I'm not a big fan of Thor's brother.

He's Loki a bad guy...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhreedomPhighter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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Big Brothers
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kauntest
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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My brothers daughter is called Denice, what is her big brothers name?

De-nephew.

(Or for more dad joking goodness, you can make his name β€œwhat”. If they say β€œwhat is the brothers name say yes, if they ask you to tell them what it is say what. My dad did this for 10 minutes to his mother one time at a family dinner she wouldn’t let it go)

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2018
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My younger brother asked my dad why he was buying the large bananas with all the big spots on them Dad didn't miss a beat.

"So we'll have a dalmatian plantain, son."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/desireewhitehall
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
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Do you remember hearing your first dad joke? Is there one that has stuck with you through the years?

Mine was about 20 years ago, I was 17 at the time and going to my gf’s sisters house for dinner with her family. We brought some things to help with dinner. As we’re walking up to the house carrying the cookware, her dad looks back and says, β€œhey, now that you’re walking the wok, can you talk the talk?”. Not sure why but I’ll never forget that. Still makes me chuckle to this day. What’s yours?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malker84
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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I always trust people with big butts

As they cannot lie

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mattty_21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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This is the plot of 1984.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pharan_x
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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You thought other puns were bad? wait until you (sorry I dunno how to add text to images and i'm new to reddit)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moneybrainz99
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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From my 9yo. How do you tell someone was cutting wood?

You saw-dust. (There were exaggerated winks after. And a elbow to the ribs. It was glorious)

Edit: thanks for the love: My kid asked me if I was gonna share it on Facebook. I don’t use Facebook so I said I’d share it here. He’s practicing his jokes, he said, so he can be a good big brother. He’s got a corny sense of humor and loves a good dad joke.

For the couple of you who think I pimped his joke for Karma, look outward to that speck of light in your dark life. That light is your asshole. Go that way to remove your head from from it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yeoshua82
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
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What's Hulk Hogan's favorite TV show?

Big Brother

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NYRion7
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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I have a reputation amongst my friends for cheesy dad jokes this one is the one I'm most proud of.

So I cut my hand quite badly and had to go to get stitches.

The doctor's sewing me up and I remember an old joke that I swore I'd use should the oppurtunity ever arise.

I says "Doc, when this heals up am I gonna be able to play the piano?"

Doctor says "Of course."

I say "that's odd I wasn't able to play the piano before."

The doctor then sets me up for a little improv, he laughs politely and says "funny"

I say "Doc! I'm funny? You've got me in stitches."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BruceWaynesWorld
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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So this might have been posted before but...

A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom.

She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week!

The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his date’s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit.

A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day.

The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. β€œWhy is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!” He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses.

That night, he rode in the limo to his date’s house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit.

They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night.

About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohihatethesepants
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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Abbott and Costello talk about Lou's new dog

(From Abbott and Costello’sΒ radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if I’d have been wearing a license plate, he’d have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen β€” in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother β€” Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, I’m not talking about that. What is the dog’s breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, …
Lou Costello: That’s it, Abbott! He’s a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editor’s note: we now call an β€œicebox” a β€œrefrigerator”)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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What's next for Apple?

The iPhone 6 and its big brother the plus has just been launched and already websites are crawling with the next iphone slated to launch in sep-oct of 2015 and experts are wondering if the new iPhone under Tim Cook's management will flop or be a....6 s?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FingerFlares
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2014
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What color was it?

Every time. Every single god damn time anyone describes anything with it's color, and he's been doing it for as long as I can remember. Now that I'm out of the house, he's doing it to my 7 year old brother.

"Turn left right after the big yellow sign." "What color is it?"

"Dad, did you see the red firetruck?" "What color was it?"

Twenty years of this and he still think it's hilarious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mostlyharmless27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2013
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1001 Dad Jokes

My brother's wife recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, and being a new father, my brother and dad sat down to talk. I heard my brother expressing his concerns about being a new father, and all the challenges it would bring. My dad just smiled and put his hand on my brother's shoulder, pulling out a big, goofy colored book titled '1001 Dad Jokes.' With this, my brother began to tear up. He looked at my dad and said "Dad...I'm honored." My dad, with some tears of pride in his eyes as well sniffled and said...

"Hi honored, I'm Dad."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatOneRussian
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2013
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Dadjoked my brother for his birthday

My brother turned 16 today, and for a party he invited 5 of his lady friends. One of them have him a set of Disney Princess bandaids. My wife and my brother are both big fans of the movie "Frozen"and my wife had something to say.

Brother: Look at these cool bandages! Wife: But they aren't Frozen bandages. Brother: Well I guess... Me: He can just put them in the freezer.

The entire party just rolled their eyes at me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yoshi_XD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
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Wedding Dad Jokes, buckle-up

So I'm not a dad but I do have fatherly aspirations. I told this joke at a wedding for a friend of mine. All names have changed except the bride's last name- it's a big part of the joke. My buddy we'll call Bob Smith, and his bride is Jane Patton.

After the father of the bride gives his toast, and the best man does his, I grab the mike from the best man and begin. This is as verbatim as I can remember. So I intro myself and promise to keep my comment short and say,

"Bob, I just want to say you're a great friend of mine, like a brother, and one thing I love about you is you're always surprising me. Like today for instance, I didn't know you were an inventor. Lo and behold, you've got your name on a Patton!"

Chuckles, drowned out by groans. I apologize and return to my seat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daniffer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2014
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Kenny Loggins.

It was subtle, and you'll need to know some 80s trivia. It was really bad, but I also think it was pretty clever.

