We just found out from my grandpa’s will that all his assets are Frozen.
We have no idea why he bought so many DVDs of that movie.
To all the organ donors out there: I just want to say I really appreciate what you do
...
...
...
That really takes guts
I found a mushroom that was all out of shape
It just didn't fit the mold.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view , so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out “can you all see me now?”
*pulls out knife* HAND OVER ALL YOUR FRUIT JAM!
All these young adults starting out on their own in life. If they chose the wrong road in life..
My friend wanted to buy a Ukrainian flag to show support. Being helpful, I pointed out who has all the flags
After we moved the piano to our new house, all the bass notes were way out of tune.
It was low key fucked up.
Someone cut down all the trees in my yard and I can’t figure out who did it.
I tried to take a selfie in the shower but it kept coming out all blurry
I've got selfie-steam issues
My wife threw out all of my herbs
She's wasting precious thyme!
This joke goes out to all the seriously injured ppl in the hospital right now…
For all the Yogi dad's out there. What is the most important position to remember when changing your son's diaper?
I finally figured out where the dog puts all its old bones
They're kept in the bark-ives.
How do criminals know who ratted them out? They make all the suspects run around with heavy weights.
An inventor has made some glasses that can block out all dolphin-like animals from your vision. I think it's useless...
I don't see the porpoise.
I found out a way to make money in the summertime. When you go to bed, you turn off all electronics except for one......
To all my friends out west living through severe drought conditions and water rationing...
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY. To the moms out there, all of your children...
...were born at womb temperature.
My family wanted me to fly out for the holidays. I told them I couldn't because I was banned by all airlines. When my family asked "why". I looked them dead in the eyes and told them the truth- It's because....
Some guy stole all the milk out of my fridge today
I rallied the kids and we all secretly did house work while Mom was out running errands
It was a cleandestine operation.
For all the Hindi speaking people out there
Turns out you can make cheese from the milk of all sorts of animals.
Cows
Sheep
Goats
Even Donkeys.... though I hear it tastes like ass.
Yesterday I ran out of soap and body wash and all I could find was dish detergent.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” Puzzled, the teller asks, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber yells, “Don’t change the subject!"
Found out today that my hand can fit inside my wife's gloves, all the way down to the palm...
We just don't share similar inch wrists.
What's Irish and stays out all summer?
Someone stole all the high vis vests out the work van....
They can run, but they can't hide
This thief and his accomplice were escaping from a robbery. Unfortunately for the passenger thief, his door was not closed all the way, and he fell out.
I guess you could say that spot was where the robber meets the road.
Why did St. Patrick drive all the snakes out of Ireland?
Because it was too far to walk!
What’s Irish and lays out on your lawn all night after your St. Patrick’s Day party?
I was wondering why the chef was out of work all day
He had too much Thyme on his hands
Out of all the inventions over the last 100 years,
The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable.
I stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun was
And then it dawned on me.
So in the end all the dinosaurs were wiped out by a single asteroid.
Silly them for all standing in the same place.
I finally figured out what all women want. They just want security.
Because every time I try to approach them, they all yell out 'SECURITY!'.
.
I got an all out groan on this one
My son turned 18 and moved out. We turned his room into a home school classroom for my daughters. My wife moved her printer in there and needed to print something a little while later.
Wife- "my phone can't find the printer"
Me- "did you tell it that it moved"
I was trying to figure out where the sun went all night long.
The next morning it dawned on me.
Guys, I was up distraught last night. I just couldn’t figure it out. I was looking all over for the Sun. Where had it gone?
But then it dawned on me.
And a special message for all those coronaviruses out there: take it easy in 2022, buddies. And please,
don’t strain yourself, ok?
What's Irish and stays out all night?
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years…
the dry erase board is probably the most remarkable.
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