"What’s your name, son?"

The principal asked his student. The kid replied, "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."

"Do you have a stutter?" the principal asked.

The student answered, "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk."

πŸ‘︎ 678
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aye_its_soya
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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Peter heard a strange voice

The voice said, in a creepy tone, "It is I, David..."

Peter was scared and looked around, but saw nobody. He started walking, but tried to convince himself he had made up the mysterious voice.

But after a short while, he heard again "It is I, David...", and the voice sounded almost angry now. Peter was now really scared and started running.

After another while, he heard the voice again "It is I, David..." and now Peter was in full panic. He ran as fast as he could, up the hills.

When he was at the top, and looked all around him, seeing nobody, he heard the voice again, now much louder:

"IT IS I, DAVID!"

Peter was tired, scared and panicking, and had a heart attack and died on the spot.

The voice was then heard a final time: "Just kidding. My name is actually Fred"

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dagusiu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2021
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John said to David come forth and you shall win eternal life...

But David came fifth and won a toaster πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TropicalBasil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2021
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Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".

He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"

πŸ‘︎ 28k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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There once was a ship

My mom walks into my room

Mom: David how do you spell Yacht

Me: Y-A-H-T

Mom: isn't there a C in it?

Me: I hope not otherwise it's sunk

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DapperDavidYT
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
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Doctor: Calm down, David. This is a very simple procedure.

Me: I’m not David.

Doctor: I know. I’m David.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
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Doctor: Relax, David. It’s just a small surgery, don’t panic.

Me: my name isn’t David.

Doctor: I know. I’m David.

πŸ‘︎ 950
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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What do you call a magician that fondles his assistants?

David Copafeel

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LiteSarcasm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
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Need help figuring out a pun

My work uses punny names for all its example scenarios. Things like Dustin Dubree, Dora Jarr, Duane Pipes, etc.

One of them is David Jochim and no one in my class of 7 can figure this out.

So it’s either not a pun, or we’re dense.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarcosanAnarchist
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
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My daughter was practicing her flute today, she said at bar 45 she needs to add in a breath mark.

I teared up, after all these years she still doesn't know my name is David.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CamilleViolist
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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What was the last thing the crossed Goliath’s mind before he died

David’s stone

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTombstoneswe
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Ultimate dad joke

If I ever have a son I'm naming him Tom just so I can play space oddity by David bowie in the delivery room during the birth. It's the ultimate dad joke and none of you can stop me

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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A dad's last dad joke.

My friend's dad passed away earlier this year, but pulled off a spectacular dad joke at his funeral. One of the songs he requested was 'here comes the sun' by the beetles...

...to be played as his son approached the front of the church to deliver his speech.

RIP David.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2017
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Fidelity just announced a retirement plan for Rock β€˜n Rollers

It’s called the David Lee Roth.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/demaionewton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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Pun pet names.

Pets I want to have....

An otter name Harry Otter. A snake named Severus Snake. A tortoise named Voldetort. A chicken named Kylo Hen. A dog named Barkamedes. A deer named David Hasselhoof. A turkey named Green Gobbleen. A cat named Captain Ameowrica. A stork named Tony Stork. A pig named Peter Porker. A crocodile named Croctor Strange. A duck named Ducktor Doom. A squid named Abraham Inkin. A goose named Ryan Gooseling. A heron named Charlize Heron. A goat named Selena Goatmez An alpaca named Alpacachino. A carp name Leonardo Di’Carprio. A tuna named Tuna Turner. A horse named Neighlor Swift. A toad named Demi Lavatoad. A Rhino named Ryan Rhinolds. A swan named Swan Jovi. A Falcon named Jimmy Falcon. A ferret named Ferret Faucet. A rabbit named Hoptimus Prime. A cow named Moolissa McCarthy. A crow named Seth Crowgan. A fox named Charlie Fox. A cat named Katy Purry. A wolf named Howly Berry. A hamster named Scarlet Johamster. A parrot named Squakin Phoenix. A duck named DuckleBerry Finn. A canary named Jim Canary. A swarm of bees, all named BeeyoncΓ©. A sheep named Meryl Sheep. An elk named Elkton John. A bear named Teddy Mercury. A ram named Gordon RAMsey. A shark named Fin Diesel. A jellyfish named Jelly Clarkson. An Iguana named Eddie Lizard. A hyena named Hyena Bonham Carter. A penguin named Robird Downey Jr.

a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clixer712
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
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If Jennifer Lopez married a man named Michael and they had a son named David

He would be Michael and J-Lo’s David

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snorklingkid
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
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Bowie and Bing Crosby meet up in heaven…

David Bowie: "You look a bit down in the dumps, Bing. What's wrong?"

