Was your waist the 16th president of the United States?
...cause those hips don’t lie
What do you say to The President Of The United States when he leaves abruptly?
for the 4th of july, here's a little known america fact: did you know that as the national bird, there’s a whole list of things that you can’t do to an eagle under federal law?
obviously you can't kill one, but you also can't relocate one from where it's living, cause an eagle nest to come to any harm, and the oddest part, as i'm not sure how they'd even track this, is there's even a bit in the law about infecting them with any communicable diseases?
but i suppose there's really no way around that being ill eagle
What do you call a bee that is from the United States
Murphy's Law states anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Have you heard of Cole's Law?
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?
Did you know there’s a law stating no one living within 5 miles of a cemetery can be buried there?
Now that Donald Trump is no longer President, the United States is experiencing post-nut clarity.
Donald Trump is currently organizing pigeons against the united states government.
What unit of measure do pirates use?
Watt is the unit of power?
News broke today that due to salmonella concerns, there is a national recall on just about every type of onion in the united states...
To be honest, I'm not shedding any tears over it.
My 8 year old sons joke today. What’s a girls favorite unit of measurement?
Yesterday I got kicked out of yoga class.
My instructor said you need to go.
I said namaste
A student baked a loaf of bread for foods class.
At the end of the class, his teacher returned the loaf and told him that he had gotten an A.
The student said: “Thanks, that’s just what I kneaded.”
Which Clash of Clans troop is under 18 years old?
What state in the US drinks the smallest cans of soda?
TIL The 1st United States Volunteer Cavalry, one of three such regiments raised in 1898 for the Spanish–American War, had dogs to go with them...
The were The Ruff Riders.
What was the 16th president of the United States told before the dinner party?
Missouri has the most bordering states (8, tied with tennessee) out of any of the 50 United States of America. You know what they say, Missouri loves company.
My friend tried to ride his horse from Maine to the Southwestern United States for a type of bean but was hit by an older Ford...
My 8 year old has created a new unit of measument...
She just picked up the squeeze ketchup and said, "I only need one fart of ketchup." She gives the bottle a single squeeze and gets her "one fart."
The United States Postal Service got jokes
I decided to stop walking under billboards after one collapsed on top of me.
I took it as a sign from above.
My teen daughter was complaining about life under “Safer at home”. “I can’t see my friends, there’s literally nothing to do that’s not online. Even my classes are online!”
I hear the United States is well stocked for a bird-of-prey flu epidemic...
There are plenty of ill eagle drugs for just such emergency.
What was the name of the vegetable that lived under the sea?
I was lecturing on the criminal law concept of hot pursuit, and I asked there were any questions.
A student asked "what if you're ugly?'
As an old dad, I was befuddled for a moment before asking "did you just tell a dad joke?" She grinned, and I commissioned her as a dad on the spot.
What's the opposite of Manchester United?
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
We need to add three more states to the United States of America
53 states would make it a prime number; One nation, indivisible.
You've heard of Newton's laws, but have you heard of Cole's law?
What Is Roger Federer's Favorite Time Of The Day?
My office space is a cubicle, president of the United States has an oval.
Someone has been cutting corners.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, ..."
"... and one for the road."
If the United States annexed all of Canada and multiplied it’s area by two, what would you get?
Murphy’s law states that if something can go wrong, it will. Cole’s law is mostly cabbage.
My kid’s chemistry teacher was arrested in class yesterday. He was pouring out teaspoons of sodium chloride for each student, but because the class was rowdy, he kept losing his place and having to start over.
The police charged him with multiple counts of a salt.
Last week, a freshman secret service officer stopped an assassination attempt on the president of the United States by screaming “Mickey Mouse”!
When his superior congratulated him for the arrest, he asked “Why did you scream Mickey Mouse?” And the secret serviceman said “I was trying to say Donald Duck!”
Has anyone heard of the recent Cole’s Law?
Some say coleslaw should not have Mayo...
What was the 16th president of the United States told before a dinner party?
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