What do you call someone who commits a murder with a deck of cards that only has clubs, spades, and diamonds?

Heartless

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lego_luke
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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I occasionally read tarot cards, with decent accuracy. Because of my weight and ability many call me a fat psychic.

I prefer the term β€œfour-chin tellerβ€œ.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zuckerschneggle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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What do you called a vegetable-based fortune telling card?

A carrot card

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blaitmun
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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What do you call a woman who sets fire to her credit card?

Bernadette

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CD9653
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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I called the casino to ask why the used card decks I ordered were still undelivered.

They assured me they were dealing with it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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What do you call an online greeting card w a moving image?

A GIF card

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhobicCarrot
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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What do you call a deck of cards with nothing to do?

Cardbored

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xenoraiser
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2016
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A store's membership card is called Inspire

Everytime the cashier asks if I have one I reply that it expired!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Atothinath
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2017
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What do you call a Catholic's card-playing organ?

The holy euchre wrist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zombie-narwhals
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
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I ordered some Yugioh cards from a store called Alternate Universes...

My dad saw the envelope and said "Alternate Universes? That postage must have been really expensive!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kona_worldwaker
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2015
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What do you call a thank you card that won't move?

Stationary.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OPDidntDeliver
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2014
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My friend has been learning magic as a quarantine hobby. I present to you: my oc list of magician jokes and puns I invented to annoy him.

Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat

What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?

Whose dean’s he?

A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:

β€œAb rack and dab rack”

What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?

Slight of hand

The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He brought her down an aisle, found a section marked β€œbirthday,” and said:

β€œPick a card, any card”

The Russian magician, in 1932, found an amazing new piece for his act: a giant, wooden sarcophagus in the shape of a beautiful woman. The piece had giant, metal blades inside at waist level. They were locked in place while it was open, but retracted as it closed, making it seem as though the magician had escaped death. But one day, while he was practicing, the great sarcophagus fell over - door still open - right on the magician. When he was found, he was cut right in two. Moral of the story:

In Soviet Russia, box woman saws you.

Okay that’s it. I’m so sorry, I have nothing better to do.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nsk09003
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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I used to know a cat burglar named Carl.

Carl had this calling card of his. When he was nearly done burgling a house, he would put a brick inside the victim's washing machine, and switch it on. The washing machine would destroy itself, and the owners would know that the perpetrator could only be Carl.

Carl's number eventually came up, when he burgled a house with three savage guard dogs. They put an end to his burglary career.

I guess you could say, washing machines live longer with Carl gone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wonder Woman"

Nothing

Clown asks: "Have you heard of the baseball team the Chicago Hot Dogs? They are the wurst"

Doesn't crack a smile

Clown asks: "Why was the alcoholic so annoying? He wined too much"

Clown starts to get nervous

Clown asks: "The disinterested hockey player got a penalty. What was it? Boarding"

Blank look

Clown asks: "What is a nun's favorite card game? Old Maid"

Yawn

Clown asks: "How do crustaceans celebrate birthdays? With crab cakes"

Annoyed

Clown asks: "What do you call a champion deer? A Win-doe"

grasping at straws

Finally Clown asks: "How do sheep sleep when they have nightmares? Baaaaadly"

He never laughs. Clown gives him his $100 and asks "Did any of my jokes make you laugh?"

Man says "No pun-in-ten-did"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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The Joke that caused my dad to be "randomly selected for a drug test" at work.

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.

LN: What was in it?

Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...

LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.

LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..

LN: mmhmm

Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.

LN: What did he tell you to do?!

Dad: Call a tow truck.

LN: ....what?

Dad: Get it, toe truck?!

LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.

DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.

Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heythereanny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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Overheard an old man say this to a cashier

I was at an Amish buffet this summer and I was getting ready to pay up at the register when I heard this man say:

Man -"Do you take credit cards here?" Cashier - "We do" Man - "Do you give them back? "

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2014
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I messed up while playing cards and played a single J instead of waiting to play a 9 10 J.

