My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the dime run for President?

Because he kept hearing that people wanted to vote for change.

πŸ‘︎ 738
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but the lightbulb really has to want to change.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/winkelschleifer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Lost one of my AirPods

Now I call the other one Highlander

I’ve since changed the name to:

β€œLance Armstrong’s Testes”

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andrewmathman17
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Hypnosis doesn't actually work...

Change My Mind.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does beer make you have to pee so fast?

It doesn’t have to stop and change color.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hedgehog357
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
In the batcave

Alfred: what can i do for you master Wayne

Bruce Wayne: I have decided to change my name to Bate

Alfred: why master Ba- -_-

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/siddharth_pillai
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I didn’t think brain surgery was ethnical...

But after a successful surgery the Dr changed my mind

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RICKDOGG424
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A German soldier during World War II was embellishing the number of troops he had with him

When the Allies thought it was just him, he claimed there were not 1 but 2. Then he changed his story to 3. Then he said 5, then 8, then 13, and finally 21. When the Allies made it to his position, they discovered that it actually was just him.

Turns out he was a fibber nazi.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BradC
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
To be frank.....

I'd have to change my name. .

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Two prawns were swimming around in the sea

One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn..

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian!!.. πŸ€ͺ🀣

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I got myself a universal remote control

And man, it changes everything.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LMF5000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Field Dressing

Hey guys, relatively new dad here. Pretty proud of myself because this came naturally. My 7 mo daughter, wife and I were hiking yesterday. My daughter was strapped to the front of me, and she started to stink. We found a field to lay her on her changing mat and change her diaper. She had a complete explosion so it required an outfit change. I looked up at my wife and said β€œlooks like I’ll be performing a field dressing”. Corny af I know, but it made my wife laugh πŸ˜†!

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ty_diesel_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are cemeteries always so full?

high density cities have higher growth rates than can keep up with changing land use needs

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Poortio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to disagree with organ transplants...

...but I've had a change of heart.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are weathermen always rich?

There is always change in the weather

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SirSunDowner
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Every day I give a few cents to charity.

I like making small change.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Emu_on_the_Loose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese, and make America grate again.

also in the news:

Patients who have died or been admitted to intensive care with Covid-19 have been found to be deficient in a vitamin found in spinach, eggs, and hard and blue cheeses, raising hopes that dietary change might be one part of the answer to combating the disease.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
This time of year we switch out our old decorative squash for a new one -

It's the traditional changing of the gourd.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.

They’re changing their name to Knockers.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phishstepper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I decided to have a brain transplant.

Then I changed my mind.

πŸ‘︎ 191
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hang-me-im-guilty
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy told me to keep the change

I dunno, it didn't make much cents to me. I already keep the change I made; I've been the same way for years.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SeanTheBermanator
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad Tells Time With His Hat

My dad worked in construction for most of his life, and because he worked with his hands, he sacrificed many watches. But if you don't have a watch, how are you to tell time? My dad has a great sense of humor and is always thinking of new ways to do things to make them more practical or thinking of ways to change things to make them work better for him. So after spending way too much money on a heavy duty watch that inevitably broke on him, he came up with a better solution.

He used the working part of a clock and stuck it on the inside rim of his hat, so if he wanted to know what the time was, he just had to look up. Simple. And the way his hat was, you couldn't see the clock when looking at him unless you were underneath him and looking up.

And then came the funny part. Every time he was asked what time it was, he would look up at the sun, scan the horizon, pretend to do a math equation in his head, and tell them the exact time down to the minute. I've witnessed him doing this a few times but never gave it away. The look of surprise and confusion this gave people was priceless.

My dad had done other funny things like this, but this was by far the funniest.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fredzred
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I wasn't originally planning to get a brain transplant

But then I changed my mind

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw the post about not wanting 2020 to end as it would mean that 2021...

but I am just worried that two years later, nothing will change and it will be still be the same as 2022...

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AesSedai99
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My piggy bank is getting super old...

I may have to change it out.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/poiuy03
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend likes to convert all of his dollars into quarters.

He's changed a lot.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend said, β€œI’m sick of it. You are always pretending to be a Transformer!”

I said, β€œBut wait, I can change!”

πŸ‘︎ 296
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been robbed!

