My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
An man at a bar didn’t want his wife to know he was out all night. But he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand and had to crawl all the way back home on all fours.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.
But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...he’s really a big lyre.
What creature do you follow to find your way out of a swamp?
A easy way to figure it out
I wanted to make a joke about potassium so, I was like oK what is the best way to make a pun out of this.
I was in an elevator with my wife when a couple entered with their kids. I went out of my way to ask what floor they were going up to so I could push the button for them.
I wanted to prove to my wife that I was serious about raising a family.
When Hurricane Dorian hits Florida, I'm going to check out my window for the clouds to get really grey. When they're at peak greyness I'll take a picture. That way Ill always have The Picture of Dorian Grey.
Filling out a report at work... and finding ways to amuse myself while doing so
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
I asked a girl way out of my league out and she accepted! Of course, she said she wanted to eat somewhere expensive...
So I took her to the airport.
The staff at my local strip club figured out a great way to make decisions.
My girlfriend and I were hiking yesterday, I was leading the way on the trail a bit ahead of her and she chimed out, "Is that a safe way?"
I said, "Honey, are you feeling okay? I don't think there are any grocery stores out here in the wilderness."
For two days in a row, I slipped on the frozen newspaper in front of my doorstep on my way out to work.
I seem to have fallen on hard Times.
How does a crazy person find their way out of the wilderness?
They just take the pyscho path
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
A robber found out a way to hide money in his pants so that he could avoid the cops, Injeanous right?
Look out...a new Avenger is on its way!
A video game company tried to figure out a new way to fix their graphics
But it was rendered useless.
I found out a way to stop oversleeping.
My dad is the most dad jokingest person on earth. This morning he had a heart attack. He's stable and was making dad jokes all the way to the hospital. I need your best of the best jokes for me to tell him when he gets out of surgery.
My mother asked me to pick up chocolate coins for the kids on the way to her Hanukkah party. When the store on my route didn't have any and I showed up with regular chocolate, she started crying and begged me to go back out to a different store.
I yelled, "No mom! I'm so sick of your gelt trips!"
Someone found out a way of passing between walls
Happened a few mornings ago when pulling out the drive way.
I noticed a bird on top of our trash can tweeting away. i told my wife that he was talking trash.
Going out of his way with garden tools to make a joke.
My dad brought a gardening hoe with us to my Grandma's house, just so she would ask why he brought one. My mom was there too.
Grandma: "Why did you bring a hoe?"
Dad: "She's not a hoe, she's my wife." (referring to my mom)
He seriously put a hoe in the trunk for the sole purpose of making a joke. He was very pleased with himself.
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