You are a graduate of accounting and can't even tell when your SO is losing interest... smh
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fabulous_888
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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Soup (I know it’s from Instagram but that’s why I kept the @ of the account in)
πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shabdo_
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
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Apple's latest "idevice" could usher in a new wave of movie and software piracy.

They are calling it the iPatch.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2021
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What is the favorite mode of transportation for accountants?

Tax-is

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Breachx4002
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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Just read an amazing account of a 13th-Century siege.

Just read an amazing account of a 13th-Century siege.

The attackers killed the duke's son, knocking him from the battlements with a peasant's severed head fired from a trebuchet.

It was the first recorded instance of a serf-face-to-heir missile.

From Twitter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WWTSound
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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His account is full of these @scottdropandroll v.redd.it/stz3s13lksh51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pwwafwl6
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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Verbatim account of a conversation with my son at breakfast this morning that makes me feel like I’m dadding well:

Son: β€œI hate crumbs.”

Me: β€œThat’s not cool. Crumbs never did anything to you.”

Son: β€œWell I don’t want to eat them.”

Me: β€œAnd they don’t want to eat you.”

Son: β€œCrumbs can’t eat anything, Dad. They don’t have a mouth and they can’t swallow things inside them.”

Me: β€œWhat if there’s a river of crumbs going into the ocean and a duck lands on them and it’s like quicksand so the duck gets swallowed up at the mouth of the river of crumbs? I’d say it just got eaten.”

Son: β€œAnd I’d say you’re ducking weird.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?

Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can’t rush the progress.

Chrome wasn’t built in a day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/w00dw0rk3r
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
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My cousin is obsessed with Belle Delphine (long)

I’m worried about my cousin. He’s 28 with a good job. Has a lot in common with me (nerdy habits: board games, gaming conventions, anime etc). Unfortunately I have recently learned that he is one of those poor souls obsessed with Belle Delphine. Apparently it started out innocently enough. My cousin is into cosplay. He’s into girls. Ooh, there’s cosplay girls on the internet? What began as a YouTube channel subscription and a few dozen likes on Instagram has progressed into something much more serious. This man is spending money. My cousin’s social media accounts have recently featured pictures of him with his Belle Delphine merch. T-shirts, body pillows, there’s even some kind of bed spread/comforter with her googly-eyed tongue-outy face on it. Did you know that Belle Delphine briefly partnered with Tom’s shoes for a limited edition series of footwear? I knew that, because my cousin won’t shut up about how he bought them all. He’s got at least three jars of dirty bath water and a gaming keyboard with her face on it. It’s really sad. I think the isolation of the pandemic really exacerbated his behavior. He says that he and Belle are destined to be together. For my part, I’m telling him that this isn’t healthy behavior, and I’m encouraging him to seek counseling. I’m convinced he has a mental health issue like Obsessive Love Disorder or Erotomania. Afterall, he does have all of the Simp Toms.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
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Software glitches come free of cost but cost a lot.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-_-STRANGER-_-
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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A company with travelling salespeople had an accounting procedure...

There with a company with a lot of travelling salespeople, and they had an accounting procedure that was somewhat unusual. Since the salespeople were driving around a lot, they had to pay a lot of highway tolls. They would get reimbursed for this. Since these expenses were so common, and different from other expenses, they had a series of ceramic tiles that represented the amount of money they paid to take these highways. At the end of the day, after travelling their routes, they would come back and put them in the cash register and take money out to reimburse themselves. But the highways all raised their rates, and so the salespeople would come back with hands full of their tiles. So one Friday, after raised rates and very busy travel, the boss came in to look at the receptionist and her overloaded cash register. He asked her what was going on, and she said:

"The tall tiles in the till tell a tale of tall tolls"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/glowing-fishSCL
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2021
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When you are in charge of the twitter account during national battery day
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DidrikNL
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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There are historical accounts of Attila and his army seeing strange otherworldly ships hovering over the battlefields.

These were Hun Identified Flying Objects.