Bing Crosby: "my inflatable arsehole needs blown up."

Bowie: "Do you want to borrow my rubber bum pump?"

Bing: "Rubber bum pump?"

Bowie: "Rubber bum pump."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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I told my friend I needed an insect to prove my innocence in court...

He told me to use an Aphid David.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DavetheTurnip
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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My dad was furious when I asked him if he could hand me a bookmark

After 23 years you would think I would learn that his name was actually David.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_science_dude
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Who is a body of water’s favorite musician

David Buoy

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Souplorde
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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Have you had the misfortune of encountering heirs with airs?

Dr. David

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uberbarbi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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A English man, a Scots man and a Irish man...

... walk into a haunted house and see a Β£5 note on a table. The English man walks up to the table and hears a voice "I am the ghost of able Mable and that Β£5 note belongs on that table". He gets scared and runs away. The Irish man approaches the table and hears the same voice " I am the ghost of able Mable and that Β£5 note belongs on that table". He gets scared and runs away as well. The Scots man walks up to the table and hears the same voice " I am the ghost of able Mable and that Β£5 note belongs on that table". He says "I am the son of David Crocket and thatΒ£5 note belongs in my pocket".

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wolfie979
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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Good one, dad :(

"Dad am I adopted?"

"No, you're David. Why would anyone name you 'Adopted'? Even if we wanted to, your name was already 'David' when we adopted you"

πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnsco1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2016
🚨︎ report
Food Name Puns

Hey guys my friend is opening up a new bar and is looking for some food name puns. We were looking for some help from Reddit. Here are some of the names we have so far

  • Happy Grillmore
  • Spaghetti Murphy
  • Lasagnye West
  • Forrest Rump
  • Egg Sheeran
  • David Jafflehoff
  • The Lamb Shank Redemption
  • Beef Me Up Scotty
  • HeisenBurger

Anymore suggestions will be appreciated

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tosswinkle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2014
🚨︎ report
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar

The bartender says, β€œOh my god, David Hasselhoff, this is so amazing!β€œ

David Hasselhoff replies, β€œJust call me Hoff.β€œ

The bartender replies, β€œSure, no hassle, just Hoff.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gabriel_Aurelius
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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What do you call a cheesy EDM producer?

David Feta

Credits : My date

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mskas
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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If Van Halen opened up a soup kitchen...

It should be named David Lee Broth

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dufosho
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2018
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Help with a David Bowie pun?

I would like to combine a Bowie song lyric/title and a business involving cakes and flowers but I am really bad at puns. If I could get some help that would be awesome. I mostly would like the pun to revolve around cake, but if it could include that and flowers that would be amazing.

Also awesome: David Bowie song titles/lyrics that are already applicable (i.e. "Sweet Thing")

I'm super awful at puns so any and all attempts are much appreciated!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_death_at_614
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fort made out off famous life guards?

David castlehoff

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blu_05
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2018
🚨︎ report
The Wong and White wedding

While in high school, Dana White met and fell in love with David Wong. After a few months the couple decided to get married. Dana insisted on getting married at sunset on the ocean on a yacht. The big day finally arrived and both families joined together to head out for the wedding. The captain of the yacht, checked the weather and saw a storm brewing. He advised the party it was not safe to travel out, but Dana and David both insisted they were going to get married on the ocean at sunset, so everyone loaded up and the boat departed. Sure enough just as the captain was performing the ceremony the storm hit, and the boat capsized killing everyone aboard. The next day the head of the the NTSB, Mr. Perry made this statement. It was a stormy night. So many Wong's and Whites. Neither would change their headstrong ways. The sea was in a rage. The captain turned the page. Their dying wasn't worth what they paid.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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NEW!! Celebrity Fun in the Pun candle line!

