Hey daddy- how do you know when a drink is sick?
It becomes cough-y.
-My 11 year son a few moments after I had coffee go down the wrong pipe and had a bit of a coughing fit.
proud dad noises
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
Son: Daddy I can't sleep
Me: Don't worry son, I'll sing you a lullaby.
Me: Hush little baby, don't say a word.
Me: And never mind that noise you heard.
Me: It's just the beasts, under your bed.
Me: In your closet, IN YOUR HEEEEEEAAAAD!
Me: EXIIIITTT LIIIIGGGHHHT!!!! ...... EEENNTTTERRRR NIIIIGGGHHT!!!
taken from dad jokes
Why do girls with daddy issues like guys with dad bods?
They’re just looking for a father figure
My 8yo asks, “Daddy, are we antidisestablishmentarian?”
I answered, “No, no we’re not.”
“Then does that make us disantidisestablishmentarian?”
From my 10-year-old: "Daddy, what has it's bottom at the top?"
"I don't know, bud, what?"
"Your legs."
Well done, kid.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web.
"Daddy, you're swearing much more than usual."
No son!!! You're spending much more time with me. "
4 year-old daughter: Daddy, do you know what I'm going to name this cow from Chick-fil-a?
Moovie!
One man-tear was shed.
Daddy, look! Those turtles are playing piggyback! Son, I was going to wait till you were older for this talk but...
Those are tortoises , not turtles.
Mommy tomato, daddy tomato, and baby tomato were all out for a leisurely Sunday stroll
They walked through the flower gardens at the park. They skimmed stones across the lake. They fed the ducks bread.
It was a perfect Sunday.
Then daddy tomato had a call that his brother was in hospital. Across the road was a bus destined for that very place.
They ran back through the park dodging ducks and tripping on stones and getting tangled in foliage.
Baby tomato was starting to lag a little. So daddy tomato, in a panic, shot glances at the arriving bus and his helpless offspring. He Ran to his son and with all his might squashed him into the pavement with his Dr Martins boots and said
"Ketchup"
My wife asked me to be her Sugar Daddy
I said I can only afford to be your Salt Bae
What did daddy tell you about going thru your siblings' things?
What do you call a chicken with daddy issues?
My four year old: Daddy, what is Alexa scared of?
Me: She's just a robot, I don't think she ever feels fear.
My son: She's scared of getting Alexa-cuted.
"Daddy, is my pony sick?"
"No sweetie, She's just a little horse."
A daddy minnow, a mommy minnow, and two baby minnows went camping...
Four, all in tents and porpoises.
I was driving with my daughter when she suddenly pointed her finger to an orange sign and said “Look Daddy, Road Works Ahead!”
I said “I sure hope it works, or we’ll have to take a longer route!”
Son: “Daddy why is that ‘do not touch’ sign there?”
Dad: “I dunno son, I can’t quite put my finger on it.”
A momma shower and a daddy shower get together....
And that’s how baby showers are made
I’m sure everyone’s heard this one but, it’s still one of my favorites. “Daddy, I’m Thirsty.”
“Hello, Thirsty. I’m Friday, come over Saturday and we’ll have a Sundae.”
(Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun)
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?" Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
What did Mommy Spore & Daddy Spore name their first Baby Boy??
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
I tripped and fell down the steps this morning. My son comes running over asking "Daddy, are you alright?"
I said "No, son. I'm half left."
Daddy, can we play horsie?
Daddy, why do they call your leave a furlong?
Because sweety it's not furshort.
No joke I just miss my dad. Happy fathers day in heaven dad dad daddy-o
4 year old asks, “Daddy can I have milkshakes for breakfast?”
Mommy: No. milkshakes are not for breakfast.
Me: I’ll give you milkshakes for breakfast!
Mommy: why would you offer him that?
4 y/o bounds into the kitchen, excited for milkshakes.
Me: here’s a cup of milk. And here’s some shakes! (Gently shakes 4 y/o)
Groans all around.
My friend Adam was telling me how, in addition to marrying a hot super model whose daddy bought the house he lives in and the car he drives just for marrying his daughter, he was also sexing up a hot stewardess. I found it hard to believe...
Because Adams make up everything!
My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”
I replied with “that’s the point”
Son: Daddy, can you put on my shoes?
Me: I can try but, but I'd don't think they will fit!
What did the daddy grape say to the baby grape?
My daughter asks me all the time “Daddy, can you put my shoes on?”
“No, I don't think they'll fit me.” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says “silly daddy”. She’s 3 :)
I'm gonna start a dating site for people with serious mommy and daddy issues.
I'll call it Oedipal Arrangements.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
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