Saw this on r/unexpected, thought it was funny so here we are :) I’ll be sure to add the link to the OG post in the comments incase you wanna see it
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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My rooster is an artist. He draws on plates and I add arms and numbers, but for the life of me I can’t tell if he’s drawing snakes, mountains, teepee’s, etc., so I finally asked him and he said:

Clock’s a doodled doo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StretchSmiley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2020
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I really like to put meatballs on bread, add cheese, and sauce.

Oh it’s so tasty.

Edit: whoops, I thought this was the meatball sub

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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I saw an add that said β€œRadio for sale, $2, Volume stuck on full”

I thought, β€œI can’t turn that down.”

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
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I was in my kitchen and my cousin went next to me as I was looking at the brownies, placed a fork and said fork u. + to add on to this as I was trying to take this photo the brightness wasn’t working properly so my dad’s girlfriend goes β€œguess you could say it’s forked”
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Weewoman11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
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I read that if you sleep on a certain type of fabric smothered with ketchup it adds 20 years to your life.

Unfortunately I can't remember the sauce material

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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Writing on someone's cast is the perfect time to add insult to injury reddit.com/r/Showerthough…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/saggingrufus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
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What do you get when you add a corgi puppy seeing itself in the mirror for the first time to a kitten booping another kitten on the nose?

An awww sum

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaseyharrison
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2016
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A tire company got hit hard by the pandemic.

First off, not many people were buying tires, as they were driving less. Then the warehouse got robbed. To add insult to injury, the place caught on fire. For them it really hasn’t been a Goodyear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ggfchl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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DadHelp wanted: more variants for "interrupting cow" knock-knock joke to amuse kids

Everyone knows the interrupting cow knock knock joke but we like making up KKJs for other cows. Here are some of ours; please add more so I can continue to surprise and delight the young people near and dear to me. TIA!

(Obviously each joke goes "Knock knock" etc. I'll just write the "cow" part and the punchline)

  • French cow: le moo

  • Backwards cow: oom

  • Upside down cow: woo

  • Sad cow: moo hoo hoo

  • Ghost cow: moo-oo-oo-oooo

  • Police cow: moo ee oo ee oo ee oo

  • Cow on a motorbike: (make zooming moo)

  • Cow in disguise: Baa

  • Horse in disguise: Moo

  • Invisible cow: (quickly cover child's eyes) Moo

  • Inaudible cow:

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A2S2020
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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My proudest dad joke

This actually happened a couple years ago, but I've decided to finally come out if lurking to share it here.

I was on a trip with some friends and we had stopped for lunch. We weren't very busy so my buddy and I shared a plate of wings and a couple pitchers of beer. When it came to pay, the bill was $20.01 (I don't remember how much it actually was, but it was an odd number) and we just split the bill down the middle. When we got our checks, his had the extra penny. We joked about him paying so much more, and so I said I would add an extra penny to my tip, plus one more penny to one up him.

Afterwards when we were walking out my buddy turned to me and said "do you think she'll she even notice?" I said "I like to think that she will notice and maybe chuckle at it. Besides pennies can add up and make a difference, but that's just my 2 cents"

I am not a dad yet. But I definitely feel the fatherly humor running through my veins.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kjc2022
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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"I'd like to have a toast" said the father-in-law at his daughters wedding

"Add some jam on it," he continued

(Smh this wasn't appreciated enough at r/jokes)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QueenKyoko
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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So, there's some robbers going into a bank

You know the drill. AK47s, skimasks, the works. Anyway, they tell everybody to lie down on the floor. All the people in the bank hits the floor but this old man. He is still standing. So, the robbers tells him, not very politely i might add, to lie down on the floor.
Old man: "Nope. Not gonna happen. I'm CIA"
Robbers: "We don't give a shit, get on the floor NOW!"
Old man: "Nope. I'm CIA."
Old mans wife: "Walt, for Gods sake. You're not CIA, you're senile!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tgglas
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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While making lunch today I was pretending to be on a cooking show

"First we take the tortilla and lay it out. Then we add the sliced meat, and veggies, dressing it with the red sauce by Franks. Add the cheese and fold it in on itself".....

