A list of puns related to "Before the Rain"
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit theyโre bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. โIโd like some wings and a pint of beer, please,โ it says. โSorry, but I canโt serve you,โ the bartender replies. โYouโre out of your head.โ
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. โWe donโt serve your kind here,โ the bartender says. โWhy not?โ one yogurt asks. โWeโre cultured.โ
A friend of mine didnโt pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. Heโs an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and thereโs a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, โWhat are you staring at? Havenโt you ever seen a horse tending bar before?โ The guy says, โItโs not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.โ
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, โWhatโs with the paper towel?โ The pirate says, โArrr! Iโve got a Bounty on me head!โ
A turtle is crossing the road when heโs mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, โI donโt know. It all happened so fast.โ
Armed robbersโsome say theyโre a drain on society, but youโve got to give it to them.
Barbersโฆyou have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Donโt forget the pickle. Itโs kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. Thereโs Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewisโฆ Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit โกHis best friend, Roy, was known around town for having an adventurous streak that a small town just couldn't satisfy. Roy yearned to travel the world, to rub shoulders with the well-to-do, and to squeeze every drop of excitement he could out of life. While most young folk in town, my grandpa included, were resigned to their lot, Roy was driven by his dream. He worked incredibly hard, taking every hired-hand and handy-man job he could find. He would walk five miles each way to clean a gutter if there was a nickel to be made. His hometown was always spotless, because Roy would pick up every glass bottle he saw to get the deposit back, and every can he found would get turned in for recycling.
The years stretched on. Grandpa settled down with his high school sweetheart in a one-room cottage and had my dad, and not much else. Roy kept hurrying from one job to the next, never spending a dime on a date. Everyone would just roll their eyes and quietly gossip about how poor Roy's obsession was robbing him of a real life.
One day, Roy showed up at Grandpa's house, all decked out in a brand new khaki safari kit, complete with helmet, binoculars, and elephant gun, and announced that he had finally saved up enough for passage to Africa to go big game hunting. He was especially proud of the fine leather boots he was sporting. "Indestructable" he called them, totally impenetrable to water, wind, and snow. No trench-foot for him while he tracked rhinos on the savannah!
Grandpa congratulated Roy on his achievement and wished him bon voyage. Over the next three months, the town felt Roy's absence. Litter lay where it fell, gutters overflowed in heavy rain, small-time farmers rose that bit earlier and bedded that bit later to cover the work Roy used to help with. Of course, the gossipers just turned their chat from how Roy needed a dose of reality to how thoughtless it was of him to just up and leave. Most folks were convinced Roy was gone for good. After all, how could he come back from such a high-falutin' adventure to his tiny, no-account hometown?
But return Roy did, and everyone crowded around at the bar to hear his account of his safari. To their surprise, Roy told them that, for all the time he had been away, he only bagged one trophy that was currently on a slow boat back. It turned out, once Roy got a close-up look at the elephants, rhinos, giraffes, gazelles, and all the fine animals of the African savannah, he lost all heart for hunting. He just couldn't imagi
... keep reading on reddit โกBefore you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.
Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.
Why are Santas reindeer generally drenched with water?
Because they are rain-deer.
Why did Santa have to visit the psychologist?
He had low elf esteem.
Why are Christmas trees so uncoordinated when it comes to sewing?
They always drop their needles.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a hungry mosquito?
Frostbite
โWhat did Adam say to Eve on the night before Christmas day?
It's Christmas Eve!
Its Christmas eve and santa claus has forgotten to check the weather before his Christmas run . Just before leaving he asks Mrs claus "what's the weather like for tonight?" "Rain dear" she replies
The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
1 ย - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2ย ย - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3ย ย - Half the people you know are below average.
4ย ย - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6 ย - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7ย ย - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 ย - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 ย - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
While they are walking it starts to precipitate. The man insists that it is raining, but his wife, who has only ever lived further up north where it can only snow, thinks that it is some weird form of snow. They spend a few minutes trying to convince each other before the man says โletโs ask Officer Rudolf, heโs a very smart man!โ So they stop and say โOfficer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?โ Officer Rudolf confirms that it is raining, and the couple continues to stroll. Later the wife asks how he knew Officer Rudolf could answer them. The man simply replies, โbecause Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear.โ
So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!
Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?
To book a rest!
Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take him on a piss up to Iceland. When asked why he said:
I want to wreck ya vic!
Why should you never let a man go swimming in Finland with weights on his ankles?
Coz He'll sinky
What do people most commonly use toilet paper for in Bandar Seri Begawan?
Their Brunei
Catwoman bet her male counterpart he couldn't pronouce the capitol of Nepal. But cat man do.
Why was the Polish man rubbing his bollocks? Coz they warsaw.
I just came up with a cracking pun for Japan. Alas, all the wife could say was "What Tokyo so long?"
The ex Mrs McCartney got naked in East Germany in the 80s. She was known for years in the area as Bare-lin
Cheap flights to Russia still available! Book now! Everything Moscow!
The people of Bahamas think learning Capitol cities is Nassau important
The people of the Netherlands had a need to build a water driven power station as well as an overabundance of pork products. So they used 'Ams to Dam a river.