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πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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If Post Malone died and his instagram account posted a picture of him to commemorate his death, then Post Malone would be posting a Malone post-Malone.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OystersDryLancers
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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A friend of mine is really good at using comparisons to explain things.

Her name is Ann Alogy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crunchybedsheets
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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We grew up SO POOR I drank Nurse Pepper...

...she was an LPN.

We had a Don't Bother Checking account.

My first pet only had 3 legs, and it was a centipede.

Mom had one bra, and it was a lease.

For breakfast we ate Lieutenant Crunch.

My first spoon was monogrammed though ("1/2 TSP").

We were too poor to even say "awesome." We had to say "awefew."

We sat at the campfire and made S'Lesses.

My pillow only had one side.

Repossession was 9/10 of the law.

Five kids had to share one shoelace, and instead of toenails we grew toe staples.

Our scotch tape was scots-irish.

(I'm allowed)

My first shower came with sound effects and a lightshow.

One year Santa had to bring stockings.

The next year he filled them with nooses.

I did have a jumprope with a rattle on the end. And fangs on the other.

Other kids hunted eggs for Easter but we just died.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PM_YOUR_BLOOMERS
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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I made an account called β€œhalf of all life” just for this pun
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1dioticidiot
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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What is the favorite food of software developers?

Copy-pasta.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/analytik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2017
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The local reptile show had to delay on account of misbehaving lizards.

They had a severe case of a reptile dysfunction.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drjohnson89
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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What kind of music do accountants listen to? reddit.com/r/cleanjokes/c…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/salvatorecreme
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
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I’m an accountant for Hallmark... they throw me out of casinos now because I’m a β€œprofessional card counter”.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/serion15
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
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My grandmother, a very devout member of the Spiritualist church, used to communicate with departed spirits at her congregation. Unfortunately, she passed away last week. By all accounts, it was a peaceful death.

Perhaps she'll be able to tell me herself at the funeral

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boganic-alcoholic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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I work for a software company with a lot of programmers and the bathroom gets pretty messy...

There's way too much log spam.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomwithweather
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2016
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What do you call a joke with which an accountant makes fun of himself?

Self-depreciating.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hans-oberlander
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2016
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The Apple Store was just robbed...

The thieves were easily idefinied from all of the iWitness accounts

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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I let my family down. They dreamed of me becoming an accountant...

had to explain to them I lost interest and decided to become a principle.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirBeefy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2016
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What's the reverse of withdrawing money from your account?

Deopposite

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2014
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What did the accountant say to the man who was filing for bankruptcy after using a lot of payday loans?

There is a lot of interest in your credit history.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zoolilba
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2015
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My dad tried to take the phone from me, saying he could get us a better deal on internet.. I hate this man, lol

He took the phone, and said, in the voice of Freddie Mercury, "Is this the wi-fi? Is this just fantasy?...Caught in a landline, we don't need AT&T.." and then passed the phone back. We already have AT&T, and I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH A FRIEND THAT DOES ACCOUNTING?, NOTHING TO DO WITH SOMEONE CALLING OUR HOUSE. No more Crockpot broccoli and cheese soup using weed butter for him. Good god... I'm almost impressed. We also haven't had a landline in years. God bless this small dog weilding, vaping man.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cracksniffer666
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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Joke I came up with today

So this surgeon always posts pictures of the masks he wears during his surgery on Instagram. He does this every single time he has a surgery, and his nurses can never understand why. Eventually, he garners a massive following on Instagram. So, he goes into his supervisor's room, and he says, "Hello, it's a pleasure to see you". The supervisor says, "To what do I owe the pleasure?" The surgeon says, "Well, my Instagram business is really taking off. I think it would be better for me to quit being a surgeon and focus on Instagram full time". The supervisor thinks he's a little crazy but decides to let him do what he wants. The former surgeon now goes and buys as many masks as he can to sustain his Instagram account. Eventually, he becomes so wealthy that he is able to buy all these lavish things and not have to worry about economic failure. However, one day, he decides to begin posting pictures of medical needles on his Instagram account instead of masks at about the same time that he gets a horrible sickness that is almost always fatal. Because he posts pictures of masks now, his account begins failing, and even though he tries to save it, he's unable. He no longer has any money to treat the illness and is on his deathbed. His entire family is surrounding him, and his father leans in to hug him. As this happens, the ex-surgeon says in a weak voice, "Dad, where did I go wrong?" The dad, with tears in his eyes, seeing what his son has been reduced to and sadly knowing his dear son's death is imminent says, "You post syringe, you lose subscriber"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TwoPolesGaming
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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Some say Chivalry is dead, but I think it’s just sleeping...