"Ok, that's a Wrap"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrispyCritter83
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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The Blitz of Puns

It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.

Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.

When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.

The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really don’t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you don’t overload your capacitors.

The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.

Scissors always cut to the point.

Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you don’t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.

When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.

Mr. Tea says, ”Don’t be a fool, stay in school!”

i c e i c e w a t e r

Architecture is an aspiring career path.

β€˜Pun’ puns don’t add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.

I’ll do algebra. I’ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.

Plants should always rooted in the ground.

Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.

Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Don’t take these puns for granite.

Cheese puns are grate because you don’t have to ask for parmesan to use them.

Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.

My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.

I am not a fan of wind turbines.

Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.

Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.

Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.

Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.

A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.

I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.

Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.

Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zmanofdoom95
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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A whimsical tale...

There once was a princess named Emily, but the royal family called her Em for short. One day the king posed a riddle in order to choose a suitor for his eldest daughter, Elizabeth. The riddle was as follows:

Elizabeth has two apples, and Emily has one apple. Emily gives Elizabeth her apple as a wedding gift. How might you calculate the total amount of apples Elizabeth has presently?

Many days passed and no one could figure out the answer. Of course, on the first day a man came and answered, β€œSire, to calculate the amount of apples Elizabeth has, you must add Emily’s apple.” He was promptly executed.

After this, the kingdom was stumped. Nobody knew how to calculate Elizabeth’s apples if the answer was not to simply to add Emily’s apple, and none dared to try and answer unless they were absolutely sure of it.

One night, a young man, determined to find the answer, climbed up the palace walls to watch the royal family as they ate.

β€œFather,” said Emily, β€œhave you made the riddle too hard? No one has been able to guess it yet.”

β€œNo worries Em,” responded the king, I have confidence that the time will come soon.”

The young man descended the wall, having learned the secret to the riddle.

The next day, dressed In his finest clothes, the young man approached the king with the answer to the riddle.

β€œWhat is your answer, young man?” declared the king.

The young man replied, β€œIn order to calculate Elizabeth’s apples, you must ADD EM’S APPLE.”

The king answered β€œlol get it?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Diezlk9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."

I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".

He's a legend among my friends dads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
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Dadjoked at an NHL game

My girlfriend and I are at an NHL game the other night and an add comes on the jumbotron for a ladder company, claiming to be the worldwide leader in ladders.

GF: "How does a company become the 'worldwide leader' of ladders?"

Random guy sitting beside us: "One step at a time"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SecondPeriodStout
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2015
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What do people who have been buried like?

Bury-tos.

Add on: I came up with this one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ace227
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
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I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, β€œI bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjBWren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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Son drawing a map: "Mom, you and I are right here!" Points at map

Dad: you better add me on there, you'll need a Legend ;)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madastep12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
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There was an accident at work the other day...

A guy had a metal skid dropped on his foot, severing all his toes. To add insult to injury, while he was recovering in the hospital, he was served divorce papers by his wife's lawyer. No one was really all that surprised, though; she's lactose intolerant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/entropolous
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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My dad texts me jokes about once a week. Here are about 30 of my favorites.
  • What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

  • If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

  • Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

  • Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

  • I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

  • Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

  • I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

  • Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

  • I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

  • Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

  • I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

  • Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

  • Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

  • Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

  • When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

  • I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

  • Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

  • Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

  • I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

  • Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

  • Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

  • Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

  • Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

  • I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

  • So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

  • When you get an infection, urine trouble.

  • "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

  • How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

  • Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

  • Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

  • What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhenIm6TFour
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
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My soon-to-be 6year old got me Good

So every night for the past almost 6 years I sing her the Sunshine Song

You know, "you are my Sunshine, my only sunshine."

And after a few years I got tired of it and would start songs from the nightmare before Christmas (because I'm a big elfman nerd) and Part of your world (because I'm completely obsessed with singing out of key chick verses and the little mermaid is dope af) but she would SCREAM anytime I started anything that wasn't the Sunshine song, I love this, so I go on for a couple bars while she's screaming then calm her down and sing the right song. To be fair, she likes the I'm On The Outside by boingo, so I belt that too. Although it's only acceptable in the car.

