Her: We voted today at school!
Me: Oh yeah? What did you vote on?
Her: A piece of paper.
We didn't even have to say anything, we just clicked
I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!
Nobody expects the spinach inquisition.
So I went home.
...I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
The other eight hours were done at night.
It was literally the wurst place in town
My parents had a grinder of pink salt on the table. My brother said "Hand me the possum salt." I was confused so I took the bait, "Possum salt?" "Yeah, it's what you put on him when you find Himalayan in the middle of the road!"
I love me a good gingersnap
It’s dead quiet and people are dying to go out.
I just did It over my shoulder and it's oversleeping.
I saw him picking up a quarter off the floor.
I said to him, "Is that where you keep all your quarters? That makes a lot of sense."
He says, "Yeah, 25 cents." then laughed for 5 minutes to himself, then kept laughing about it sporadically throughout the day.
Edit: I just wanna say thanks to my s/o /u/rainbowdongs for being so hilarious. <3 Happy anniversary! Love you!
It’s our family hair loom.
I didn’t know she could fit on one!
They were playing a game of croquet.
He wanted a pear for morning tea at school so I gave him one. This afternoon when I picked him up:
Me: "Tomorrow, do you want a pear for morning tea?"
7yo: "A pair of what?"
So proud right now.
When it's peeling good.
https://i.redd.it/32qkvjdpobk21.jpg
It’s cinco de mayo!
I teach high school math. The other day, December 1st, one of my students was looking at the date he wrote down on the paper he was about to turn in and said, "Hey, today's December!"
And I replied, "Yeah, and tomorrow's December, too."
The class started groaning at my bad joke, but I didn't even realize I had said a pun until they started groaning! I don't even have children, but the dad in me must already be growing.
“Thanks! You/2”
*I am not a real Dad but I have one and I’ve studied the art.
You know, fry day.
So we all went out to the bar !
4 year old: "Ok, repeat after me"
2 year old: "After me"
Me: beaming with pride
We've been tweeting them out from @DailyPunName... let me know if you have any feedback or some favorites.
I’m like, that’s nearly impossible!
Who’s the smelliest billionaire in the world? Elon MUSK!!
We're getting married in less than 2 weeks and I was cutting out paper hearts for our flower girl to throw. The hearts are made out of music paper and newspaper (representing the careers we're in).
Once we had finished cutting, the fiance picks up a newspaper we had cut some hearts out of and examines it closely.
He turns to me and very seriously says, "You know, this story has a lot of holes in it."
Cue groan and begrudging chuckle. I think I picked a keeper.
My cousin and his wife have a 3 year old daughter, and they're traveling to visit us cross-country for Thanksgiving. In the hotel last night, cousin (Steven) was discussing breakfast with his daughter (Emily).
Steven: "Tomorrow morning, before we leave, the hotel is going to cook us breakfast!"
Emily: "Daddy, how is the hotel going to cook us breakfast? It doesn't even have hands!"
Steven said he's never been prouder.
My son is 5. He was cutting out paper and put it in the shape of a (very crude) gun.
"Dad, what kind of gun does this look like?"
I dunno son - it kind of looks like a hand gun.
Son: "A gun that shoots out hands?"
..........he got me.
My friend is working on his homework and I notice his Ctrl key was missing.
Me: "Hey, what happened to your Ctrl key?"
Friend: "I've lost Ctrl."
Both of my sisters have runny noses.
Eldest sister: My runny nose is so gross.
Youngest sister: Mine is snot.
Not mine
Me: I need to wash my hair. It's so dirty it almost doesn't look blonde anymore.
Him: Well kind of. It looks..... dirty blonde.
I car pool with one of my co-workers and our conversation this morning went like this:
Me: "This job is just depressing. I know we work in IT and are secluded down in a basement but I would feel more cheerful if we were located in the office with WINDOWS..."
Him: "What are you talking about? We already are in an office with plenty of windows"
Me: "Huh?"
Him: "We work in IT. They're plenty of Windows to see."
Me putting baby down to sleep upstairs: "hey, can you throw up the baby's blanket?"
Her: makes throw up sounds for a second.."sorry nothing is coming up!"
Me: "sigh..can you toss up the blanket then?"
We had just left a restaurant and he had been holding this in the whole time Him: "sp3cimen you must be a lumberjack" Me: "Why's that?" Him: "Because you always smell like Axe! Ba dum tishhh" I've never been more proud.
We just clicked
I rate it 10/10