I wasn’t thinking straight.

(Explanation) In cards a string of numbers in a row is called a β€œstraight” and so by not thinking straight, I am both being confused and making poor decisions, and am also not thinking about the card combination of the same name.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Son_of_Carr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
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I lost my wallet...

It turned up this morning when I opened up the washing machine. Everything inside (cash, credit card, driver's license) was soaking wet.

Dad: "I'm calling the police."

Me: "Why would you do that?"

Dad: "You're guilty of laundering money."

ahh...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gudea_of_Lagash
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2013
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The award for the best dadjokes 2018 goes to...

… u/ebkbk for this post: Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian. made on 24.11. with 38.9k upvotes

[also already made by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes]

Let's move on to the top 3 of each month:

January:

  1. Is this sub still active? by u/I_Fart_Liquids on 01.01. with 36.4k upvotes

  2. Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine by u/daugarten on 20.01. with 30.8k upvotes

  3. An open letter to the mods of r/dadjokes: by u/Alfie_13 on 27.01. with 18.9k upvotes

February:

  1. Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. by u/jakeisbill on 05.02. for 20.3k upvotes

  2. My daughter asked me what I'm posting on Reddit... by u/madazzahatter on 25.02. for 18.3k upvotes

  3. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding. by u/ownworldman on 23.02. for 17.7k upvotes

March:

  1. I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought... by u/madazzahatter on 21.03. for 22.2k upvotes

  2. Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. by u/Tface on 25.03. for 16.9k upvotes.

  3. [When I reach home, my 1.5 y.o. son rushes out to the gate to sit in my lap while I park the car. Then he just grabs the steering and starts shaking it with brrrmmm brrrmmm sound. His cute antics always make me forget that he's suffering from a rare disease.](https://www.reddit.com/r/da

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skormes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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David: I lost my id card

David: I lost my id card

Dad: So i guess i would have to call you Dav from now on

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Praveen_99
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2017
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Got dadjoked at a restaurant today.

I ordered some ribs for pickup from a little place kind of in the middle of nowhere of the west suburbs of Chicago. When I called my order in I forgot that I needed to ask if they accept credit cards because I rarely carry cash. I got to the the place and I thought that they might only take cash so I asked the guy who looked like he was the owner if they took credit cards. He responded by saying that did and that they even give them back occasionally.

I told him he dadjoked me and we had some banter about what it feels like when you realize that you have become just like your own dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Walks500Miles
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2014
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Whot!

This one requires a little backstory:

There's a cardgame called WHOT! It's just uno but with different shapes. Me and my dad used to play it a lot.

Unfortunately it's led to the same terrible joke being made repeatedly over the last 10 years or so. It goes something like this:

Dad: "You'll never guess what film's on tv tonight."

Me: "What?"

Dad: "No, I don't think they made a movie out of that. It's a card game."

It's literally been going on for over a decade now and it pains me deep inside my soul every time he says it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigontheinside
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2013
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70 years old and he's still got it

Decided to join my parents for dinner when my mother tells me she found my debit card in the washing machine. My dad says "you better watch out, you might get a call from the bank for money laundering"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mathmistress
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2015
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Barack Obama as a Magic Card

Dad: If Barack Obama were on a Magic card, what would it be called?

Son: ...

Dad: Black POTUS

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nieltown
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2016
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Stepdad just got my younger sister

While stapling tags with bracelets on them to cards for Valentine's Day, my 10-year old sister called into the kitchen to say, "I'm only stapling the ones that fit, Daddy!"

To which he replied, "None of 'em fit Daddy."

She looked at me and grimaced.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TackleMeElmo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2015
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Dadjoked my dad while playing cards

Playing a game called Hand and Foot where you have a group of cards called your foot.

Dad "Are you on your foot yet?

Me "No I'm on my chair"

Dad [unamused] "Well get on your foot"

Me stands up on 1 foot

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tdkreturns
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2014
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