B Bomb Puns

Post all bomb puns here, whether they be good or bad.

Edit: Wow. This blew up.

Bomb Bae

Because what’s the chance of being 2 bombs on 1 flight?

Oh tannen-bomb oh tannen-bomb...

President Bush has bombed the Canary Islands. Turkey is next!

and it bombed

A bath bomb

It was the bomb diggity.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

He lit the fuse on his bomb and the bartender sprayed him with water from the soda-gun, dousing the bomb and putting out the fuse. The bartender said, “I foiled your plan mad bomber now get out before I call the cops!!” The mad bomber re-fused.

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

She was the bomb...

Because I bombed that test!

Da bomb.

I mean... just look at those:

- Why has Gwen Stacy been on the web lately?

to spite her man. -River

- Why do you carry a Laptop in your back pocket?

Because rapping like a computer must be in my genes. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem blow?

All he did was throw f-bombs - Rap God

- Why did Eminem buy the rap game a maxi pad?

Because it's having a rough time period. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem look so shocked when he watched a church gathering take place?

He was witnessing a mass occur. - Rap God

- How could Eminem poop Jerusalem?

Because his shit is real. - Caterpillar

- Why is Eminem so ill-behaved?

He's got a couple of mansions, but still no mannors. - Lucky You

And these are just a select few.

At work we have a policy where you can bring your dog. Today Frank the dog was in the office. He is a super hyper dog all day long. During the day someone was changing out the batteries in the keyboard and Frank was trying to get the old batteries. Franks owner pulled him away and said no you don’t eat batteries. This was the point I spoke up and dropped the bomb.

“Frank, you don’t need batteries. You’re already charged up enough”

Because a bomb in a bull's no man.

Dad: Did you hear about how Jordan has been bombing ISIS?

Me: Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

Dad: I know... So do you think Jordan's Air Force is called "Air Jordan"?

Me: :-/

Dad: They probably have the Nike logo on their jets.

He bombed on stage.

I was pushing our two year old along the street in her push chair and let an s-bomb slip by accident.

My wife says, "don't talk like that in front of our daughter!"

"It's fine, I'm walking behind her."

Back before the world was supposed to end on Dec. 21st, 2012 a friend, and employee, of my fathers was certain the world would end. He quit his job, built a bomb shelter, and stocked it with enough canned food and guns for years.

When the world didn't end he called up my dad all pissed off that he wasted all his money on this stuff and he didn't need it, and my dads response:

"Hey man, just relax, it's not the end of the world."

1. “did you hear about the kidnapping today?

   • really what kidnapping?
   • it was a young kid, but it’s okay he woke up

2. “Omg dude this thing is so sick!

   • should I take it to the doctor?

3. “Dude this burger is so bomb!”

   • does it explode?”

So, me and my group of friends recently started a gag going on one of our friends. She rolls with it, so it's okay.

So we just mess around with puns like "You're the bomb", "You've got an explosive personality", any bomb or explosion reference/pun we can make when talking with her or about her basically.

However, we are running out of puns.

Anyone got suggestions ?

A-bomb-in-a-bull!

Me: "Your breakfast game is the bomb.com"

Him: "Yeah, like https.thebomb.com - I'm secure and I got this on LOCK down"

A spirit bomb.

Because he might Pikachu!

I used to get to do these all the times. When the drawer got stuck I would wrestle the obstruction inside blocking it and exclaim that this would not be a problem if we just had a lesser cheese grater...I began to love bombing there for a while. Ah...

Edit- no one got the grater joke then either, don't feel bad. but it was on the spot so it didn't need all the setup i ruined here. Try this for your brains: Our drawers often had a lot of utensils and stuff in them, and some of it was also big, like the cheese grater. That would get jostled and end up on top of a fork pile or whatever and be up high enough in the drawer to keep the thing from opening, ie the drawer would open to where the grater hit the back of it and jam the works up, right? the grater was too great. i needed a lesser grater so the drawer wouldnt get jammed. Did that help?

Long post is long:

Her: Remember dad's tomato bushes? Well they're attacking! At least one is leaning across the path trying to get at my window... We had the war of the roses, now its time for the attack of the tomatoes!

Me: I don't remember anything about tomato bushes. From one battle to the next.

Her: Yep! Lookout tomatoes here comes the chutney recipe!

Me: I can just imagine a cucumber campaign. Operation onion would be next, which will fail, causing everyone to cry. Dill Day follows, a great success for the allied gardeners. All too soon though, the kamikaze carrots set in, utterly ruining the radish raid. The mushroom maneuver is employed, saving the troops, allowing them to deal the final blow in the asparagus assault!

Her: Don't forget the pumpkins want to supply ground cover with heavy support...

Me: Ah yes, the pumpkin paratroopers.

Her: Thyme is running out...

Me: Prepare the beetroot bombs!!!

Her: Aim for Potato Garden!

Me: Fire the capsicum! Deploy the celery team!

Her: Bring in the egg plant division to support the capsicum!

Me: This is it boys, life or dirt! I want a passionfruit unit to find us a vantage point, and the strawberry unit to surround them!

Her: We had better bring the lettuce up to date!

Me: The cabbage are under withering fire, we need support from the raspberry division! The potatoes are mashed, so well need to send the zucchini in their place!

Her: The zucchini can't take that heavy fire, they'll be grated. Send spinach for some extra iron. The sweet potatoes are digging in at the ridge.