...On account of all the good knights.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThineEyeSpies
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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Do you want to hear a mean joke?

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They see a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance to the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, he fires but misses five feet to the left.

The engineer says he forgot to account for the wind, takes the rifle, aims and misses five feet to the right. The statistician claps and says "we got him!".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LGriff13
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
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Got my coworker yesterday.

He was prepping his GRE and I noticed he had a book on word comparisons and grammar, pretty much like those SAT questions in the verbal section. My response after he commented on how reading it has improved his language skills:

"My vocabulary is awful, for lack of a better word."

The resulting groan was glorious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WajorMeasel
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2016
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A daily pun thread

I propose we start a daily competition.

Each day the winner of the pervious days thread provides the word for the day.

Then you lovely lot will go off into reddit and try make the best pun around that word/phrase you can, and link your best result in that days thread. The comment with the most up votes wins for the day. Only one pun per account per day.

Ill start with a relatively easy one: Pun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/biddlyboing
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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A bit of teasing...

100% True story. I was starting a new job at a software company and was talking to one of my coworkers who has many varieties of tea.

Me: That's a lot of tea you got there.

Him: Yeah, I'll let you sample one. Only $50.

Me: But isn't that a little steep?

Edit: Stupid phone formatting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HSLilAce
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
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The Book

My Dad was the worst. And by that, I mean the best. He had a Dad Joke for everything.

I accidently left my wallet in my pants and they went through the wash?

"Don't you know it's illegal to launder money?" He would crack.

We would drive by the cemetery and he would always remark.

"That place is so popular, people are dying to get in"

Many groans were had.

I would ask him, "Dad, where do you get all these awful jokes?" and he looked square in the eye and said.

"Son, on the day you were born - your Grandfather - my father gave me a book. '1001 Dad Jokes' and that where I get them from"

And life continued. Any opportunity to crack wise he would take it. Even when I moved out and got my own place it didn't stop. I had my Dad over to help me repaint the walls from cream to white.

"Boy" He whistled. "This wall sure pales in comparison to that one"

My eyes rolled and he just shrugged. "It's the book!"

He couldn't even help himself at my wedding and broke out a Dad Joke during the toast.

"If this is the toast, where are the eggs?"

"Sorry son, it's the book!" He said with a devilish grin.

So months pass and my wife is in labor at the hospital with our first child. I'm sitting in the waiting room with my dad for support. Suddenly, a nurse comes out beaming with glee.

"Congratulations, sir! It's a girl!"

Me and my dad jump up and whoop for joy, hugging. I can't wait to go in and see my wife and child.

"Wait son" My dad says and pulls a little book out of his jacket pocket. "This is for you"

I look at the little book and sure enough, it's "1001 Dad Jokes"

I tear up instantly.

"I...I.." I stammer.."I'm touched.."

My dad gets the world's biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

"Hi touched...." He pauses for effect.

"I'm Dad"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/extraflux
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2015
🚨︎ report
The Cheerio story

