Why did the candle get a round of applause?

It was scent-sational

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Four4our4
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2022
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Which temple deserves a round of applause?

Encore Wat

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πŸ‘€︎ u/epiclevellama
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2022
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My attempt at puns were not met with applause
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sgtgaroronumber1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2021
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Round of applause indeed
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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My friend the comedian normally gets lots of applause after his act, but the last time it was nothing but boos...

He must have been having a bad har day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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A round of applause for u/Dudephish
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexferrick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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Love this sub, so here's a round of applause to show you my appreciation.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr-Klaus
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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So my dog messed up and I told him to give himself a round of applause...

and then I thought, "well for you, it'd be a round of a-paws"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/goddamit_adam
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2016
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He urned my applause

http://i.imgur.com/Qowz0kx.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/duyh91
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2015
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This one received both a roomful of groans and applause!

Yesterday I was doing Concert practice - fairly standard for a music student, play some songs (with a band), receive some constructive criticism, if there's time, play it again, see if it improved.

So after aforementioned criticism the band and I are about to play again when one of the singers points the mic at the speaker (accidentally) and painfully loud feedback assaults our ears.

In the following silence, I commented: "That's the least useful feedback we've had all day!"

...silence.

Then approximately forty people groaning in unison, which gave way to applause for my awful dadjoke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clarrington
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2014
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I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

I'm sure he'll come around, eventually.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chacham2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2021
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Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the washroom?

Because the P is silent

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AzizMou
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2022
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what was the moon's reason for being arrested?

lunacy.

please clap

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πŸ‘€︎ u/luzzaislucky
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2021
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At work the other day, my coworker sneezed in the middle of a sentence.

She said, β€œOh my god, I’m so sorry. That came out of nowhere.”

I said, β€œDid it come out of nowhere? Or did it come out of your nose?”

My applause was the exasperated groans of everyone I work with.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aRatherDapperFox
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2022
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(homemade) what did the frog do to the paper?

Veteran dad here, no applause required.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/steve1181sds
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2022
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The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear...

is sphere itself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hana-Chi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
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Like all of us have been.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrissiKross
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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I tried making an old family recipe of german sausage boiled in vodka.

It was the Absolut wurst.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImDyxlesic-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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My dad has a heart of a lion!

And a lifetime ban from the zoo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shoop76
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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Which one of King Arthur's knights built the round table?

Sir Cumference

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πŸ‘€︎ u/infinitywee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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What did the janitor say when he jumped out of his closet?

Supplies!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sauceyFella
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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Had an argument with my physiotherapist regarding my posture

But now I stand corrected

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sammy_Colon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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What do you get when you cross a dadjoke and a rhetorical question?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
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How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?

He was a good conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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What do you call a hippo with a sinus infection?

A heaposnotamus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/majblackburn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
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My dad after changing clothes.

Walked out of his room after changing into nice clothes from casual:

"I'm a changed man"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/execjet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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I took my 1 year old to the ER with the flu. As the nurse was taking her temperature rectally with the thermometer in the butt, he sympathized with her misery by saying β€œI know, it stinks.”

To which I responded β€œIt certainly will when you take it out.” I accepted the long awkward silence that followed as thunderous applause.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Khoalb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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There's a little known country in central Europe that is ruled by a monarchy...

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.

The king knows this and he knows that only a small portion of his populace can ever hope to become one of the respected elite, let alone hold one of their masterpieces in their own hands. Being a very just and fair man, the king ordered the most senior watchmaker in the land to create something the likes of which had never been seen. A watch of such great craftsmanship so as to be above monetary value. The man labored long and hard for many nights to produce the king's watch. When he at last presented the completed work to his lord - in front of the entire nation, no less - he was met with thunderous applause and a warm embrace. He had done it! The king then made a shocking announcement.

"This masterpiece belongs to my people!"

When the roaring of the crowd died down he continued.

"This watch shall be a symbol of my love for all of you. Though I rule over you with supreme authority I do not wish a single one of you to feel that you do not have a voice in the ruling of this nation. From this day on let anyone who doubts my decisions or questions my judgment wear this watch and stand as my equal to voice their concerns. Should even a single one of you think me unfair or wrong in any matter then simply come to my castle and I will present you this token of good faith."

The king made good on his word and from that day on all citizens knew they held the right to challenge their king's rulings. Over time the watch became a symbol of fairness throughout the land. Anyone who wore it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2016
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What do you call a talentless confederate soldier?

A rebel without applause.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Delicious_Regret
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2019
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Why does Lady Gaga always have concerts?

She lives for the applause.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brendeng27bb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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ThatHappened

I once held up a sign that said applause.

...Then everybody clapped.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GoddamnLesbians
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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Everytime I enter an Aldi store

"Look at AL-DI's groceries!"

Then I wait 10 seconds for the roar of laughter and applause to begin.

Even better, when walking by the nuts

"Look at AL-DI's nuts!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/contraaa
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2013
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When I was younger, I had so much unprotected sex, I didn't get the clap

I got a round of applause.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bermobaron
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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Got my dad and the cashier!

