yeah, big time dad
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Banoooooooo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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Big brain time
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PENTOVILLIANKING
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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Yeah this is big brain time
πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHyperthetical
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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Big Brain Time Alert
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Soda_Monster
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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What kind of bed time stories does the big bad wolf tell his kids?

Hairy Tails!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaphpath
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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Big brain time
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joker-here
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
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This is big brain time
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Captainspookle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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Apparently my dog thinks dinner time is just a big EDM concert

He sits there, his pupils getting bigger and bigger, just waiting for the drop.

πŸ‘︎ 489
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Derptron5K
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2017
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One time I got frostbite on my big toe. They were able to save the toe and not amputate...

I just barely stayed out of the "toe-away" zone.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Time square messed up big time.

They dropped the ball again last night

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/therealtechnird
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2018
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i'm practicing for when i hit the big time...

girlfriends cat ate about 5" of the string to tie off one of her dresses, it was partway out of the cats rear end when she got home from work- saw it- called vet- was told to take her to the local animal hospital.

So we get there and shes explaining to the receptionist what happened, I dropped them with a "we're just in knots about it", and during the wait with a "sophia's (the cat) really stringing us along with this one". My favorite was with the doctor when she finally brought the cat out saying she seems ok to take home- "well all set then? no strings attached?"

πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggs-benedict
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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The Times Square event organizers have a big night ahead of them...

Hope they don't drop the ball...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/prosciuttolover
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2017
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Went out for Dad's birthday last night, he set me up big time...

He asked the waitress what beers were on tap, which included Blue Moon and Sam Adams seasonal. He said "it's not a special occasion, so I'll have the Sam seasonal." After the waitress left, I asked, it's your birthday, what special occasion do you mean? He said "I only have it once in a blue moon."

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2014
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Every time we pass big stacks of hay in the car...

As loud as possible: "HEY!"

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/quesocaliente
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2013
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My wife rang me at the pub and said, β€œIf you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.

I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Mernards. Sorry if this is a repost
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RagefulRobin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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What’s better than a Dad bod?

A father figure.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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Why did the riot cop leave for work early?

To beat the crowd.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisrus65
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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You know what they say about hindsight!
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rejectedtuna
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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My wife said to me: ''Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?''

So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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Is my friend good enough for the big leagues (for puns)?
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/misspygmy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
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A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.

The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."

πŸ‘︎ 443
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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An Irishman finds a genie

All offenses aside, I’m originally from Britain and we make fun of the Irish ALL the time.

So an Irishman stumbles upon a genie’s lamp and says to himself β€œooh laddy what have we found here? I tink I’ll give it a rub to see if a genie appears!”

So he does, and lo, a puff of blue smoke comes pouring out of the spout, billows into the air and the genie’s form becomes solid. It speaks, β€œOh master of the lamp, I am your genie and I grant you three wishes.”

The Irishman’s eyes are wide open with glee, his cheeks and nose red with fire, he shouts β€œtree wishes?! That’s just brilliant!” For me first wish, I’ll have a bottle of whiskey that never runs dry.”

The genie, eyes rolling, clicks his fingers and POOF a nice big bottle of whiskey appears before the Irishman. β€œWell I tink we’ll have to put this to the test!” He snatches up the bottle, takes a long healthy swig, glug glug glug, and the bottle pops as he releases it from his lips, β€œAhhhhhhhh!!!” And to his amazement as soon as the liquid in the bottle settled, it gave a large burping β€œbulp!”, released a large bubble, and when the bubble popped the bottle was full again. β€œWELL I’LL BE! THAT’S THE MOST INCREDIBLE TING!”

The genie, steadfastly unimpressed, reminded the Irishman β€œMaster, I will bring you fortune, splendor, reputation, treasures beyond any imagination. You have two wishes remaining. What would master want for a wish?”

The Irishman looks to the genie and says β€œoh tat’s easy! I’ll have two more of these!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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The biggest red flag
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zachattack15782
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
The work on Big Ben is meant to take 3 years.

That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrfantastic123r
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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Start of a rocky relationship
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyeyamstewpig
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."

The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.

Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."

Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."

The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,

"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."

πŸ‘︎ 216
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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They say you can identify a tree by its bark, but this one has me stumped.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bladingbeckie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
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Thermite be another way to crack this safe.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supguyyo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
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The best way to get dad joked:

I know it's been done before, and many a dad before me and many a dad after me will get to experience this, but in these dark times this was a ray of light that pierced me right to the core with joy.

I came home, and my bright and bubbly ballerina 6 year old runs up and says can I have a hug!?

She asks very tentatively because she knows I have been out all day and the routine is for me to grab a shower (COVID) before I let them get all over me.

So I say, not yet I'm dirty.

She says awww... then she turns to walk away, but then spins back around and looks at me dead in the eye and says:

Hi! um...

wait a sec,

um, I know um,

um, wait.... dir...

[Face beams the biggest smile of accomplishment]

Hi Dirty! I'm [daughter]!

I know we have those proud moments when they turn, but man her delivery, the awkwardness, and the sheer pride she beamed out when she realized she just pulled the reverse dad joke on me...

It's not the getting reverse dad'd, it's the joy and pride she had... she could have just graduated college, and that's how big her beaming smile was right then...

It's a memory I am going to keep and it really lit up this dark time.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leyline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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I’m reading a horror story in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
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Big paws.
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chadohawk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
🚨︎ report
A young man was walking through town when he came across a fishing supply store.