So once upon a time, there was a planet shaped like a cheerio. A small moon made of milk or tied the planet, going through the center of the donut shaped world. On this planet, lived an interesting species. They acted and lived similarly to us humans? But looked just like large Cheerios (with footings hands and feet like miis) Within this society there were levels of Cheerios: original, honey nut, and finally frosted. The originals were the backbone of the economy, doing the herd labor while the honey nuts ran the businesses and the frosted Cheerios (the top of the top) led the world. Our story today focuses on a single Cheerio. Born into an original Cheerio family, this lad learned the hard way how to work. From a young age, he was forced to get a job in the local milk refinery, where his dad worked. He grew up, and soon had a family of his own. His wife, son, and daughter all worked hard, but were happy. One day walking home from school, the kids found a runaway honey nut Cheerio pup, and decided to keep him. It wasn’t much, but it inspired our little Cheerio friend here. One day, he got fed up with taking orders, and demanded a raise. His entire family has worked in this one factory for three generations, and he wanted to move up in the world, not just for him but also his kids. His old boss however, did not have the power to promote this Cheerio, and he was forced to make a life changing decision: he would go to the refinery company and use every penny in the family savings account (under the bed) to try and get a higher position. After waiting on line for over a week, his appoint was finally here. After bickering and bargaining for hours, the refinery company boss saw a spark in this lad’s eye. He agreed to give this Cheerio a promotion to the honored honey nut glaze in exchange for everything this man owned, including the family’s prized honey nut dog. Was it worth it? Well pretty soon he owned his own milk refinery and was able to breed his own honey nut dogs, so yes, yes it was. Owning and operating the refinery went smoothly. Milk was transported from the moon to the planet using space busses, and the milk itself was funneled down to the refineries using large straws. After the milk was ready to drink, it was shipped off to be sold. He was happy working here, but eventually he realized it wasn’t enough. This Cheerio, once a simple original Cheerio wanted to follow the β€œAmerican dream” and do the best he could. He wanted to become a frosted Ch

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackcrackaman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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I'm gonna create open sores software...

...and stay on the bleeding edge of technology. But if you don't like my software, you can suture self.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
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I knew you'd say that (xpost from r/TalesFromRetail)

Posted this on r/Talesfromretail and it was suggested I post here.

I used to work in store where we would ask customers if they had an account number at the check out. The number would be put in manually before putting the shopping through and the customer would get back one penny on every pound they spent.

One day a family who I hadn't seen before came in and while the mum and kids wandered off to start shopping. The dad came over to the side of my till while I was serving customers, announced his account number and then ran off to join his family without saying anything else. OK, that was weird, I went on serving.

About 10 minutes later the family are queued for my till. When it comes to the point where I should ask for their number the dad grins at me and I realise what's going on. Fortunately, I have a bizarrely good memory for numbers and, without skipping a beat, I reel off the one he gave me when he came in the store. The kids both gasp and their eyes go wide. They look at their dad in awe.

As I'm putting through the shopping, I hear the dad say:

>See? I told you they were psychic.

πŸ‘︎ 200
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πŸ‘€︎ u/huskydaisy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Play station username pun

I am creating a new account on my ps3 and i don’t want to be generic in what i choose as i can’t change it after it is created so would it be possible to get some ideas of pun based usernames

And my name is sophie so anything including sophie or soph would be even better x

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vhupc-fcgtc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2018
🚨︎ report
This one is too long for just a title. But, I promise that this really just happened.

I live in South Carolina, sort of near the coast, and Hurricane Florence is headed this way. My two youngest children--total cowards--were helping me clear out all of the storm drains and curb gutters on our street to help the expected 10-20 inches of rain drain as best they can. Any time any insect flies past them, they scream bee and run away screaming. I'm talking like they're afraid of butterflies. My youngest says that Winter is her favorite season because all the bees are dead.

So, we finish up, and I go inside ahead of them, making them put the shovels away, and I hear, from inside, them running and crying/shrieking across the front porch and inside the house.

My youngest, amidst her sobs, says, "It was as big as a baseball" and holds the one I keep on my desk up for comparison.

I think make the B sign in ASL with both of my hands, stand up and say "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" at them while they run away in fear, and when the middle child says, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY" I keep moving towards them with my B hands while saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST LET YOU BEE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

I'm a great dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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I just texted my dad because I found a spider web in my computer

He said "Good, then your software will be bug free."

Bonus pic of said web. I'm open to advice on how to deal with it.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oOWildWeaselOo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2017
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What is the favorite mode of transportation for accountants?

Tax-is.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report

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