It was his Jed Eye Master.
He got home he reached up for the door knob and opened the door, crawled upstairs and into his bed with his wife. His wife in the morning said “Why were you out all night?” He said “How did you find out?”
She said “The bar called. They said you left your wheelchair again”.
Ensure her legs are queen shaven...
I'm going vegan today.
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
It’s a running joke.
Authorities are looking for a small medium at large.
First she hit the roof, then the light, then the roof again.
I complained to the owner, but even she didn’t give a fork.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”
Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then sais “Okay, okay. We were watching porn”
Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
They go downtown and blow a few bucks
He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help.
Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life.
The teenager is shocked at how easy it was.
"Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!"
"It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts...
by changing the locks.
Seal clubbing
He told me he just misunderstood the craps table.
Because motherboard
They thought it was too dark.
He was caught drinking and deriving.
He's a real fun guy.
Me: "I'll get the roast duck breast please"
Sis: "I'll have the duck legs"
Mom: "I'll get the fried duck wings"
Dad: "I'll get the bill"
On our last day of a three day trip at Disneyland, my 7 year old revealed his inner father to my wife.
>wife: This backpack is good but could use more shoulder padding.
Son, with a shit eatin' grin, walks up and pats her on the shoulders.
I have never been so proud.
They might just rob someone.
It was G-rated.
But it turned out to be a waist of time
Stalagtights.
The nurse said, some people just have it in their Blood.
He's such a badass.
so I put those french pancakes on my feet and crepéd right up the stairs
All he said was “I don’t know what you’re talcum ‘bout.”
🎵mammary, all alone in the moonlight...
He said it turned into a flash mob.
I got him a Fosters, but he didn't like that, so I had it.
I tried him on Carling, but he hated that too, so I drank that as well.
Same thing with Guinness and Bitter.
I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with just fruit juice.
By the time we got onto the vodkas, I was too drunk to push his stroller home...
'Now honey, don't forget to reflect on all sorts of things while you're out there.... especially car headlights!'
While handing out my teams paycheck stubs at work I told everyone to "Enjoy your checks while they last, you won't be getting paid for the rest of the year!"
I metaphor.
He was trying to get into a club one night, the club was busy, and when he got to the front of the line he could see the bouncer looking for an excuse to turn him away. "Sorry sir, you're just not dressed smart enough," He said, "you'll have to put on a tie."
So my dad starts walking up and down the street, asking people if he could borrow or buy their tie (he really needed to get in) but most people took him for some crazy person and turned him away. After trying for 10 minutes he saw a road side assistant car down the street. He rushed up to the operator and said "Please, I know you're not generally for this but by any chance do you have a tie I can borrow?" The serviceman replies "Sorry sir the best I can do is tie this set of jumper leads around your neck" He ties the leads around dad's neck and make it look all nice (making sure to hide the copper clips in his shirt), and dad heads back to the club. The bouncer looks him up and down again, nods and says, "You can come in, but don't start anything."
It's quite a nightmare to ride!
Apparently he woke up this morning with a massive correction.
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.
