Christmas Party Puns

On December twelfth.

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.

He drives a mustang and was trying to figure out how to get it in his car.

Friend: “How do I get this thing in my car? It’s almost as tall as I am!”

Me: “Guess you’re just gonna have to angle it.”

Friend and everyone in a 30 foot radius: -groan and facepalm-

Who wouldn't want to go to a Donner party?

He calls it Flex Seal Navidad

Rude elf the red-nosed drunkard

Police Navidad.

And on the way back, my son and I tortillaed through three bags of family size Doritos.

We would have pointed fingers at one another, but they were already in our mouths. Sucky situation, I know.

I turned the car around and said, "Son, now our mission is snackfued."

Salty from our spell of bad luck, we licked our lips and hightailed it back to Walgreens. I sent a MSG to my wife to tell her about the crunch we were in.

Many of our guests had already arrived when we finally returned, holding up our carb-earned trophies.

It was then that my son's friend complimented our modest country estate: "Cool Ranch!"

No one in attendance was under 55 when they dropped this bomb shell on each other:

My Dad: Hey Al, your dog is getting fat.

Al: He's on a sea food diet.

At this point all of the dads there jumped in and in perfect synchronization shouted: "See food and eat it!"

After all, they're in mint condition...

Dad: Did you hear about the new crime wave happening in town?

Everyone: No! What is it?

Dad: People are breaking into houses stealing toilets.

Everyone: Wow, that is so weird. Who would do something like that and why?

Dad: Yeah the cops said they have nothing to go on.

Everyone: UGHHHH

For context, my grandfather recently had eye surgery and now has to have medical drops applied every few hours. Near the end of the party, my grandma says that it was time to "dot his eyes." As soon as that's said, my uncle reminds them not to cross their t's, too.

My uncle opened his gift, revealing a whisk. Stunned, as this is a bit of a strange gift, he looked up to the gift-giver and thanked them.

"Is it everything you whisked for?"

[my parents bickering like a married couple] My mom: don't get snippy! Lance: my hairdresser gets a bit snippy sometimes

Everyone else: good lord that was majestic

My Dad was discussing Black Friday deals with his friend and me.

Me: The entire store was 50% off of everything! Dad's Friend: That sounds like a great deal. Dad: Usually when I go to sales like that I end up coming out half naked.

He's been sober for 9 years, and he's been sick lately. He was joking about the amount and frequency of Nyquil he's been taking.

Me: Gotta go to rehab for your Nyquil addiction now!

Him: Well, I gotta go to hab first.

It was Tuesday night and we were at my work Christmas party when my boss comes to our table. Him: "The Sunday bar is open". Me: "But it's Tuesday". Him: "Look here, we don't need another smart ass. I have that position covered quite well". My mother(who normally is quit witted), "O_o I don't get it". My boss and me: -__-face palm

There was a dog walking around the party and my dad looked at me and said:

What do you think a dog thinks about when it walks around a lot of people like this.....probably something like 'woof woof'

Police Navidad