Now here I want to add that in the description of the event I will place a * where she interrupts me and the words immediately after that * will be her words.

Ok, so she's in bed just now and I said What song do you want me to sing?

Obvs sunshine dude.

So I start with the "look at this stuff, isn't it neat?"

And she's not screaming, she has a smile on her face so my mind is like "did she become ok with this, can I finally sing a different song than sunshine and eponas song?" So I keep going thinking that I finally won.

I get to the line, "Fliiping your fins, you won't get too **fart!"

I'm fucking dead this kid played me like a fiddle.

Someone call 911 I'm ded

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πŸ‘€︎ u/juksayer
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
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24 Feb 2017, Revised Rules and meta-state of /r/puns

Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

I've been very busy with personal stuff for the past few weeks, so I've let this subreddit drift unattended. Reading some of the reports and comments after coming back makes me realize that my absence led to some unwanted events happening!


Let's start with the fun stuff: We now have a new fancy rulebook! If you suspect a post of breaking these rules, feel free to report it in the relevant category, or use (8) other if you suspect it to slip through the cracks of one of the other rules.

Secondly, as of right now, we do not have an explicit rule forbidding inflammatory subjects like race, politics, etc, as the rest of reddit seems to be melting down, but so far we remain unscathed. I wish to let you all crack puns like adults without having to put on training wheels, but if any of the above subjects become a problem then I will swiftly revisit this. Consider this a privilege, not a right, and do try to avoid abusing it! Piggybacking off this, any post that is more 'lewd' than PG should be NSFW tagged. If it is inappropriate for an office setting, I will manually NSFW it, and repeat offenders will have consequences.

Third, you can now request puns! start a self post with [request] and put in whatever information is necessary, such as "[request] puns about clocks".


I'll keep this post stickied for about a week or so, to keep it as a nice feedback net, and we can adjust rules, add/delete/modify them as needed, to keep our subreddit of lovely puns in peak condition!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KetoSaiba
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2017
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[rule changes and minor update on spam filter]

First and foremost, I've decided to add a rule 7. Please, for the love of God, have the slightest bit of creativity and do not put the punchline of the joke in the title. The reasoning being as follows.

Most importantly, putting the punchline in the title ruins the joke, unless it is a one liner!
*
Secondarily, this is a puns subreddit dedicated to wordplay, if you lack the creativity to restate something in a humorous way rather than regurgitating the punchline as the header, perhaps this isn't the subreddit for you...


#Secondarily,


I've made a few minor spam filter tweaks. Your post will be caught in the spam filter if:

  1. Your account has less than +3 combined comment and link karma.
  2. Your account is less than 7 days old.

What will happen if your post is filtered is it will automatically go into the spam queue, and I'll try to have it unfiltered in the span of a couple of minutes/hours, but sometimes I do sleep so sadly it may take longer.

My post isn't appearing! How do I fix it?

If your post is not appearing and it has not violated any of the rules, feel free to drop us a mod message and I'll get a mobile notification within 30 minutes or so of the post removal, putting it on the fast track to being restored.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KetoSaiba
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2016
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My wife and I were buying juice...

...and it dawned on me: No wonder our kids have ADD, all of our juice is "Not From Concentrate"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thetallone7
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2016
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Rowing machine.

My mom was looking for a rowing machine so I brought up a few on the computer she could look at. She really liked one of them but didn't quite understand how adding resistance worked so she asked me 'How do I add weight to it?". My old man immediately yells from the living room, "You sit on it!".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sonofmo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2014
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Pun Day tomorrow!

Our country needs a day to honor the art of puns. My friends and I decided that the best way to do this is to have an annual Pun Day. This day always falls on the same Monday in January as MLK Day, and is barrels of fun. (Like monkeys)

So A) I would like to spread the reaches of Pun Day, maybe have others across the nation share it. and B) If you would like to follow my puns tomorrow, add me on snapchat @BillySakmann. Be sure to say you're from Reddit. Thanks and happy punning! I'm going to be spending a lot of thyme in the kitchen tomorrow.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neonpanda96
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2015
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My wife wanted me to pick up some drier sheets from the store

I was compiling a shopping list for things to pick up from the store when I asked my wife if there was anything she could think of to add.

