Just watched an episode of 24 where Jack Bauer had to decide to either help the cartel transfer cannabis crystals into the U.S within 24 hours or they would blow up the Gulf Coast states.

...It was Kief or Southernland.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/AquamarineCheetah
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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It used to be free to fill your car tire up with air. Now it coasts 1.50. You know why?


πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ‘€︎ u/HoshForce
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2019
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My Friend is going to a fancy dress party and said he's going to dress up as a small island off the coast of italy...

I said don't be Sicily.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ‘€︎ u/matimo123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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What did Justin Timberlake say when the lead singer of Weezer asked him to name a major peninsula on the northern coast of the Black Sea?

Crimea, Rivers.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/underdog_rox
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
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So I was given the ability to fly the other day, decided to give it a whirl over the pacific. Little did I know how tired I was getting but just in the knick of time I saw a remote location that looked deserted off the coast, so what do I do?


πŸ‘︎ 154
πŸ‘€︎ u/Snaaaaaaaaaake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2017
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Why doesn’t anyone want to live on the West Coast of South America?

Because it’s Chile...

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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What did the Coast Guard say to the hippy?

You're to far out man!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/4abcde
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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To those living on the west coast

Happy Wester!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ‘€︎ u/omart3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2017
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What do you call only listening to West coast rap?

No Biggie.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kiro0613
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2016
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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My friend got REALLY mad at me for punning, advice needed!

My best friend lives on the East Coast. I’m on the West. He often streams his games over Skype so I can hang out and watch. He was playing the Witcher 3, and fighting the water monster men. I said β€œThey just want to know the shape of you,” and he coincidentally died at that moment.

He got really, really mad. I always knew my puns annoyed him a little, but when I was sad, he’d tell dumb puns he’d google to cheer me up. But he just went into a tangent on how much puns annoy him and how he doesn’t get that I keep doing them over and over again every day whenever I talk with him. Trying to stop or cut back on puns would be pretty difficult and make me sad; I love witty wordplay and commentary, and bottling it up feels awful. But apparently it really, really annoys him.

What should I do?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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Every time my wife does or says something stupid...

I tell her to stop being a small island off the South West coast of Italy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/JackIs01
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
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Dad joked my dad.

We went to look at Christmas lights at the Mormon temple, Dad was pulling out of the parking lot.

"Hey theintention, is the coast clear?"

"I don't know dad, we live in Arizona. I can't see the coast from here."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/theintention
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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I embarrassed myself with this one today

Talking to a coworker from Minnesota, while we currently live on the east coast:

"So how was your easter? Or do you guys celebrate midwester out there?"

No laughs, just silence. I think I did well.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrjanuary
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2016
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A man was cursed to have lines everywhere

He went to the border of his city but there was a border line, he went to the coast but there was a coast line, he once asked a girl on a date but there was a date line. They go out on a date and go to a club named β€œhead” but there was a β€œhead” line, after dancing with his date she says she is thirsty, so being a good date he goes to get a her some punch

But there was no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ‘€︎ u/Icantevenread24
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
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Warlord assassination attempt gone terribly wrong.

A navy SEAL sniper was dispatched from a submarine on the coast of Africa with the mission of traveling inland to quietly take out a warlord. His only link to his superiors on the submarine was cellular messaging device. He arrived and had to lay in cover for days. A pride of lions eventually settled around him, making him very nervous. Circumstances then necessitated immediate action so the commander sent the SEAL messages ordering him to clear the area before the strike. Being in the midst of the pride the soldier couldn't move to check his phone. He then perished in the attack.

However, this is not the first person to miss the subtext because they couldn't read between the lions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/possferatu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
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This one is too long for just a title. But, I promise that this really just happened.

I live in South Carolina, sort of near the coast, and Hurricane Florence is headed this way. My two youngest children--total cowards--were helping me clear out all of the storm drains and curb gutters on our street to help the expected 10-20 inches of rain drain as best they can. Any time any insect flies past them, they scream bee and run away screaming. I'm talking like they're afraid of butterflies. My youngest says that Winter is her favorite season because all the bees are dead.

So, we finish up, and I go inside ahead of them, making them put the shovels away, and I hear, from inside, them running and crying/shrieking across the front porch and inside the house.

My youngest, amidst her sobs, says, "It was as big as a baseball" and holds the one I keep on my desk up for comparison.

I think make the B sign in ASL with both of my hands, stand up and say "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" at them while they run away in fear, and when the middle child says, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY" I keep moving towards them with my B hands while saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST LET YOU BEE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

I'm a great dad.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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My wife got me good

So we recently moved from the desert to the coast. The house we moved in to is just up the street from the what we call the bay, everyone else calls the river, but in reality should probably be classified as a sound.

well while exploring the area, we were taking in all the sights and sounds and smells and wildlife. The dialogue went something like this.

me: look at all the trees and birds and seagulls

wife: and bagels

me: .................bagels? where do you see bagels? looks around for truck or store of some kind

wife: the bagels

me: wtf are you......i hate you

Edit: since people don't seem to get it. Baygull

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/otp1144
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2017
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If you make your bed, you might as well sleep in it.

I was asking my parents' permission to go on vacation with my friends at our condo on the coast.

Mom says, "Sure that's fine! That means you get to sleep in the master bedroom for the first time!"

I respond, "Yeah, I probably won't though... I mean that's your bed so I don't think I'd really be... comfortable."

Dad says, "Well then you better not sleep on the kitchen table either!"

πŸ‘︎ 253
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ooklah_the_Punk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2013
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Bill Bryson's dad vs the San Andreas Fault

I went and saw author Bill Bryson speak last night and he told us how his dad used to make the most wonderful puns. I'll paraphrase best I can:

They had traveled from Iowa to California on vacation, and they were driving along the coast. They stopped at an informational plaque at the San Andreas Fault, and his dad walked straight up to the huge crack in the ground and threw a quarter in. When the kids asked why he did that, he simply responded "I've always wanted to be generous to a fault."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2014
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My Dad dropped this one this morning.

I walk downstairs to find my parents sitting at the computer discussing directions to an upcoming family event. Mom: How can Google and Bing give you completely different directions and both are wrong? Dad: That's because one is from the west coast and the other is Chinese. Me: Bing is not a Chinese company. Dad: Sure it is. Bing bong ching.

I... I was not sure how to react to this one.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/drew_do_voodoo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2014
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Dadjoked at the ballpark

I work in Marketing for an east coast MLB team. The other day, we held a "Country Western Night" and had various attractions in and around the stadium that went with the theme. One of these was a 'NASCAR simulator'- which was essentially just a racing game you'd find at any arcade. At the 8th inning, just before closing time, a man walked by with his wife, both sipping beer and watching kids play the game. We were closing after those last two kids, so I asked him if he wanted to play, or if he was just watching. He responded with, "Oh, I'm just watching", gestured with his beer and said, "I don't want to drink and drive anyway".

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/lolarsystem
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
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Trying to improve my dad joke repertoire

After a conversation on the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and antibiotics research: "Why is the best disease research done in cities on the coast? Because they like to See de Sea!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/walkingvigil
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2014
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Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy

I said don’t be Sicilly

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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My friend said to me he wanted to become a small island off the coast of Italy

I said dont be Sicily

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/JRHMUK
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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A man came up to me and said he was going to dress up as an island of the coast of Italy...

...I said "don't be Sicily"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Just_John_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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