Caught my kids throwing sticks of butter up in the air in our backyard.
They said they wanted to see butterflies!
"I must say, you are the better than every other applicant we've spoken to so far," said the man at the end of my interview.
"Thanks," I smiled, leaving the room.
Then he poked his head out of the door and said, "OK, would the second candidate like to come in?"
My friend keeps saying “Cheer up, man. It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Edit: Wow. Thanks for the awards, kind Reddit strangers!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I asked my kids if they could come up with a word that had 3 letters of the alphabet in a row?
If you sin 90 times, you'll only get caught 50% of times
I've spent all morning trying to think of a quality pun, just to come up with THIS otter rubbish.
The teacher caught me stirring up trouble in chemistry class...
...so she sent me home with a colloidal suspension.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
BREAKING: Man caught painting at Comic Con arrested on suspicion of being a con artist.
I was working in my shop, when one of the cashier came up to me and said, "These 2 guys came in and tried to give me some fake $100 dollar bills."
"What did they look like?" I asked
He said, "$100 bills."
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up
As one of the biggest fruit farmers in the country, I owe all of my success to my dear dad. I grew up as a kid who was scared of everything, and my dad always told me to
What did the Italian dad say when his family asked him what type of eel he caught on vacation.
I got caught up in a Fire Ant's Nest....
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
My wife woke me up in the middle of the night
She whispered in my ear, "our children are asleep do what you want"
I then went back to sleep
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution.
I once caught a criminal in the midst of stealing some luggage.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record
Two men went fishing one day. They sat in the boat all day, drinking beer and trying different baits. But they caught nothing worth writing home to mom about. So at the end of the day as they were loading up their boat, the first fisherman, whom I'll call John said,
"I bet I reeled in a lot of the redditors looking for a punchline, eh?"
The other fisherman said, "yeah, the reel joke is usually in the comments!"
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?" The worker explained…
How do you track Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints!
I saw a guy refusing to put on a mask. Then i caught the same guy shoplifting.
I said "You should be ashamed. That's bare-faced robbery!"
The painters wife caught him cheating...
I need someone to repair the stone wall in the front of my house, but I don’t have a lot of money.
Incidentally, Free Masons are not what they sound like.
There's a group of sharks that like to meet up in secret. I'd tell you more but...
The first rule of bite club is do not talk about bite club.
People in Athens hate getting up early.
Because Dawn is tough on Greece!
My cousin has a crippling, irrational, fear of being beaten up by Mexicans.
….so his doctor gave him medication for Hispanic attacks.
A rather distraught man walked up to me in the park.
"Hello mister," he said, "you wouldn't have seen my wife's dog running by, would you? Big fat thing with pointy ears and a slobbery mouth."
"Can't say I have," I replied. "And your wife sounds very ugly."
Why did the Mexican man end up in the emergency room?
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
My GF dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest under the suspicion that I was good in bed c
After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
In a world where people with superpowers make up 1% of the world population, people with two make up 1% of that 1%. These people born with two superhuman abilities are called squares.
Squares are raised to a second power.
I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a major scandal
I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out....
After Simon & Garfunkel split up, they considered changing the name of one of their most popular songs
to “Parsley, Sage, and Rosemary” because they just needed some Thyme apart.
A nun was caught embezzling funds from the school she worked at
Her regrets - nun.
Let's hope she doesn't keep this habit.
I was caught cheating in a big tongue-twister tournament
The judge is bound to give me a tough sentence
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
I’ve come up with a new word for when you remove your bra at the end of the day: Gravititty
I just came up with the greatest cliffhanger
What's the opposite of stand up comedy ?
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up man, it could be worse. You could stuck underground in a hole full of water
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good ,but I liked the execution
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