I gots two words that will leave you all scratching your heads.
I took my grandma to one of those fish spas where the fish eat all your dead skin.
So much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
I said to the baker, "How come all your cakes are 50p & that one's £1?"
He said, "That's Madeira cake"
When you finish all the ranch on your salad, you’ve effectively undressed the salad.
I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage, son.
You'll need something to play with.
Be careful when you book your family camping trips; my wife was menstruating last time, and she couldn't enjoy herself at all...
... It certainly was an in tents period.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
What can you use to prevent stepping on your cat all the time?
How much do all your bones weigh?
Espresso may not solve all your problems
"Are those your pants, stumbling around by themselves and puking all over everything?"
"Yeah, they're my high/wasted jeans."
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
Winning a German sausage eating contest is all about your mind set
You hope for the best, but prepare for the wurst
How do you call a book where you write all of your crappy stories?
For all you folks living with diabetes... (My daughter and I both have type 1.) Here’s the joke — What do you say when the waitress at the Mexican restaurant asks you if you want sauce with your carne asada?
What do you call it when a panda eats all of your tall grass?
All Right Then, Keep Your Secrets.
As a farmer, your tractor dying while harvesting isn't all bad.
You can tell people you are outstanding in your field.
Where do you get all of your dad jokes?
Its important to keep some candy in your pocket at all times.
What’s the saying for when your protein powder gets spilled on your legal documents which divide all of your property after death?
Where there’s a will, there’s a whey.
He's your son when he makes all As, but...
... he's arson when he burns down buildings.
Her: Are you finally done with all your embroidery puns? I’m sick of it!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all information about 80s music!
Me: Yikes! What is The Cure?
Doctor: Oh my God. It is worse than I thought!
What happens when you finally come to terms with losing all your toes?
You become lack toes and tolerant.
That's all. Enjoy your evening all.
What part of your body is worried all the time?
Your all like school during an epidemic
Two farmers were talking. "Mate, why do all your sheep have those black stripes on their sides?"
" It's my new counting system, see that special collar on me dog, it's got a camera and it scans the sheep as the dog rounds them up. "
"Damn me, what'll they think of next? What's it called?"
"Baa codes mate"
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
You have no real problems, all of them are inside your bed (ba dum tss)
A famous horror novelist was at a convention when a man asked, “Why are all your books so dark? I’ve tried, but I just can’t manage to read any of them.” The novelist responded,
“So you haven’t tried turning on a light then?”
The worst thing about driving for Uber is all the people talking behind your back
Need help in the garden? Can't carry all your tools? Get a happy dog!
Hey dad, I just uploaded all your photos to the cloud.
dad runs outside and looks up at the sky WHICH ONE?!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
All off your cakes are 50p how come this one is a £1?
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Whoa! It’s worse than I thought.
I said to the baker “how come all your cakes are 50p but that one is £1?”
He said “that’s Madeira cake”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a Soap Opera
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