I am about to become a dad for the second time...
Should my jokes become worse or more frequent?
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︎ Nov 05 2020
I had a hard time learning about the American Revolution.
It made my head go round and round.
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︎ Oct 25 2020
Iβm reading a book about these two melons that have a forbidden love. Theyβve tried to run away together many times, but are caught every time.
It seems that no matter how hard they try, they just canβt-elope
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︎ Aug 05 2020
Itβs weird- I canβt help but talk about footwear every time I sneeze.
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︎ Sep 30 2020
My trigonometry teacher loves talking about unrelated subjects for a long time
I guess you could say that he sometimes goes off on a sin/cos
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︎ Sep 24 2020
Heard about the time the surgeons rioted?
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︎ Sep 24 2020
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
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︎ Feb 25 2020
I was about to tell a time traveling joke
but you guys didnβt like it
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︎ Aug 08 2020
One time in my anatomy class, we dissected a sheep brain and I have to admit, I felt a bit sheepish about it.
Sorry, that was just a ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-d joke.
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︎ Sep 15 2020
Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.
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︎ May 02 2020
The worst thing about time travelling are the kids asking:
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︎ Jun 27 2020
Did you hear about the time the lead singer of the band βThe Policeβ went undercover to catch a criminal?
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︎ Aug 21 2020
My son hates art so much that his body releases gas every time we talk about it
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︎ Aug 25 2020
Did I ever tell you about the time an elephant sat on me?
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︎ Jul 16 2020
I got a contact to make a documentary about shoemakers. They didn't give me enough time to a great job...
...but I manged to cobble something together last minute.
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︎ Jun 06 2020
Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.
That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.
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︎ Mar 19 2020
On Saturday, my son confronted me about why I spend time with him on only 1 day of the week, but I spend time with his sister every other day. I told him that I would take him to the movies tomorrow, and he asked if it was 'just because he asked'.
I told him, 'no, because it's Son Day'.
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︎ Jul 29 2020
An architect friend of mine keeps going on and on and on about how he has designed the greatest skyscraper of all time.
But I think he's built it up too much.
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︎ Jul 14 2020
I've just been accused of reposting a Dadjoke about Time travel tomorrow...
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︎ Jul 05 2020
Did you hear about the bag of sugar that was caught illegally crossing the road for the second time that day?
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︎ Jul 22 2020
Have you heard about the new game getting released? Itβs AI is 20 years ahead of itβs time, graphics are truly real life, an open world concept where anything you want to do is truly possible. Itβs called:
Go outside and ride your bike
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︎ Jun 25 2020
I had a joke about grocery stores but now is not the right time to tell it
I think aisle tell it later
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︎ May 19 2020
Did I tell you about the time when I got attacked by 6 dwarves?
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︎ May 22 2020
My brother, the pro baseball pitcher, told me about the time he intentionally walked every player on the opposing team as a protest against unfairness in life...
That took a lot of balls.
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︎ May 20 2020
In olden times, making jokes about the way words sound was unfavored by society and would warrant a sever beating.
This ritual beating was called a PUN-ishment
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︎ Jun 04 2020
Did you hear about the guy that got shot with an upholstery gun 200 times?
They said he's fully recovered.
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︎ Jun 22 2020
Warned my son about the dangers of drugs today. Told him a story about a girl I knew who went crazy from doing mushrooms all the time. Surprised, he asked, "Really?" I replied, "Yes, absolutely true."
"She became a little spore addict."
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︎ May 22 2020
Have I told you about the time I tied my shoelaces with just the power of my mind?
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︎ Mar 26 2020
Did you hear about the time I dreamt I was a muffler?
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︎ Mar 02 2020
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common.
Kid loved it.
Edited to not claim true originality since it was apparently made before.
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︎ Mar 11 2019
Things have been a bit tense with my wife, with both of us stuck in quarantine all the time. We even had an argument about herbs the other day.
To be honest, it was about thyme.
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︎ Apr 16 2020
Did you hear about the guy who expired for not following time tested advice?...
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︎ Apr 25 2020
I was telling a friend about the time a cannibal took my sister to see a Russel Crowe movie...
He asked, "Gladiator?"
I replied, "No, I really miss her..."
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︎ Feb 20 2020
We were talking about reddit and how she doesn't use it. (First time posting here)
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︎ Mar 21 2019
It's about time
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︎ Mar 28 2019
Well I did have a great joke about time travel...
But as it turns out, you all didn't like it.
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︎ Jan 11 2020
My grandfather has a funny story he likes to tell people about how a long time ago he swallowed his wedding ring and then it came out 10 years later. I've heard him tell it many times over the years.
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︎ Jun 27 2019
Did you hear about the guy who held the world record for most time spent on the toilet?
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︎ Jan 12 2020
I really wish I had made a pun about how we celebrate New Years Eve in Times Square.
I really dropped the ball on that one.
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︎ Jan 01 2020
Hear about the guy who tried autoerotic asphyxiation for the first time?
He said it was a noose sensation
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︎ Nov 30 2019
I'm writing a musical about a redneck from Tulsa who discovers feminism for the first time.
I'm calling it Wokelahoma!
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︎ Aug 23 2019
I was thinking about the first time machine I ever built.
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︎ Jun 08 2019
My friends sometime ask me why I yell at them all the time over instant message about this amazing new business opportunity Iβm involved in that Iβm really excited about! They also ask me if maybe if shift key on my keyboard is broken.
But I reply βNO I AM A CAPITALISTβ
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︎ Nov 16 2019
I have a joke about time travel
but you didn't like it...
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︎ Sep 04 2019
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