"I don't know... Dryer sheets?"

"Dryer sheets? The ones on the bed right now seem pretty dry, I don't know how much drier the ones at the store will be..."

Classic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhillipFaustus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2015
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My grandpa was the greatest jokester.

Back in April, me and the young men &a women of my family helped move my grandparents out their house, a house they had lived in for almost 45 years, into a small, 1-bedroom add-on to my uncles land.

Now, my grandpa had been a Baptist pastor for 47 years (now retired) and he was always quick on wit.

Well, as we were moving out the garage. My brother noticed something glued to the ground by some kind of resin. A piece of paper, looked almost 30 years old. We found out it was a sermon that my grandpa had preached way, way back in the day. And someone had spilled some kind of oil and that had gotten stuck to it and preserved it over the years. We brought my very frail grandpa out into the garage and told him what it was. He stared at it for about 5 seconds and said "Well, I guess that's one of my sermons that stuck!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ibelieveinfairies
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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Dad's chicken suggestion.

I was working with my Dad to convert a small garden shed into a hen house for our chickens when he added, "we probably should add another door."

"Why? We only need the one, and we already have a hatch on the side to get to the eggs, do we really need another access door?"

"Well, then it'd be a 2-door coupe."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JVonDron
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2013
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Accidentally dad joked myself to my wife. Didn't even notice. My wife is more dad than I am. *sigh*

So I was making a pot of loose leaf tea, and I see a dry clean-looking spoon on the counter by the tea, so I ask my wife "Is this a tea spoon?"

Then she (rudely, I might add) glared at me and said "yes." in a flat monotone.

I looked at her, confused and offended, so she said "It's a teaspoon."

I wish I could say I got it then, but she had to clarify further: "No, it's an actual teaspoon, and yes you can use it for the tea."

...

Anyway, how does it work at this point? Should I be the one to tell our daughter that her mom is her new dad now, or does that need to come from my wife?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blindsight
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2016
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dad joke at the dinner table...

Mom: you guys add salt on everything even before you taste it Me: well it depends on what we're eating.. Dad: yeah, I don't add salt to salt. laughs at own "joke"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/winterlust_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2015
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I earned a verbal grunt from my professor for this one.

My professor and I were emailing about the final project I had recently submitted when I decided to take the time to thank her for being so helpful. Professors that make classes easier to understand and add a little humor to their lectures deserve all the praise in the world, and mine was no exception to that. This was also my first class that wasn't a general education course, starting me on an MIS degree.

I emailed her saying something along the lines of,

"Thanks for being so helpful throughout the semester, this was my first MIS class and you really gave me the confidence I needed in knowing I was doing it right."

I followed with "Thanks for making this class so interesting, I will be transferring to (insert new college here) to continue earning my MIS degree. I think it's safe to say you influenced my decision to a certain degree. Hah! Certain degree, get it?"

She called me over after next lecture to tell me how bad my pun was while groaning and chuckling. No regrets.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2014
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I too have Kitchen based dad-jokes!

I was reminded of my own experiences with my dad in the kitchen by /u/85FurnaceFuneral93 's post.

Cooking dinner, it came time to add the frozen peas to the pot. However, as he pulled them out of the freezer, he spilt the bag on the ground.

"Oh no!" he said "I just pea'd all over the floor!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beer_in_an_esky
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2014
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G'day reddit. Been a dad since October 2014, and just yesterday these hit me..

It started off pretty innocently. I was at work doing work stuff (I'm an apprentice boilermaker if you want to know) and came up with this...

Q. How did the bacon get to hospital? A. In the HAMbulance.

Kinda just snowballed from there...

Q. How did the sheep get to hospital? A. In the RAMbulance.

Q. How did the oyster get to hospital? A. In the CLAMbulance.

Q. How did the marmalade get to the hospital? A. In the JAMbulance.

I decided to post my hilarity on Facebook, and my brother in law dropped this one:

Q. How did the martial artist get to hospital? A. In the JEANCLAUDEVANDAMMEbulance.

And my sister chimed in too:

Q. How did the Beaver get to hospital? A. In the DAMbulance.

The next thing I knew, it just wouldn't stop...THEY JUST KEPT COMING OUT OF MY BRAIN!

