All That Jazz Puns

So when I was younger, me and a couple of friends went on a little trip to the beach. We had a lot of fun there swimming around, making a campfire, all that jazz. Some of us wanted to build sandcastles and get em as high as we could so we could pretend we were knights protecting them.

So some kids started running around being annoying and destroying the sand castles and it got to the point where one of my friends got so protective of his castle, he started punching anyone who even got close. You know how kids are, the other ones got closer and were like “we arent even touching it, calm down!” but he wasnt having any of that so he drew a line in the sand and said “if you step over this line, i WILL punch you..”

that was the punch line >insert finger guns<

It's true, I saw it today and they were suuuuuuper busy! The waiting room was packed, and every time the orderly would come out to call in another patient, the half-man-half-horse would get all excited; "is it my turn now? oh, pick me, pick me!" and all that jazz. Of course, every time it was actually someone else's turn; the Kraken, or the Minotaur, or the Chupacabra. Eventually it seemed to get on the Satyr's nerves, because he yelled over "pipe down, Mike, we're all sick of you needing to be the Centaur of attention!"

This morning my girlfriend was telling me about her new shampoo, that comes without additives and sulfates and all that jazz.

GF: It's called "no poo" shampoo

Me: Sounds like a bit of a sham to me

She didn't get it.

Some background, I'm taking Listening to Jazz this semester to fill my arts credit. Last week the professor talked about musicians Miles Davis and John Coltrane, and their albums Kind of Blue and A Love Supreme.

During class he was trying to explain to us what the difference between different kinds of jazz were. So he pulled all the students wearing blue and asked each student he pulled to describe their shade of blue. I was picked and when it was my turn, I just looked at him and said "My shirt looks... Kind of Blue" referencing a Miles Davis' album. My professor double face palmed and was so disgusted by me I almost felt bad for laughing. He threatened to give me a 3 page essay on why that was the worst answer I could've given.

A long, long time ago in Egypt the Israelites were held as slaves. One day the evil Pharaoh passed a decree that no Israelite could cut the grass outside their house.

The grass grew and grew, covering the houses and making it quite an ordeal for the Israelites to go to work in the morning, which put a bit of a strain on the old pyramid building that was all the rage at the time. But Pharaoh didn't care and the edict still stood. No Israelite could cut the grass outside their home.

Eventually the elders had had enough and called upon Moses, who had a bit of a rapport with Pharaoh, being brought up together and all that jazz.

"Moses, you must convince Pharaoh to see sense and let us remove the grass from outside our homes!" they implored.

Moses nodded, picked up his staff and sought an audience with Pharaoh.

In the royal chambers, Moses approached Pharaoh. "Yes, Moses? How can I help?" asked Pharaoh.

Moses stood tall, stared deep into Pharaoh's eyes, raised his staff aloft, cleared his throat and with a booming voice said, "Pharaoh! Let my people mow!"

So my wife and I went to Great Floors looking for tile and generally getting an idea of what we want to finish our basement bathroom and family room with.

The saleswoman points us to this vinyl plank stuff I've never seen before that you just lay down with no glue or anything that is somehow completely waterproof and lifetime guaranteed and all that jazz. She shows us how you need to use a plunger to pry them back up once they are all tight together.

Me. "Wow, I never would have thought this could work.... I'm floored."

In the ensuing groan fest the saleswoman claims to have never heard that one before, I jested that she sounded knowledgeable for someone who obviously hasn't been working in the business very long.

My family is on the mailing list for the National Arbor Day Foundation, so we get begging letters from time to time.

In the most recent one, there was an additional flier that had the phrase "Hurry! You don't want to leave behind all the great benefits of being a member of the Arbor Day Society!"

I was immediately disappointed that they didn't say "You don't want to LEAF behind..." I then got SUPER excited to tell this joke to my wife who was in the other room, so I run in to tell her the joke, but by that point, I was so jazzed about the leaf pun, I completely forgot the rest of the phrase, so all I could babble out was (and this is literally what I said) "Something something LEAF! Something something something," all the while giggling like a madman. I have not heard the end of it.

My Dad and I were working on outing up a fence together in the backyard, and he was changing the blade on a electric saw he had. He called me over so I can learn how to change the blade (so later in life I can be a proper handyman and all that jazz), except the electric saw he was using was extremely old and very outdated. So I told him, "Dad I really don't think I need to learn that as I doubt I will ever use that." To which he replied, "I thought the same thing when I was your age, then they took all my slaves away."

I was walking down an aisle scanning prices and all that jazz and a customer comes up to me and asks:

Customer: "Hi sir, do you know where I can find a wall plug?

Me: "A wall plug? What do you mean?"

Customer: "You know that thing you put on the screw for better support? Do you know what I'm talking about?"

Me: "Yeah, they'll be right here" I told him while we were walking to where they were.

Customer: "OH! So how do you call them?"

I couldn't remember the name of it so I told him "I don't call them. Unfortunately, they don't have phone numbers."

The look he gave me was like he was disappointed and amused at the same time.