Me: Prepare the watermelon bomb, we need to finish this! The eggplant were squashed, deploy the broccoli brigade! The beans need to get out of there, or they'll be split!

Her: Cauliflowers are going in to retrieve the beans. How brave to risk their florets!

The corn commandos are deployed, but the artichokes are all out of heart, we need to boost morale.

Me: The leeks are down! They'll be flattened if we don't do something!

Are the spinach still operational?

Her: Too bad the pepper isn't on our side, they're well seasoned troops.

Spinach is a go!
Nothing has touched it...

Me: But wait! We still have the chillies to give them heavy fire!

Her: And the squashes and peas!

Me: The ginger is holding it's ground, but it's being cut down by the pineapple!

The basil should make things interesting, send them to aid the potatoes.

**Her:

No one in attendance was under 55 when they dropped this bomb shell on each other:

My Dad: Hey Al, your dog is getting fat.

Al: He's on a sea food diet.

At this point all of the dads there jumped in and in perfect synchronization shouted: "See food and eat it!"

As one of the ships was being bombed, sailors were jumping into the water around the ship and then drowning. I made the comment, "It's weird how so many people join the navy without being able to swim."

My dad replied, "That's nothing. I don't know a single person in the air force who can fly."

They were all carpet bombed. Since then there's been a blanket ban on them.

Little autocorrect issues helped me drop this bomb on my buddy while we were texting

Me: Do you watch game of thrones?

Him: Nah I don't. I've watched the first few episodes, but that's about Iran

Him: It***

Me: Iraqen you should watch a few more.

The theme was fish/ocean related things. We passed around the usual "reel-y" and "shore you will" jokes until, in his words, I dropped the A-bomb of fish jokes.

Me: Do you know why fish swim in schools instead of churches?

Brother: Why?

Me: Because fish are like, "Ick- theology."

My brother then stood up and left the room for five minutes. When he came back...

Brother: You're a monster.

Me: Nah, I'm just moray eel-y corrupt.

My cousin walked up on my front porch. Walked up by the door. Then turned around and walked away.

My little brother: What if they planted a bomb? Dad: It wouldn't grow. This was followed with 10 minutes of nonstop laughter. Just from him and my mother.

We're fighting, I'm angry, he's taking none of my shit, he sits there and reads the paper.

Trying to drop the final bomb: "You know what, dad?"

He: "Yes, it's a word", not even lifting his eyes from the paper.

I leave the room angry as fuck, but silent.

I like their names. The Sniper is called Cold-Eye, Demolition girl is Cherry Bomb, and the Medic is called Pills. I'm surprised they didn't call the Brawler Two On The Nose.

So I happen to be grocery shopping along with my dad in a Target store. Not much to pick up but two of the items we needed were thyme and milk. They happen to be within a few feet of each other in the same cooled location. We both see the thyme first, but I am the one who happens to grab it. I reach for the first one in a long line of cases of thyme and something must have happened where it was too tightly loaded in the spring rack so that when I grabbed the one, the spring shot and about five more flung out, some landing on the floor, some breaking open on the shelves. I see the mess made and, admittedly selfishly, said "Not my problem" and walked over the get the milk (2% organic for context). I grab the milk and walk back over to see my dad picking up the mess. I walk closer. I look at him, he looks at me and he ignites the funny bomb that was rummaging through his brain for the last 20 second waiting for me to arrive:

"Well, now you know how thyme flies."

I asked my mom if we had any wraps in the fridge. She then proceeded to say "no, they're right here. uh uh, I'm a mom. I'm the bomb. Uh uh" tl;dr: my mom is my dad

My dad tells me this prayer mat salesman started putting bombs in the mats.

"His prophets are going through the roof "

My paternal progenitor dropped this bomb on me during a recent skype chat. Background: I am currently living in Australia and told him I ate a kangaroo burger.

"Do you know what it's called when they cook meat from the front of a kangaroo? A hot pocket!"

Is he not the most Dadish Dad?

Me- it looks like an atom bomb Dad- well where's the eve bomb then

When teaching us spelling that you didn't pronounce the last B in Bomb. "why not Grandpa?" "It's silent, like the silent P in swimming." He got me and my younger sisters in turn.

also, he spoke fluent French and German and would claim that "I can speak every language except Greek"

"Say something in Russian."

"That's Greek to me"

Me: I had a little time to kill before my meeting, so I picked up a couple lip balms since I'm running out.

Him: Your lips are going to explode if you keep putting all these bombs on them!

What do you call a bomb that doesn't explode, but lands on a cow? A milk dud.

I was playing video games and I perform this neat outplay so I turn to my brother, who is at the moment reading some stuff on the internet, and tell him: "Damn I'm good, give me a five!" to which he drops a dad bomb: -"Sorry, I'm left only with tens."

Every time the household has one of those "I love you" rounds... I say "I love lamp." The kids look at me funny and I correct myself to the appropriate-for-the-moment comment.

I look forward to them watching the classic "old" movie I've been referencing for as long as they remember. I hope they'll call me to say they finally got the joke.

Any other long-term dad-bombs I should start planting?

Then shouldn’t bomb be pronounced as “boom?”

He went to his dad and said I had a nightmare. So the dad said tell me about it. Well I was on a train full of bombs. It was freight-ening

Would it be a Car-Pet Bomb?

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?