Chris Pine - Pine scented

Cocoa Chanel - Hot cocoa scented

Beth Crow-ley - Rain, nighttime, and city streets scented

Tom Holly-and - Holly berry scented

JK Row-ling - Lakes and campfire scented

Miley Cypress - Cypress scented

Bob Moss - Forest and moss scented

Juniper Aniston - Juniper scented

Katy Berry - Mixed berry scented

Britney Spearmint - Spearmint scented

Bread Pitt - Bread scented

Tom Cruise - Ocean, salty, alcohol scented

Aurora - Nighttime, wind, whimsical scented

Nicole Kidman - baby powder scented

Justin Beaver - Wood, nature scented

Elvis Parsley - Parsley scented

Steve Cobs - Corn on the cob scented

Banana Montana - Banana scented

Orange Winfrey - Orange scented

Chris Bat - Nighttime, caves, and bats scented

Zoey Salad-ana - Salad, lettuce, leafy greens, tomato, cheese scented

Dwayne the Rock - Mountains, earthy, fresh, crisp, wind scented Jennifer Joe-pez - Nice hot cup o’ joe scented

Chicken Corbin Blue - Chicken and cheese and ham scented

Robert Brownie Jr. - Brownie scented

Sardine-a Gomez - Sardine scented

Daniel Rad-Clif - Clif bar blueberry flavor scented

Leonardo Di-Carp-rio - Fish scented

Halle Berry - Mixed scented

Demi Tomato - Tomato scented

Kevin Bacon - Bacon scented

Mandy S’more - S’mores scented

Mackerel-more - Fish scented

Broccoli Obama - Broccoli scented

WILL.I.SPAM. - Spam scented

Mark Buffalo Wings - Buffalo wing scented

John Lemon - Lemon scented

Shakiramisu - Tiramisu scented

Egg Sheeran - Eggs scented

Benedict Cucumber Patch - Cucumber scented

Adille - Dill scented

Kevin Spicy - Taco scented

Channing Potatum - Potato scented

Melon DeGeneres - Melon scented

Danny Burrito - Burrito scented

Michaelanjello - Red jello scented

Harry Panini - Panini scented

Snoop Hot Dog - Hot dog scented

Paris Hilton - Paris, city of love, generic love perfume scented

Morgan Whipped Cream-in - Whipped cream scented

Mike Fryson - French fry scented

Henry David Thoreaut Lozenge - Cough drop scented

Raisin Williams - Raisin scented

Robert Frosty - Vanilla ice cream scented

Jeff Onion-blum - Onion ring scented

Tom Skittle-ston - Skittles scented

Ralph Waldo M&Mson - Chocolate scented

Malt Whitman - Malt scented

(Friend and I came up with these on the ride down to Boston for a concert, after the β€œI wonder what Chris Pine smells like?” joke was brought up again from a previous time hanging out. I’m particularly proud of Bob Moss and Zoey Salad-ana.)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Minnara
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Despite modern trends, my wife, Christine, took my name when we were married.

I'm still getting used to calling her David.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hommusamongus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
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Bowl Puns

So I had to pack up a bowl at work today and while i was doing so i annoyed my coworkers with every bowl based pun i could think of

"Hey guys, if we put doritos in here would they have a BOWLder flavor"

"If i lost all my hair would I have gone BOWLD"

"we could fill this with rocks and call this a BOWLder"

"I really like the music of David BOWLie"

"we can slide this at some pins and call it BOWLing"

"what if we were sending this back to BOWLing green Kentucky"

"we can fill it with air and call it a BOWLoon"

"I'm just trying to fit in guys, all i wanna do is BOWLong"

"Of course i think you're telling the truth, i guess you can say I BOWLieve you"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skatrumpet07
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2016
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked by a math textbook.

This is just in the middle of a chapter and isn't even acknowledged by the surrounding passages. It's pretty baaad if you ask me. But really, thanks to this picture I will never forget what a shear transformation does.

Textbook is Linear Algebra and Its Applications by David C. Lay, since for some reason I feel like I should probably cite it.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tananda7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2014
🚨︎ report
David Bowie's Culinary Enterprises

David Bowie is reported to be opening a pop-up one time food stand next Saturday in Santa Monica. There will be Gyros, but just for one day.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/george__kaplan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2015
🚨︎ report
When I die...

When I die, I would like my body taken to an ice creamatorium. Then, I would like a traditional sundae service. (credit to David Sedaris)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshTay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2015
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David: I lost my id card

David: I lost my id card

Dad: So i guess i would have to call you Dav from now on

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Praveen_99
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2017
🚨︎ report
One of my students hit me with this today

One of my kids walked up and asked if I wanted to hear a joke, here's how that went.

  • "Mr. tman916x my friend David lost is I.D.! What should we call him?"

  • I don't know, what?

  • "Dave!"

Needless to say I was pretty impressed.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tman916x
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2014
🚨︎ report
What do you call a person floating up and down in a lake?

Bob.

What do you call his cousin who does the same in the ocean?

David....

David Buoy...

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BillJaxon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2017
🚨︎ report

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