What do you call a Patrick with poor balance?
I was standing behind a customer in an ATM and he turned around and said, "could you please check my balance?"
So I pushed him. His balance wasn't that great.
A lady in the bank asked me to check her balance ...
Watt is the unit of power?
What do you call a powerful bullet made out of lava?
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
I will become the next great god. The embodiment of Thor and Odin’s power.
Faulty nuclear power plants are so dramatic!
They're always over reacting
I can tie my shoe laces just by using the power of my mind.
I bet you don't believe me...
I thought knot.
Generating all of our power from solar energy ....
... its not going to happen overnight!
My friend kept telling me I have no power
I don't mean to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, I know what all you are thinking right now. "It's spelt psychic, you idiot. "
Gravity is the most powerful force on Earth....
But if you remove it, you get gravy.
I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady asked me to check her balance...
I was experimenting with the power grid of my house
The results were shocking
I bought my grandson a portable power charger shaped like a lady bug.
Now he has beetle juice!!
What school supply holds the most power?
I've spent all morning trying to think of a quality pun, just to come up with THIS otter rubbish.
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Why are gas powered cars part of the LGBT community?
They have a transmission.
My Son Ate a Bunch of Scrabble Tiles. My Wife is Scared but I'm not...
He should have a good vowel movement. His next diaper change could spell disaster though.
Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $3.00
Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:
Riceless
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face"
Forgiveness is the most important part of a well balanced breakfast.
Today on a walk my son was asking about a bunch of plants and stuff, he pointed to one and I said it was a fungi.
Without missing a beat he asks "Daddy, do you know how much room you need to grow Fungi like that?"
I did not know.
So he tells me "as Mushroom as possible!"
So proud.
My wife told me to pick up 8 cans of soda on my way home from work
She was pretty mad when I only picked seven up
Grandma is always saying to me ' Hey what's the name of that German guy again who keeps taking my stuff '
Alzheimer, Grandma, it's Alzheimer.
Always part of a classical dish
For those who don’t know what a power plant is
What you call a sea horse with Telekinesis powers?
A chi-horse
source: my 9 year old sister, after she found a video about psychic powers and stuff like that
Geez what if aliens have invented ships that jump across eons, all powered with herbs
They'd have invented thyme travel!
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
What do cannibals serve at the beginning of dinner party?
A man was caught stealing from a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires;
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
SpongeBob may be the main character of the show.
Me: Sorry I'm late. I broke down on the way to work.
Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?
Me: Car?
A conversation I had on a dating app. For context, her instagram is mainly pictures of chairs and her name rhymes with chair.
Just who you were looking for
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
What kind of tree comes from your mouth?
What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?
The one and only acceptable way of advertising
Scientist have actually discovered a feline-like life-form on Mars! But unfortunately, one of their rovers ran over it, and
Curiosity killed the cat :(
I’m sorry aboot these. Please don’t kick me out of this sub or shoe me away....
A woman approached me in the bank and for me to check her balance…….
I recently got fired from a bank teller position when asked to check a client’s balance.
Generating all our electricity from solar power...
is not going to happen overnight.
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