to. Why donβt you have a girlfriend yet?β Junior hesitated. βWell Grandma,β he replied. βItβs because... Iβm gayβ. The close-minded, set-in-her-ways grandmaβs expression became stormy. She pulled poor hunched-over Jack into adjacent room, and whispered angrily: βJack, your life is a mess! Your posture is terrible and your son isnβt giving me any grandsons!β Jack replied: βMa, weβre happy, you canβt just-β But she interrupted. βNo excuses!β She snapped. βYou need to straighten your lumbar, Jack!β
OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???
Back in the 90s, I remember playing some N64 after school when my dad came home from work. He comes into the living room and asks me what's up and, as a teen, I say "nuthin" and keep playing while he just stands there. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see he's looking at me with a stupid grin on his face that's he's trying to suppress poorly. Finally, he asks me to pause the game. I turn to him and he asks "You want a Hertz donut?" I obviously know this joke, but to make it worse, he's already making a fist, ready at his side. I roll my eyes and say "No, I do not want a Hertz donut." He just relaxes his hand and says surprised "Oh, you don't? You sure?" I say I'm sure and he says okay and walks back out to his car, leaving me to return to my GoldenEye. A few seconds later, he comes strolling back in the room, with a box of a dozen donuts in his hand, while he's eating one, with the same stupid grin on his face. On the box of donuts, "Dunkin" has been crudely crossed out and Hertz written beneath it in Sharpie marker. He walks into the kitchen saying "Guess you won't be having these Hertz donuts!" I'm in awe. I follow him into the kitchen and he finally relents and lets me take a donut. I ask him "So, you bought these donuts, and just put this joke together on the way home?" He says he thought of the joke earlier in the day at work and had to buy the donuts for the bit. I start laughing hysterically thinking about him sitting at work itching to leave to pull this off. As we sit there, quietly eating these donuts, he breaks the silence with a mouth full of donut, with "Had to stop at CVS to pick up a Sharpie too." I almost choked on the donut jimmies.
TLDR: Dad offered a Hertz donut, should've taken him up on it.
Backstory: Many years ago I was living on my own about 45 minutes away from my parents. I had a stable job but didn't make much money and was broke most of the time. I had an old beat up car that was my only form of transportation. I would always have mechanical issues with the car and finally one morning it decided it wouldn't start no matter what.
I sheepishly had to call in to work and explain the situation and let them know that I would have to take a sick day but would figure some way to get to work the next day. I called my dad and he offered to come pick the car up on his trailer and take it back to his garage to work on it and get it in shape to trade it in.
He drives to my apartment, we get the car on the trailer and we are headed back to his house. The whole ride there I'm pretty pissed off and depressed about the whole situation. I'm worried about finding a new car and how I'm going to afford it and what I'm gonna do if I can't get it running again.
Dad senses my mood and pretty much keeps quiet the whole time. We get about three blocks away from his house and he utters this gem.
"Man, this car won't get off my ass. He's been tailgating me for 45 minutes now."
This was the perfect thing to snap me out of my funk and break the tension. I absolutely lost it. Only a Dad Joke could make me realize how trivial the whole thing was. I have told this joke to others who didn't really think it was that funny, but to me at the time it was the greatest thing ever.
Thanks Dad.
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit β‘My son broke his foot a couple days ago and we were out buying his school supplies and he looks at me and says,
Son: my foot is tired
Me: you should give it a break. πππ but you already tried that.
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"
5/4 of people admit that theyβre bad with fractions.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.
The rotation of earth really makes my day.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that's just nuts
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Iβve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I donβt play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iβm just doing it for kicks.
People donβt like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.
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