To the musician who stole my change. I'd like my Nickel back.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CMDR_Lamouge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
🚨︎ report
The Monk and The Cow

A monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, the river flows with a breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. The monk exhales "Ooooomm". He repeats this until a noise, very faint, breaks his chant.

"moo."

The monk stops for a moment but, without changing his position, dismisses it. "Ooooooommm." He begins again.

He's interrupted again, "moooo."

The monk turns to find a cow looking up at him from the bottom of the hill. "Kind cow," the monk says, "please do not interrupt my meditation."

The cow stares blankly back at the monk. The monk sighs and continues.

"Oooooommmm-"

Even louder, "Mmmooooooooo."

"Dear cow, I must reach enlightenment. Please, refrain from making your cow noises or find another hill."

The monk continues again, "Oooooooommmm-"

"MMMmmoooooooooooO!" The cow exclaims.

The monk stands up angrily, "Cow! Why must you interrupt my chanting?"

The cow replies, "Because you're saying it backwards!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/baconbuddy95
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the chivalrous driver cause a car crash?

He didn't look at the light as it was changing.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Snugl-v203
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at β€œThe CafΓ©,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: β€œParking now, be there in 5.”

β€œDad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, β€œDad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The CafΓ©.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

β€œHello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. β€œI can’t believe it’s been so long!”

β€œYeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. β€œToo long!”

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sullyrr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G.

Change my mind.

πŸ‘︎ 161
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jacobwyc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The Letdown

A high schooler wants to ask his best female friend to prom. Because they’ve been friends for so long, he really wants to make his β€œpromposal” special. He talks to his friends, he talks to her friends, and spends days planning the perfect moment. Happily, she says yes!

Over the next couple of months, she sends him different styles and colors of ideas for her dress. He tells honestly that she’s always been beautiful to him, and privately to himself, he is now realizing he has strong feelings for her. He knows he needs to tell her.

The night of the prom, he’s extremely anxious. What if he says something stupid? What if she laughs at him or doesn’t return his feelings? What if she thinks he’s a terrible dancer? All of these thoughts are swirling around in his mind as both their parents fuss over them and make them pose for a million photos.

They get to the prom and he’s even more anxious. It’s dark, it’s loud, it’s crowded. They have to shout to be heard. But she grabs his hand, leads him to the dance floor, and they forget everything and everyone around them. A while later, as the songs have gotten slower, he can feel his heart pounding. He thinks it’s finally the right time. He leans down and whispers the truth in her ear, the truth about having loved her since they met in second grade. She starts to cry happy tears, saying she’s always loved him too, and they kiss. As the song ends and changes to something fast again, he asks her if she’d like to sit and have a drink. She says yes, could he please get her some punch?

He feels like he’s walking on clouds as he goes over to where the drinks and food are laid out. He wants to get back to her right away and hopes he doesn’t have to wait too long at the refreshments table.

He makes his way through the crowd, and is able to get their drinks and return to his waiting love within just a couple of minutes. Because, would you believe it?

There was no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What happened when Sting retired?

He changed his name to Stung.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Musicferret
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
An electrician, a mecanician and an informatician are making a roadtrip

They're in a car in the middle of nowhere. Suddenly, the car starts making noise and stops completely.

The electrician quickly says: it must be the spark plugs! I will take a look and change them.

The mecanician responds : no it's the transmission! I gotta jack the car and make sure the clutch is ok.

The informatician confidently asks: what if we just get out of the car and come right back in?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DaWitcher1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a snake thats 355/113 meters long?

A Ο€-thon

not sure if original or not. I changed the joke to make the fraction instead of a decimal

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theenderkitty1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought about dressing up as a plank of wood for halloween

I changed my mind because i would get board quickly.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Uglyoldbob
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Everything was fine until I got a universal remote

It changed everything

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AshamedTurtwig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a teacher make?

A little change.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AbeebC-137
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going to get a head transplant

But I changed my mind

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Luxara-VI
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I didn't want to have a brain surgery

But the neurosurgeon changed my mind

πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Phlegmaticguy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don’t look, I’m about to change

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant...

...but then I changed my mind.

πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TopDawg117
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I wasn't originally planning on getting a brain transplant

But then I changed my mind

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report

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