I was driving to Dave and Buster's with my dad, his girlfriend, and my younger siblings when "This Is It" by Kenny Loggins came on the radio.

Dad: "Is this Kenny Loggins? It sounds like him."

Dad's GF: "Yeah, I remember this song. It was before he got big."

Dad: "Ah. He's pretty lucky he cut Footloose, then."

Brother: "What's Footloose?"

Dad's GF: "It was a movie that came out when-"

Me: "Wait... Dammit, Dad."

Dad's GF: "What? ... Oh, God. Really, Chris? Really?"

He spent the rest of the 45 minute ride giggling like a schoolgirl.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZTheJerk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2014
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Here's a small insight of what my siblings and I have had to deal with our entire lives.

So, its the day "Clash of the Titans' comes out in theaters. My dad decides to take my brother and I, (we're all big fans), so we get there early and are waiting out in the lobby, my dad and brother go to the bathroom, I wait on a bench for them. A few minutes go by and I see them coming out, my dad giggling at himself, my brother red with embarrassment, and some men behind them laughing.. I want to know, but do I really want to know?

"What did you do?"

He proceeded to tell me of how he overheard some guys chatting about how excited they are for the movie, then realized everyone in there was probably going to see the same movie we are, so he thought it would be a good idea to get in the conversation. He calmy unzipped his pants and yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" as he peed.

And that was all he said.

My poor brother.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterMegan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2013
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At the winery...

My wife and I are at the winery with my parents and the guy pouring samples is just flirting with all of the women, including my mom and wife, and telling dirty jokes, which is no big deal, but I don't really appreciate him calling wine "panty dropper" when he pours it for my mom. That kind of weird stuff, y'know?

Then he tells a story that he has an identical twin brother, and when they were infants, people would always ask his mother how she tells the two of them apart.

"I can tell them apart by their balls,"

And we're all like, "Jesus, enough with the gross out humor already," but he finishes the joke; "One of the babies bawls all day, the other bawls all night,"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elbr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
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Got my mum pretty good with this one

Was watching a travel show about a man walking the river Nile. The guys is talking about the vastness of the river so I turn to my mum and say "It's not that big that big this guy is just in denile". Mum groaned, brother laughed so overall happy with the result!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spezialk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2015
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More of a grandpa joke

My grandparents on my dad's side would always have my brother and I over for Christmas when we were younger (around when I was 5-10 and my brother was 9-14). They always had a little tree in addition to their big one. The small tree had a bunch of those stereotypical ornaments (round, plain, solid color) in a bunch of different colors. My brother and I would always have fun counting the number of a specific color of ornament separately, then comparing our answers. However, every time we would, we would get different answers, so we'd recount, then get different answers again!

Anyway, just this last year (me being 18, my brother being 22), we reminded our grandfather of this. He laughed, said he remembered it, then said "well, why don't you count up the red ones again, see what you get? I'll tell you if you're right."

We agreed, and got to it. We each counted 3 times separately, then compared, then decided to average them. We got around 24 for the red ones, so went to tell our grandpa. After saying we weren't sure, we asked how many there were. He laughed and said "Darn, I don't know! I was hoping you guys could get a number so I wouldn't have to!"

Not that funny when retold, but it was hilarious then

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SMS450
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2013
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I hope you're proud of yourself Dad

My little brother was fascinated by the picture of the 466 lb flounder that has been going around lately and I told him my dad would be interested. Little bro: "Look at how big this fish is dad!" Pops: "That is an absolute shame, you shouldn't be supporting that." Little bro: "Why? Are they not going to eat it?" Pops: "No. They do it just for the halibut." Me: [audible sigh]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnfuckindenver
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2014
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Dad joke about how fast my little brother is growing up.

So I was over at my aunt and uncles house this evening for Christmas Eve dinner, when my Grandma remarked to my Dad just how much my 4 year old brother had grown since she had last seen him.

Grandma: Well how big is he now? He must have grown a foot since I last saw him.

Dad: Nope, he still only has two.

It took everyone a moment to get it, but it eventually clicked.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aggieboy12
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2013
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Old School Dads Tell Jokes Too

So I Have never been close to my dad because he is old school. You know, republican, really catholic, really fit, clean hair cut, big sports fan, etc. He can be funny but really only shows his fun side with the little kids in the family or his brothers.

Well my little sister is incharge or answering the house phone and when she was younger this happened a lot:

Sister: hello?(pause) hangs up phone Dad: who was it? Sister: nobody Dad: oh, i told him to stop calling. Well what did Nobody want? Sister: What ? Dad: you said Nobody called, i asked what he wanted. Sister: Nooooo, nobody called Dad: i know he called, what did he want

This would go on for a while

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2014
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So I was talking to my dad...

My dad was reminiscing about when my brother and I were young and asked, "how'd you get so big?"

"Good genes" I answer jokingly

He takes a look at my pants and says "those jeans don't look new to me!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThatDannyGuy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2014
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My dad went to school

Last night my dad, brother-in-law, and myself were discussing shop stuff, I was raised on a farm but never really got into the nuts and bolts of farming, machinery, etc. I was trying to name something common in engineering parlance and couldn't quite come up with it. My brother-in-law was also raised on a farm and is big into that sort of stuff, and this line of dialogue ensued:

Dad: "You need to go to engineering school"

Me: "What engineering school did you go to?"

Dad: "H.K."

Me: "What school is that?"

Dad: "Hard Knocks"

Me: rolls eyes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcwitte
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2014
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