His father had never taught him to fish, and he always wanted to give it a shot. He glanced in the window and saw a beautiful new fishing rod on sale for 10% off. After a moment of contemplation, he turned and headed home, quickly forgetting about the fishing rod.

The next day he walked by again and paused, taking another glance in the window. The fishing rod was still there, only it was 30% off now. He took a few minutes to think it over, but decided against it. He hurried along his way.

The next day, he couldn’t get the idea of sitting on the lake fishing out of his mind. He made up an excuse to walk by the store again, and he peered through the big glass window to see the fishing rod still there, only this time it was 60% off. What a deal! The young man decided he would buy some gear and finally learn how to fish. With a newfound excitement in his step, he opened the door and walked into the store. He made a beeline for the fishing rod, eager to get a feel for it in his hands.

Out of nowhere, the store clerk grabbed him from behind and wrestled him to the ground. Shouts and fighting ensued, until the young man finally broke free and stood up, ready to defend himself against another attack. β€œWhat in the world are you doing?!?” the young man asked, still trying to catch his breath.

The store clerk motioned to the blinking sign above the door that read, β€œBait and Tackle”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/he_who_dared
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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I was Diagnosed with chronic fear of Giants

FeeFiphobia

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2019
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At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, β€œWhat exactly happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, β€œSorry. No time.”

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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Long story about a tragedy that once happened to me.

A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the porch out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.

Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend

Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.

In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mickerallen100
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I finally got to cash in on a joke today that I’ve been looking for a reason to use for years

Background: My family was at the lake today. The lake was a little choppy today so when we went on the boat we hit one really big wave where the front end of the boat came crashing down hard. My nephew (7) just happened to be sitting on a cup holder and it hurt his butt when we landed.

We got back to the house and my nephew said...

Nephew: my butt hurts. I think its broken.

Me: did I ever tell you about the time I broke my butt?

Nephew: no. Is it still broken?

Me: yeah. There’s a big crack in it still.

He didn’t get it. But all the other adults laughed/rolled their eyes. Stupid joke I know, but I don’t care.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LostPin
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but you're a rope. I can't serve you, and I'm not even sure how I could. Please leave."

A short time later, the rope comes back into the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender, a bit annoyed at the situation, says, "Look, I told you I can't serve you. Just go away."

A few hours later, the rope comes back in again.

The bartender is getting mad now. "Look, I told you twice that I can't serve alcohol to a rope! Now get out and STAY OUT!"

Dejectedly, the rope leaves the bar and sits at the curb until a gentleman passes by. Suddenly, the piece of rope has an idea.

"Excuse me", says the rope, "but could you do me a favor?"

"Um... me?" says the puzzled gentleman. "Uh... I guess so..."

"Great! I just need you to tie a big ol' knot right in my middle."

"Well," says the gentleman. "I just so happens I was a former Eagle Scout. Here you go," and ties a perfect knot in the rope. "Will that be all?"

The rope pauses for a second and says, "Actually, could you pull apart my ends and unravel them for a bit?"

The gentleman obliges and goes on his merry way. The piece of rope, satisfied at its new appearance, heads back into the bar.

Furious, the bartender shouts, "HEY! Aren't you that same piece of rope I kicked out three times already?!?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernameshortage
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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Dress code
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/luccebest1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad’s Big Day Out

I witnessed an apple store robbery today, they made me an iWitness. I was already running late, after my wife took my cheese this morning. Even after I told her it was Nacho cheese. She asked what time my dentist appointment was, I told her Tooth hurt-y. But I didn’t end up going, as there was stairs I had to ascend. I don’t trust them, they’re always up to something. Then my wife got really mad at me and said that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

I went straight to the barber for a new look. He asked me if I wanted a haircut? I said no, I want them all cut. Puzzled he would ask such a silly question, I noticed the graveyard across the street looking overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there I thought. I picked up a book about anti-gravity. It was impossible to put down! Shear amazement a barber would have a book like this! I told the barber I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me. He stopped cutting my hair when my ear fell off. He must of realised I was a leper at this point so I paid for his service and told him to keep the tip.

I received a call from my Eastern European mother in law, apparently my child was refusing to sleep during nap time. She told me he’s guilty of resisting a rest. Then she called me straight back to say there was a kidnapping. I rushed to her home to find my kid napping. I was angry by the miscommunication but that anger turned to joy when I realised it was the first day of spring. I got so excited I wet my plants. After which I realised I was late for soccer practice. I’m not a big fan of the sport but I was doing it for the kicks. I decided not to go as I was tired from the night before where I spent the night looking for the sun. Then it dawned on me. Unusual for me, as I’m usually a pretty good sleeper. I can do it with my eyes closed.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lovethebigones
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I keep asking what LGBT stands for

But I never get a straight answer.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DBones90
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
🚨︎ report
A student is arrested and brought to court for carrying a weapon to his morning lecture

Judge: Why did you bring a taser to your lecture?

Defendent: Well you see sir, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. But I’m not a big fan of soft drinks or coffee, so I thought the next best thing was to give me a good shock.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pumped_Pipe
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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This is grate
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EC097
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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The first time I used an elevator...

It was an uplifting experience, the next time it was a big let down

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coffeemist90881
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
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The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ashwinvias
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2018
🚨︎ report

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