Did you hear about US schools reopening during the pandemic?

Superintendent really wanted the students to get a Positive result in their upcoming tests.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickD716
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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Did you hear about the coin shortage in the US?

Yes, the US is literally out of common cents!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ssj3dvp11
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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My english teacher told us to write about the history of our life. However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.

I guess you can say it's an auto-biography.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moonxmochi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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Do you guys know about that dumb "Sore Us" marathon for charity?

You're supposed to run until you can't anymore or something like that...? I was thinking of trying one out but honestly I don't know how good I'd do I'm an awful runner...

My friend Tyrell tried one last year and said it was the hardest thing he'd ever done...

I still can't believe Tyrannosaurus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DracoREXXX
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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We were learning about politics and discrimination in class. Our teacher told us to grab colored pencils.

He then corrected himself. What he meant to say, was pencils of color.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Sparky_
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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Things have been a bit tense with my wife, with both of us stuck in quarantine all the time. We even had an argument about herbs the other day.

To be honest, it was about thyme.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whistlepoo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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My math teacher started telling a story in the middle of teaching us about trig functions

It was a pretty funny tangent, though

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IHaveSacks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
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The cops are warning us about a serial killer who strangles his victims using smaller and smaller T-shirts.

The police are saying that he’s still at large.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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My co-worker brags about bringing in the largest waffle to the office every morning. He won't let us forget it.

He has such a huge Eggo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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NASA’s new rover, Insight, is supposed to tell us about Mars’ soil composition and about what’s underneath the surface of Mars..

So technically, Insight’s purpose is to give us insight about what’s not IN SIGHT

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RLU763
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
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I was in the middle of an interview and I thought it was going pretty well. Up until they asked "Tell us about yourself in a nutshell."

"Someone help! Please! I'm in a nutshell! It's small and cramped in here!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geng_r
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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I hope I'm the first to say this about the next US presidential election. Last election left plenty of people mad, but we won't have any near sighted politicians next time, because whoever runs in 2020 will have a clear vision of the future.

Because 20/20 vision means you have perfectly good sight.

Pun on a pun: I wonder if RealClearPolitics.com will catch on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Diehardpuns
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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The Russians are going to be making their own show about Chernobyl that implicates the US.

I wonder if it'll be available on Nyetflix.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shiverslinky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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I don't get what Christians are trying to warn us about. Hell sounds like a great place

People are dying to get there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/4StoryADay4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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My anatomy teacher is having trouble deciding which part of the body to teach us about today.

You could say she has a bone to pick.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zeewild
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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Lucky for us, we don’t have to worry about anti-vaxxers brainwashing their children.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMiniDuck
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
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I'm dreading the upcoming holidays because I know dad's gonna tell us all about the bear and the rabbit who were taking a poop in the woods...

The bear asks the rabbit, "You ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit says, "No."

So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2018
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My friend and I often have pun wars. One of us runs up to the other and says a word that we have to make puns about until somebody runs out of ideas.

I wasn’t feeling quite like myself one day, so when she ran to me and shouted, β€œAluminum!” I responded, β€œCan it! My plans have been foiled and I’m not in the mood to scrap.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MariahYM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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My friend asked if I'd read the article about the 5th most popular website in the US.

I replied, "Yes. Read it."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
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Growing up our parents never told us about Santa...

So, he was a guy I didn't Noel!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RatedR4Revenge
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
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My dad was confused about the route the satnav was taking us

Dad: where is it taking us?

Me: [destination]

Dad: no, I meant how is it going to guide us there?

Me: on the roads

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πŸ‘€︎ u/T3CHN4UT
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2018
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A dad is telling his son about how he immigrated to the US. Suddenly, the son asks: "Dad, how did you get out of Iraq?"

The dad replies:

"Iran"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IntestineYarnball
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
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Talking about human perception and experiences, the husband and wife have a lot to teach us..

Husband: A kiss makes my whole day, anal makes my whole week.

Wife: A kiss makes my whole day, anal makes my hole weak.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/music_snobbbb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
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Dad and I stopped in at a one-star hotel that happened to have a bar. I was about to buy us beers when he said...

"Don't get your hops up. This place doesn't even have a porter."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ottodidakt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2018
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Science teacher told us in class about his four kidneys.

As we were learning about the urinary system in science, our teacher informed us that he had four kidneys as a kid. We freaked out, asking him does he still have them, and he said no. We asked him where the 2 extra kidneys where, and he just pointed towards his legs and said,"my kid knees."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cludwig15
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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BIL was telling us about one of his exes who counted everything. In fact, her incessant counting was a factor in the breakup.

FIL quips "I wonder what she's up to."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/voidbender
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2016
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Friend got us good talking about food

A few friends and I were talking about our food preferences. One friend says, "White rice isn't that good for you, since most of the nutrients and fiber are taken away during the bleaching and processing. Brown rice is a lot better for you." Then my other friend replies, "You know what they call people like you in Australia? Ricest."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/right_in_two
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2016
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My sister was telling us that she was thinking about studying midwifery.

Uncle: Not full-wifery then?

Me: Babysteps.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trundles
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2015
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My teacher was telling us about scholarships

I raised my hand and asked "what kind of scholarship will you be sailing?" Many eye rolls

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thegerk551
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2015
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Mom was telling us about Papa John's..

So my mom brought up that she's been seeing Papa John's commercials for their garlic knots, and how they now have cinnamon knots too. I said we should try them next time we have pizza, when dad hit us with this: "Let's get knotty!!" I haven't laughed that hard at the dining table in a very long time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_X-Wing_Ace
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2015
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At Easter brunch, my dad told us about his latest doctor visit.

"The doctor asked me how's my hearing doing. I said 'what?'"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/racedogg2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2015
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My brother was telling us about this character from a TV show that he likes...

The character's name is Onion.

Me: I can see why you like that character. Sounds like he's got many layers.

Dad: Yeah, but the problem is he's got really thin skin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dramusic
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2015
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My roommate was telling us about how he used to have a pet skunk...

Roommate: "Have I ever shown you guys my pet skunk? He died it was really sad."

Me: "Wow, that really stinks."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingRatatat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2014
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Dad got us while talking about shirts with engrish on them.

Me: Yeah in Asian countries some kids wear shirts with dirty engrish words on them.

Dad: So like an angry birds shirt with fowl language on it?

Took us a few moments to get it. Groans ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HardcoreHamburger
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2014
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About to have dinner and mum is telling us what it is.....

She says "Its a laska" I immediately turn around and say "No, its australia"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sporkisian
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2014
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A family friend was telling us about her weight loss plans today...

Dad: "Well, now that you've started your diet, I guess we'll be seeing a lot less of you!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ladygunshooter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2013
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