My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...
Ahh. I get it. Itβs a viscous cycle.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
I saw an insect that was trying to jump on a fat guy's chest again and again.
I think it's preying man tits.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
Four Seasons Total Lawn Care created some good ones after the bizarre press conference Saturday such as "Lawn and Order" and "Make America Rake Again" - I don't see them using this one on their promotional materials though:
π︎ 4
π
︎ Nov 09 2020
I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese, and make America grate again.
also in the news:
Patients who have died or been admitted to intensive care with Covid-19 have been found to be deficient in a vitamin found in spinach, eggs, and hard and blue cheeses, raising hopes that dietary change might be one part of the answer to combating the disease.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
My mom played the clarinet in high school. She mentioned she wanted to play again, but doesn't have the money to waste on it. I ordered one for her birthday and left her a subtle clue.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Apr 26 2020
The Indianapolis Colts lost again today, and now everyone is mad at Google Maps...
...because any idiot could have told them to take Teddy Bridgewater over Philip Rivers.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
Many years after the great flood, God came to Noah again and spoke: βNoah, it is my wish that you build another ark.β
Rather worried, Noah said βBut my Lord, have the people not been good this time? Must there be another flood?β
βNo, there will not be a flood, the people have been good.β Said the Lord.
βThen why another ark?β Asked Noah.
βI wish for this ark to only house fish.β The Lord replied.
A slightly confused Noah responded βOkay... I shall do as you wish my Lord.β
βBut not just any fish; only carp.β The Lord said unto him.
Noah, now more bemused, replied βUh- okay my Lord.β
βOne more thing.β The Lord said unto him βit needs to have multiple levels.β
βAre you sure my Lord? What is the purpose of this? What on earth is it all for?β Noah pressed.
And God said:
βI want you to build a multi-story carp-ark.β
Passed from my father unto me, to pass onto my son when he becomes a father.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 08 2020
What is it called when you die and are born again as a hillbilly?
π︎ 344
π
︎ Jun 26 2020
Iβve said it before, and Iβll say it again...
π︎ 10
π
︎ Aug 07 2020
If you get released from a mental institutional, and then get committed again-
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jul 09 2020
If you're Canadian when you go into the bathroom and again when you come out.. What are you whilst you're in there?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 02 2020
After a long and terrible Autumn, the Sun was shining once again and the trees were finally put at ease.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 21 2020
Watching John Wick 2 the other night. While Keanu and Common are fighting while both holding the knife the tables turn and Keanu flips the knife around and thrusts it into Commons chest...again while both holding the grip. To which I turn to to my family and say
At least the both have something "in" common.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 06 2020
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 03 2020
Dad: Son, what be a pirate's favorite restaurant? Son: Arrrrby's! Dad: Correct! And what be a pirate's favorite animal? Son: Arrrrmadillo! Dad: Right again! But what be a pirate's favorite body part? Son: Easy. The arrrrrm!
Dad: You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!
π︎ 261
π
︎ Jan 23 2020
I walked into the kitchen this morning and I saw my wife was cooking breakfast in her slippers again.
I thought to myself "I really should buy her a fry pan "
π︎ 21
π
︎ May 15 2020
An old guy was confused and called me with the wrong number, so as a joke I gave him my brother's number. He called my brother, who ingeniously played the joke back and gave him my number. After the old guy dialed me again, my wife asked, "Who called?"
π︎ 8
π
︎ May 26 2020
The Lego store near me just opened up again and it was crazy!
People were lined up for blocks!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 07 2020
Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again?
This version has a virus.
π︎ 69
π
︎ Mar 29 2020
Today I met a fish and the meeting went pretty well. I told him I would like to meet him again, but it got upset and swam away.
I guess, "I'll catch you later" wasn't the right phrase.
π︎ 28
π
︎ Mar 10 2020
The other day I was walking down the street and I commented that I like someoneβs spunky shoes. 10 minutes later I passed her again and she gave me a $5 bill she found on the ground.
Thatβs karma in real life
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 16 2020
Itβs been written before and Iβm sure it will be written again, the dry erase board is so remarkable...
*written on before...*written on again... some jerk keeps rubbing it off π
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 06 2020
I've said it once and I'll say it again...
π︎ 12
π
︎ Nov 30 2019
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase.
π︎ 56
π
︎ Sep 03 2019
The doctor told me my voice box is damaged and i might never speak again.
I can't tell you how upset i am
π︎ 23
π
︎ Aug 14 2019
My wife and I have decided never to talk again about my addiction to aviation puns.
π︎ 62
π
︎ May 27 2019
I took the Agnetha from ABBA our for dinner once. I bumped into her again last week and asked if she enjoyed it and would she like to go for dinner again. She said...
βThere's no regret
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, For a Nandos.β
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 27 2019
My girlfriend broke up with me and said she never wanted to see me again, so I left and took her wheelchair with me
Guess who just came crawling back?
π︎ 42
π
︎ Aug 30 2019
Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, and cross the road again?
It was a dirty double crosser.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Oct 24 2019
A man threw cheese at me and I thought thatβs not mature of him. He came along again and this time he threw a pint of milk at me. HOW DAIRY
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 12 2019
My friend got beaten by his neighbour for playing the drums over and over again.
I guess he didn't realise the re-percussions of his actions.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 16 2019
Bar talk: Dude 1: What was that song by Eric Burdon again; something about love is on fire? Dude 2: Yeah. Yeah. "Love is a burnin' thing, and it makes a fiery ring..."
Dude 3: I think it was Hotel California. "Last thing I remember, I was running for the door..."
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 02 2019
I keep accidentally sending my friends the same memes over and over again
I think I have short term meme-ory loss
π︎ 30
π
︎ Mar 25 2019
We used to write on scrolls, then paper, and now weβre back to scrolling again.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 19 2019
I was helping a buddy install his backyard fence, when I realized I screwed up and had to do it again.
I said, βSorry about the repost.β
π︎ 91
π
︎ Oct 24 2018
My sister is really indecisive. When I bought her that red phone cover she always wanted she returned it and bought a blue one, then she returned that one and bought the red one again!
I knew that would be the case.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 08 2019
Just once i want to hear a tv chef take a pinch of herbs and say "thyme" *second pinch "and thyme again".
π︎ 17
π
︎ Oct 17 2018
The Mars rovers have to be sterile before being sent to the planet to prevent cross contamination. Just one germ and they must clean the spaceship again...
The whole mission must be scrubbed.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 03 2019
Iβve said it before, and Iβll say it again...
π︎ 11
π
︎ Aug 07 2020
I have said it before and I'll say it again
π︎ 7
π
︎ Nov 14 2019
I said it once and Iβll say it again.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Dec 13 2017
I've said it before and I'll say it again.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Nov 04 2019
Iβve said it before, and Iβll say it again.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Nov 27 2019
I've said it before and I'll say it again,
π︎ 98
π
︎ Jan 31 2019
I've said it once and I'll say it again
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jun 25 2019
I said it once and I'll say it again.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 30 2019
I said it once and Iβll say it again.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jun 11 2019
I was helping a friend install his backyard fence, but I screwed up and had to do it again.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Dec 29 2018
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