For religious people, life is a pray-to-win game.
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︎ Sep 11 2020
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, βRemember these two words. Itβll open a lot of doors for you in life.β
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︎ Mar 23 2019
A pun for the desi people out there. [When did life become OYO from Yo! Weβll never know.]
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︎ Jun 19 2020
Why did the man work in a barn for hus whole life?
Because is was a stable career
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︎ Apr 28 2020
Iβve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I wonβt rest until I find it.
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︎ Jul 03 2019
I rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says itβll be a few weeks until I can use my ankle again.
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︎ Aug 04 2019
Why did he come home looking depressed after the doctor said he needed to take a pill everyday for the rest of his life?
The Doctor only gave him 4!...
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︎ Feb 12 2020
Why is life terrible for a window?
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︎ Dec 28 2019
I was once walking my dog along a promenade during a storm. I got chatting to a German tourist. While we were talking, my dog decided to go for a swim. It was clear he was struggling then he got dragged under. The German dived in, pulled him out and did cpr. The dog coughed then came back to life
"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?"
"Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"
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︎ Jan 28 2020
When it comes to moving elsewhere for a better life,
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︎ Jan 14 2020
My Life has been nothing but a disaster and if Just One More Thing fails for me, I think it'll be time to call it Quits.
Hmm...my racehorses really do have some strange names.
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︎ Jul 31 2019
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
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︎ Oct 27 2018
There really isnβt a pun for lethal injections, I mean if you think about it, even if you do say anything, your life is still in vein...
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︎ May 19 2019
I love peanuts... But itβs hard for a peanut to love you back when itβs been asalted all its life.
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︎ Jan 07 2019
There are three unwritten rules for a better life:
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︎ Jul 29 2019
A clock was running for its life
They say he was running out of time ( probably already used but I donβt bother to look for it )
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︎ Apr 02 2019
My friend believes in reincarnation and says in his former life, he was a calf slaughtered for the meat.
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︎ Dec 16 2018
(real life) Left a door open for an elderly man.... he exclaimed:
What a Gentle.... Moment!
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︎ May 02 2019
My gambling addicted brother has been missing for a while. Last we saw him he lost his life savings in a game of poker.
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︎ Jan 20 2019
5 pieces of advice to men for a happy life
5 pieces of advice to men for a happy life
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You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores.
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You should find a woman that is a good cook.
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You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with.
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You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you.
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Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
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︎ Nov 24 2018
When my grandpa turned 70, he promised he would walk a mile every day for the rest of his life
It's been three years since then, and I have no idea where he is
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︎ Dec 07 2018
Real life dad joke. Yesterday I was cooking a stir fry and added some diced carrots βfor carrot-nessβ, I said.
My daughter who was helping, added some peas, βfor pea-nessβ she said. Then fled laughing.
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︎ Jun 18 2018
I let a homeless mouse live on my clock for a few weeks while he pulls his life back together
Heβs living on borrowed time
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︎ Dec 27 2018
Fool me once shame on you, teach a man to fool me and Iβll be fooled for the rest of my life
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︎ Dec 17 2017
I've gone with without shaving for a while, for the first time in my adult life.
At first I wasn't sure whether I liked the beard, but it's growing on me.
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︎ Sep 07 2018
In the car yesterday, my dad told a really dumb pun. For the life of me, I couldn't remember it, so I asked him again this morning.
Me: "What was that really bad joke you told me in the car?"
Dad: "It couldn't have been me"
Me: "It was definitely you, Dad"
Dad: "Nope. I know it wasn't me because I don't tell bad jokes"
Goddammit Dad
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︎ Jun 29 2014
A Yo-Yo walks into a therapists office. Dr asks, "So, Mr. Duncan, how's life been for you lately?"
"It's had the usual ups and downs,"
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︎ May 29 2017
Iβve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I wonβt rest until I find it.
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︎ Jun 18 2019
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, βRemember these two words. Itβll open a lot of doors for you in life.β
βPushβ and βPullβ.
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︎ Feb 17 2020
I just rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says itβll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
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︎ Nov 20 2019
Iβve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.
I wonβt rest until I find it.
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︎ Apr 09 2019
On his deathbed, my grandfather said, βRemember these two words. It will open a lot of doors for you in life.β
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︎ Jun 14 2019
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