A husband and wife in the Phillipines were both very, very unwell. The woman was sick, but the man iller.
What's the average Senegalian's favoured mode of transport? Da car
Have you heard about the talking cat in Somalia that only throws insults? The Moggy Diss you
They are obsessed with John Cleese in Uruguay. They love a video of Fawlty towers almost as much as they love a Montevideo
People from Vietnam Hanoi the hell outta me
Rain storms are very rare in Zambia, but in Zimbabwe they Harera
Before you do a joke about Macedonia, let me Skopje right there
I've heard Swedish Ikea workers get stuff for free, they can just take Stockholm
If you are trying to eat Halal in Pakistan, Islamabad or good choice?
One day Mario and Luigi were arguing with eachother after they came across a very unique ghost in their travels. See, this particular spirit had a permanent rain cloud above her head, leaving water wherever she went. Even more curiously, she permanently had her nose buried in a book!
Mario was adamant "No one's ever seen anything like this before. We should contact the librarians in Peaches Castle to document this."
But Luigi was infuriated and set out to prove his brother wrong. After many hours in the library, he threw a monsters compendium on the desk infront of his brother and exclaimed...
"Take a look.
Its in the book.
Its a reading Rain Boo."
Yesterday, I was running back from the school bus after asking the driver to give me a moment because my disabled son had had an accident and I was about finished cleaning him up. It was raining and muddy and I was in my bare feet, but this is the norm out here.
On the way back I managed to get my big toenail ripped up off the nailbed down to about halfway to the cuticle. Never done that before in 31 years, and oh my, I have to say it was a whole different level of exquisite agony when I finally noticed it. Funny how you never notice things like that until you see all the blood and how it doesn't even hurt until you touch it.
Sparing you the details of tracking in blood for five minutes before I even noticed I'd done it, the husband cringed quite a bit when he got home from work and saw it.
Fast forward to today--my period started and I had one hell of a headache all day long. He gets home from work and asks, "you ok, babe?" Because I'm usually pretty cheerful when he walks in the door, but today I was cranky as fuck.
"Eh, period started. Headache. Glad you're home, I can take a pain pill and you can watch the kids."
"Oh." He looked me up and down slowly and grinned. "So... now you're hurting from head... to toe?"
Motherfucker.
The second woman looks to the first woman and asks what they should do?
"God will save us" she says.
The two women sit there for a while and watch the water continue to rise. Eventually a rescue team in a rubber dinghy turn up.
"Jump on" says the rescuer. The second woman quickly jumps into the dinghy. The first woman looks annoyed and states bluntly that "God will save me". The rescuer shakes his head and drives off.
A few hours go by and the rain begins falling harder and harder. The entire house aside from the roof is submerged.
She hears the sound of a helicopter before she sees it. The helicopter hovers above and throws down a rope ladder.
"Climb up!" Shouts the rescuer.
The woman shakes her head refusing to move "No, god will save me".
The rescuer shakes his head and the helicopter flies off.
Time passes by and the water is now up to the top of the roof. She hears an aeroplane swoop in low overhead, dropping life jackets along the street for anyone left behind.
"No" she shakes her head "God will save me!"
The inevitable happens and after she drowns the storms into heaven upset. "God! Why didn't you save me?"
He looks to her and rolls his eyes. "Well I sent a boat, a helicopter and a life jacket what else do you want me to do?"
As I'm struggling with draping a tarp over our boat before the rain comes, I ask my sister to come over and help. Dad jumps up from his chair and yells, "Ashley no! It's a tarp!"
A husband and wife were on vacation to Moscow around winter holidays. Upon arriving, they stepped out of their car and noticed some precipitation. The husband turned to the wife and said, "I think it's raining."
"I'm not so sure. I think it's snowing." replied the wife.
An officer, who was clearly struggling with the worst of a cold and in no mood for chit-chat, happened to stop by the couple while he was lighting a smoke. The husband caught his attention and asked, "Officer, what do you think? Would you say it's raining or snowing?"
The officer briefly glanced up at the sky. "Definitely raining." he declared, before walking off.
The husband, with a nod and a grin, turned back to his wife and boasted,
"See? Rudolph The Red knows rain, dear."
They feel some precipitation.
"I think it's raining" says the man.
"No, it's snowing" says the woman.
"Why don't we ask this communist officer?" Asks the man. "He's always right! Excuse me, officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining" he says, before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."
He told his wife that it was going to rain soon. His wife, never hearing her husband predict the weather before asks, "How Rudolph, how do you know its going to rain soon?"
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
"Office Rudolph," I ask. "Is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
I turn to my wife. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve.
They feel a slight precipitation.
โI think itโs raining," says the man.
โNo, itโs snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man.
โOfficer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
โDefinitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile. โSee? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.โ
A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation. "I think it's raining," says the man. "No, it's snowing," replies the woman. "How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing? "Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off. The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
A couple is walking in St Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve.
They feel a slight precipitation.
"I think it's raining," says the man.
"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.
"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining, "Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The Man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
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