Q. How did the sweet potato get to hospital? A. In the YAMbulance.

Q. How did the Indian get to hospital? A. In the PAPADAMbulance.

Q. How did the other Indian get to hospital? A. In the WIGWAMbulance.

Q. How did the insomniac get to hospital? A. In the DIAZAPAMbulance.

Q. How did the baby get to hospital? A. In the PRAMbulance.

Q. How did The Flash get to hospital? A. In the SHAZAMbulance.

I went to bed around 8.30pm. NO SLEEP FOR ME, MORE DAD JOKES TO THINK ABOUT!

Q. How did Sean Penn get to the hospital? A. In the IAMSAMbulance.

Q. How did Dr Suess get to the hospital? A. In the SAMIAMbulance.

Q. How did the exhibitionist get to hospital? A. In the WEBCAMbulance.

Q. How did the 80's pop stars get to hospital? A. In the WHAMbulance.

Q. How did the air hostess get to hospital? A. In the PAN-AMbulance.

Q. How did the POW get to hospital? A. In the VIETNAMbulance.

I'm pretty much spent at this point, but thought I would share with you guys. Maybe you've got more of your own to add?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/azureal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2015
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My dad's favorite spooky Halloween joke

My dad told me this the first time on Halloween night back when I was 9. He tells it to this day to any of my cousins, nephews, or any kids that happen to linger too long at the house when he's giving out candy. It's a long one but I have always enjoyed it.

Back when I was about your age, I went on a Halloween adventure. There was an old abandoned house on our street where a series of grisly axe murders had taken place years before. The house had never sold and was left vacant and was left to fall apart. There was a local legend that if you went into the house on Halloween night, you'd be confronted by the ghost of the murderer himself, still looking for more victims to add to his terrifying story.

My friend Tom and I decided to go through with it one year. Knowing everyone would be too terrified to go into the house, we snuck in easily on Halloween night. The place was falling apart inside, the carpet was wet and moldy and the wallpaper was peeling off everywhere. We headed down carefully to the basement down a set of creaky stairs.

At first we found nothing. Just an empty creepy old house. Suddenly we felt as if we were being watched. I was looking through one of the rooms in the large basement when I suddenly heard Tom shriek. I spun around and turned my flashlight and Tom was being chased by something, no someone. It looked like it was the murderer! A crazed man with an axe!

We turned and tried to run anywhere. We were in the basement but couldn't get up the stairs because we were blocked. We ran into the side room which looked like it might have been the laundry years ago. We locked the door and looked for a way out. The only thing we could find was a small window that opened onto ground level. As I climbed out I heard a pounding on the door. I managed to wriggle my way through the window and turned around to help my friend Tom. Panicking, he managed to get his top half through the window when I noticed the pounding stop.

Tom was stuck! I kept trying to pull him up but I couldn't. I pulled as hard as I could as Tom panicked and thrashed even more. I thought something had him caught, but it was even worse. The murderer had gotten behind him and was holding him back! He was too strong for me to overcome and he was pulling Tom's leg!

Just like I've been pulling yours this whole time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheG-What
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2015
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My boyfriend rolls his eyes a lot at my attempt at comedy...

Boyfriend: Antarctic stations are pretty much the closest thing you can get to being in a space station. But minus the whole gravity thing.

Me: Don't you mean ADD the gravity, because it's on Earth, not space?!

Boyfriend rolls eyes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Miss_Sith
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2015
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I need mole puns

On October 23 (6.02x10^23) in my chem class we celebrate mole day. You have to make a project revolving around a mole pun. This year I did MoleDemort and printed a life size Voldemort with a mole head, but I'm out of ideas for Chem 2 AP next year. Want to get ideas early on, any suggestions? Some examples already taken that I don't want to repeat: Darth Mole Moleverine

I will add more as I remember, or if you come up with one that's already done.

Thanks in advance.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/survivalking4
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2017
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