So we were at a certain popular buffet chain, and when my dad 54-year-old with a long white beard went up to pay, the Spanish cashier asked if he was eligible for the senior discount, for ages 65+.

He strokes his beard and says "Nope, I'm not quite there yet.

I was standing behind him waiting to go eat, and I said "Well maybe you should try talking Spanish? Then you will be a seΓ±or!"

She gave us the discount, everybody around us cracked up laughing, applause was had, and the Albert Einstein behind us gave me $100. (Seriously though, they both laughed, she gave us the $0.59 discount, and Dad tells this story every chance he gets.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ancel3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
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Unexpected dad joke from Mom... My dad was grilling pork chops today. Normally not a fan, but I decided to try a bite. It was delicious, so I turned to my dad and said, "Wow Dad! These pork chops are really well done!" From behind me, Mom quipped...

"Actually, they're medium-well."


I paused for a good 10 seconds as it began to sink in, and then gave her the biggest applause I could.

I'm so happy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OreoBlizzard12
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2018
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Studying for my MCAT when I came across this passage in Verbal.

I have written this book to sweep away all misunderstandings about the crafty art of punnery and to convince you that the pun is well worth celebrating.... After all, the pun is mightier than the sword, and these days you are much more likely to run into a pun than into a sword. [A pun is a witticism involving the playful use of a word in different senses, or of words which differ in meaning but sound alike.]

Scoffing at puns seems to be a conditioned reflex, and through the centuries a steady barrage of libel and slander has been aimed at the practice of punning. Nearly three hundred years ago John Dennis sneered, β€œA pun is the lowest form of wit,” a charge that has been butted and rebutted by a mighty line of pundits and punheads.

Henry Erskine, for example, has protested that if a pun is the lowest form of wit, β€œIt is, therefore, the foundation of all wit.” Oscar Levant has added a tag line: β€œA pun is the lowest form of humorβ€”when you don’t think of it first.” John Crosbie and Bob Davies have responded to Dennis with hot, cross puns: β€œ...If someone complains that punning is the lowest form of humor you can tell them that poetry is verse.”

Samuel Johnson, the eighteenth century self-appointed custodian of the English language, once thundered, β€œTo trifle with the vocabulary which is the vehicle of social intercourse is to tamper with the currency of human intelligence. He who would violate the sanctities of his mother tongue would invade the recesses of the national till without remorse... ”

Joseph Addison pronounced that the seeds of punning are in the minds of all men, and tho’ they may be subdued by reason, reflection, and good sense, they will be very apt to shoot up in the greatest genius, that which is not broken and cultivated by the rules of art.

Far from being invertebrate, the inveterate punster is a brave entertainer. He or she loves to create a three-ring circus of words: words clowning, words teetering on tightropes, words swinging from tent tops, words thrusting their head into the mouths of lions. Punnery can be highly entertaining, but it is always a risky business. The humor can fall on its face, it can lose its balance and plunge into the sawdust, or it can be decapitated by the snapping shut of jaws. While circus performers often receive laughter or applause for their efforts, punsters often draw an obligatory groan for theirs. But the fact that most people groan at, rather than laugh at, puns doesn’t mean that the punnery isn’t fu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zil2mz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2014
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I met my preschool-aged niece for the first time Christmas eve

She loves turning into a "blood monster," running up to people, slapping them, and claim she's sucking our blood as she yells "I'm a blood monster! Rawr!"

Me: "Oh no, she's a hemoGOBLIN!"

I got some applause from the few adults present.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kuebic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2017
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SO's dad and the topic of Miley Cyrus

Not my dad, but my SO's father is both a religious man and an intellectual, so pop culture is really not his thing.

However, whenever someone even mentions Miley Cyrus, he bursts into song, singing "I came in like a wreeeeeeecking baaaaall, 'cause I have no taleeeeeeeent at aaaaall." Then he just sits and waits for the applause.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flustercustard
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2014
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What do you call a handless Father Christmas?

Can't Applause

(credit to my 6th Grade student CC)

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
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A Joke at a Festival

I was with a few people at a festival, and saw a little girl pulling a baby goat back to her (the goat's) stall. I could resist saying

"Look at those two little kids!"

Groans were my cheers and facepalms were my applause

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AQuickQuestionER
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2014
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Dadjoked my wife

my wife came home from the grocery store, and said "I gotta bring in the groceries, could you give me a hand?"

I start clapping. and say "would you also like a round of applause?" and start clapping in a circle.

she just rolled her eyes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/strider820
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2014
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Dad, could you give me a hand?

applause

I'm almost 30 and a new dad myself, and he still does this to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johndandison
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2014
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Gelato joke

My son, currently 'enduring' a semester abroad in Florence, Italy, messages me: "Remind me to tell you about the history of gianduja. It's absurd."

My response: "Yeah, I heard it's kind of nutty."

No applause, please. I'll be here all week. Try the lasagna.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChallahWave
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2014
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