Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
Somebody should come up with a name for when the sun goes down
I’m gonna call it a night
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...
"Oh, it's the peanuts.
They're complimentary."
I tripped and fell down the steps this morning. My son comes running over asking "Daddy, are you alright?"
I said "No, son. I'm half left."
I tried to explain to my kids why the ball comes back down when they throw it up
But they don't understand the gravity of the situation
Got sent an email at work today saying the printer had broken down and so someone may have to come out to it.
I tried, and it was flattered, but it just wasn't interested in humans.
The hot air balloon driver is refusing to come down, and the cops are still trying to figure out why.
Everything is still up in the air.
Why couldn’t the farmer get his cows to come down from the hill?
The steaks were too high.
What goes down must come up
That’s why I puked.
I believe the 2020 election will come down to one deciding factor:
which candidate has the best vision.
My dad has come down with a bad case of shingles...
.. which is weird because that usually only affects my roof.
The price of juice has come down
Does that make it rejuiced?
I'm going to write down the first idea that comes to mind and get on a treadmill
And just run with it.
Why does Santa come down the chimney ??
Because it soots him
Dad: Come down here and scrape my car off!
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all my embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
Why does Santa come down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.
